If I would have to describe myself sometimes, I would respond with “It’s messy and it’s me.” Some people may disagree if they base it on the fact that I am clean, and organized/borderline neat freak. But when I say that, I am referring to my emotional retardation :p lol. Maybe that’s why the rest of my life is so organized and neat, because it is the part of my life that I can control. Controlling the way I feel sometimes would be as easy as controlling the weather. Sometimes all you can do it put on rain boots and hope you don’t get too wet. After all, when the rain is all gone, you are left with green grass and new things beginning to grow.
Sometimes it seems that I have a blind, senseless, bottomless trust. Sometimes this trait (or flaw, depending on how you look at it) leaves me sad. Sometime it leaves me ecstatically happy, and then sad again. But I guess that’s who I am, and regardless of the results I do believe possessing this trait makes me a good person. And why would I want to change that right?
I have been thinking about that a lot lately. What is it that makes me “me”? Is it the fact that I am a hopeless romantic? Or is it my love of painted nails, wine and fun? Then there is my serious grown-up side that only exists Monday-Friday, 9-5. There are my amazing friends, and not so amazing ones. There are my insecurities, my love of dancing, and my eternal child that I cannot suppress. Then there are my faults, which if I look I know are many. None of this bothers me, most of the time. But when it comes to the business of growing up, the business of finding someone and falling in love, I cannot help but wonder about me, and how all of these things that make me “me” and what that means about what is to come.
I am excited about the future. I cannot wait to see what finds me, and I secretly hope that all patience and the things that I have endured mean there is something extra special. I need something extra special. Because, although I feel ready to settle down sometimes, there is no chance I will just settle. And believing I deserve that is something new for me, and something that makes “me” great. It took a lot to get to that place, and there is still so much room to grow. I’m sure I have said this before but “Life is a journey, not a destination” and everything along the way is part of the journey, needed so we can arrive at the destination we are meant for.

Sunday (l)