So shake it out

I met this woman a couple weeks ago at a conference. And she was a woman in her 60's, from a small town whose second language was English. One day, after her grand daughter was born she decieded to move from where she had lived all her life to a different city to be closer. She had never driven, only ever worked at a bank and lived alone. She said "all of a sudden it was like I came alive and bloomed, I learned how to drive, got a new job and even started dressing different. I have never been happier in my whole life." Here is someone who was set in her ways, did the same thing she had always done every day of her life, and then she got up and decided to change it. I was in awe, really inspired and really very proud of this woman.

I realize it really is time to let go of the things holding me in this stage, and to be honest its not much. Slowly bit by bit I am pulling up my roots, and I'm not as scared as I use to be, it doesn't feel like a distant daydream anymore. I can't wait for my life to begin, I have to make it happen, or at least make an effort. It's funny the little things you come across that serve like a wake up call, the signs you see when you were not really looking. Leaving things behind is easier than I thought, time to shake it all out and clean house. I'm not looking to burn any bridges, just pave the way.

It's a funny feeling, as things keep slipping away they are easier and easier to let go of. They say sometimes walking away is harder than holding on, but it doesn't even feel like that. Letting go feel relieving, my fists have literally been clenched for so long and and my hands are sore and tired. All the weight I have been carrying around has all lumped together and I don't know how I feel about what anymore. Except the sadness, that seems to be a constant hum in the background. But I decided to do something about it, and even that makes it feel a bit lighter.

But it makes me wonder why I hold onto some of the things I do, I seem to be at a tug-of-war with myself. For the most part I seem to think I love myself, even though anxiety and emotion seem to have such a sway over me some days, I have accepted that it is a part of who I am. And even when my days seem really dark, I always know it will get better, even when sometimes it takes longer than the last time.

I always assumed at the end of the journey, or somewhere along the way I would have all the things in life that I want. I know in the back of my mind what I want, and what I expect for and from myself. Yet some of the things I am holding onto are not what I want, and not what I deserve. Even worse, sometimes I think I do deserve those things. I accept less than I am worth, I sometimes don't give it my all, or take things as they come. I feel meek and a little sorry for myself, like I'm choking down a meal I didn't order but I don't want to  inconvience anyone else.

I used to be so strong, so sure and confident. Sometime I can't believe that person was me, sometimes I want to be her so bad again I resent this adult who feels so sad all the time. I've tried to take giant leaps, and baby steps, but it still feels so far away. I guess feeling a little lighter is another step, I suppose I just need to keep walking away and letting go of things that don't serve that goal, and towards the ideals I had before I was so jaded.

Highway of Heroes

Lest We Forget

Are you strong enough to be my man ♫

Probably Not.

This ain't love it's clear to see, but darling stay with me

And I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

It's always darkest before the dawn