Life Happens

I chose to smile and then would go home and frown

I chose laughter but instead I cried

I chose happiness but sadness followed

I chose love but it was unrequited

I chose to live but then you died, and a part of me did too

I chose to start over, and then I had to do it again

I choose to try again

Oh Happy Day

More and more I am finding the happy days, I feel more like my old self than I have in a long time. Now knowing what is at the other end of this happiness I seem to appreciate it more. Knowing how tempermental my mental health can be makes it feel better when achieving a more well rounded state of mind. My body is moving more and my mind, I lay in bed in the morning and smile as I stretch, I can honestly say I feel content.  I don't recall a February ever feeling so bright, and not so blue.

I've been taking chances, and pictures and have been letting myself escape, dream, relax, and be surrounded by the company of others once again. Although I do feel more like my old self I have not come out of the storm unscathed. You don't wallow in aftermath of death and tragedy for months and come out the same.

I have always prided myself on being unique and a free spirit, yet I know now more than ever I could care less about the thoughts of others. I am not out to find fault with others but it seems there comes a point in your life when some things just don't matter. That realization alone has made me happier. Just because I live my life different than you doesn't mean yours is any better or mine is any less. The things you have or care about that make you happy are not the same things that are going to make me happy. Just because I don't want those things doesn't make me lost or a late bloomer, it means my path is heading in another direction. Don't judge others because they sin differently than you. Live and let go.

I am not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

Mountains

I woke up happy today, and I can't remember the last time that has happened. Although the sadness does not creep into everyday I find that the anxiousness is. But then I realized it was because I have been stepping out of my comfort zone, I have lived more in the past few weeks than I have in the last six months. It no longer feels like days are just passing by, but I am present and enjoying them. I am becoming confident in my passions again, I feel a bit lighter, and a bit happier.
It was strange though when I realized why I was anxious, I was anxious about participating in everyday life to my full potential. It felt odd to have to try and enjoy something when before you never had to give it second thought. I remember the days when life was full of joy, I just can't seem to pinpoint when it started not to be. How long have I really felt this way, how much further on this journey to I have to go? Of course I know the answer is that it will be never ending, but I hope it brings me somewhere more peaceful and light. As tiring as it may be, climbing over a mountain to only find another, I will make the decision on how my story will end. I now know I can pick myself up and begin again and I've made it through every day so far. Finger crossed I can hold onto this top of the mountain feeling for a while.

Daily Affirmations

January

Well January has come and gone and I seem to be on an ok track. I didn't do everything (like exercise lol) but I'm not discouraged, I just need to try a bit more in February.

 I'm not joyful every day, and have no energy some - but then there are days I am. I am singing more, reading more, enjoying people more. I realized I want to take more pictures and drink more tea, keep singing and keep my friends close, for they bring me so many smiles and laughs. And even though I spend too any nights at home, I've made home a happier place to be, keeping it tidy and cozy so I enjoy my downtime not stress about it. 

So cheers to checking off books, laughs, songs, and friendships. And don't forget, the only person I have to better than is the person I was yesterday. 

What if you fall, oh but darling what if I fly?

Being a Sagittarius I seem to have picked up the trait of being an eternal optimist, cheering up seems to have reignited that part of myself. It's time to stop not taking chances, it's time to stop being comfortable and shake things up. I really do believe in the power of positive thought, so I need to find the bright side of things and believe the best is yet to come. I think I have lived enough to have learned that seeing the best in everything can be blinding and can be a downfall. However, I would rather take some falls along the way with the best in mind as opposed to taking the safe path because I might get hurt. I remember every fall, I haven't forgotten, because those leaps before the falls were propelled on a whim of my inner eternal optimist. I cared so much every time, but could move on because the leaps answered the what-ifs that can torture you once the moment has passed. 

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But sometimes when twice comes around you know what you want the second time, not so blinded after the first time around. Sometimes the timing just feels better, even right. Going in eyes open means there is no one to blame but me if I fall, and that's ok. I can pick myself up on my own, half-gracefully some of the time. But the optimist in me can't pass up the chance to answer those what-ifs, usually once they are they don't seem to ideal anymore, but I can't resist the urge to see. 

Leaping feels better than sleeping.