Bad Habits

There is the one you wish to give your heart
You can usually tell it's doomed from the start
But you offer it up anyways
Nursing the break in future days

Then there is the one who wants your heart
You know they would never tear it apart
But it doesn't beat like them like the one who cracked it
Isn't it funny how we love our bad habits?

There is a fine line between love and hate
And what you choose to give and take
But I would rather my heart wither and blow away
Than settle for boring any day

The Notebook - The Way I Loved You

Spring Melt

The spring melt has begun, before it had always brought me such hope. Nobody told me about the common spring anxiety that gets a lot of people, but there it was. Like the spring there have been a lot of new beginnings and endings happening. Finals and exams ended, the possibility of new job and beginning a new career is very real and obtainable, and with that seems to bring a lot of ideas I didn't know I had. So the past few weeks have been a muddle of a bit of everything.

The first Easter without Gramma was hard, and for a moment I had forgetten she was gone and when that moment had passed I felt a crashing down around me I haven't felt in a while. But I made it through, and I seem to feel her with me more. I am remembering the good times and not the sad end, the laughter and the jokes, and all she has passed down to me.

Then for a few days I felt really alone, the kind where I wanted to crawl into bed and just stay there and feel sorry for myself. The stress of taking the next step and what comes after that seems to appeal to my "napping away my worries" defense mechanism. This is it now, fight or flight, have I finally learned enough to choose fight?

I think fight is the only choice I have. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot lately, and realized just how much I have began to rely on that comfort zone. I need and change, ad I am glad I challenged the boundires of that zone. I think I have met about 15 new people this month, I can't remember the last time I did that, it felt refreshing and fun expanding my horizons. I need to keep fighting to see what's next.

Resolution 12 - Believe in Magic

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

I try to muster up my softer side but my hard edges seem to always take charge, que sera.

Sunday Secrets

March

Well March, we did ok. Turns out I don't love exercising or cooking, but music and singing seem to have crept their way into everyday life, as has reading. Writing is more frequently inspired. However, midterms came and went and finals started, an important and sad date passed, anxiety got the best of me a few days, and I felt tired and sad. I'm ready for some sunshine, and some free time, and new beginnings. Well see how April goes and maybe make some new ones, resolutions and beginnings.