It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are

How easy it is to avoid the truth. By not writing, I can stop the truth from flowing. Because I know once I get started I would not be able to stop or avoid the truth. Instead I choose to wallow in it. I run on a scale of doing amazing, or simply not. I search for that balance time and time again and still seem unable to find it. I was a little surprised to find this low phase facing me in the summertime, for it is the winter blues that I always expect. But there it was, I felt it coming, and let it take over. I suppose I pride myself on doing what NEEDS to get done, and somehow forget that taking care of me is important too. I deserve to feel happy and to feel that my life has purpose. Sometime I see an older person and suddenly I cannot breath thinking that I could get to that stage and life and still feel like I do, like I have not lived. I still feel like I am only going through the motions, putting on a happy face when people expect it and than going home and putting on sweatpants. 

I need to step out of my comfort zone, experience new things. I also know that I need some help feeling better, and deciding how to go about that is the struggle, a struggle I am afraid of loosing myself too, my emotions and my thoughts. But it has to be better than feeling the way I have right? Better than feeling blah all the time and like Garbage's song, "I'm only happy when it rains". But these blue feelings are my own, and I do own them, I suppose I am just afraid what getting help might really mean. And sometimes I feel I really am afraid to go after my own dreams because I simply might fail. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E.E. Cummings. Sometimes I do feel like I am just a coward, and a broken record, because nothing is going to change until I change it, and I am such a procrastinator. I still don't even feel ready to vow to make a change, only to admit that one needs to happen. 

More Hopeless than Romantic