Sabatoge

As I read back, I can plainly see what it is I want. I have thought it, wrote it, talked about it. But I sure as hell can't walk the walk. And I always have excuses and reasons, but all I really have is fear. I think I am afraid of being completely happy. Isn't that crazy? I was thinking yesterday, and I felt sad, and then I thought that sad was interesting. Sure some of the most moving pieces of art made by man were created out of pain and sadness. But I am no artist, and I have no reason to be sad, or sad and interesting.
And all the things I say I want in love, I've never actually acted that way in my adult life. I think I am ready for love and to be happy, but I can't even take a first step. I make jokes about not cuddling, or not caring, but it's really not that funny. And who would want to be with someone who is always pushing people away, or at least not letting them near what is actually important. What I really have to offer. I think I really am afraid of having my heart broken. I don't think I am brave enough or strong enough to really want it.
When I think back at all the chances I had, in everything I shake my head and feel ashamed. When I take away my excuses, and stories, and "adventures", I am really just a coward who never committed or finished anything. I take the easy road every time.
Every time the road has gotten rough I just turned about and kept on smooth sailing, kept being a coward. I kept making new dreams for the ones I kept giving up on. I feel like I've really given up on me. I'm not the daring, exciting person I thought I would end up as. But I want to be. I want to be so bad it hurts. I miss the dreams I had for myself. Life keeps passing by and I feel like I am a treadmill in a movie scene where the world keeps floating by but you are really in the same place.
I feel like this is the most honest I have ever been about myself, I feel like I am insulting myself. And it pisses me off, and it makes me so sad. But it's true. And I want to be better. Every day I want to be better than the day before. And eventually I want to be the person that I am proud of. I had big dreams for myself once, I deserve them.