Spring Melt

The spring melt has begun, before it had always brought me such hope. Nobody told me about the common spring anxiety that gets a lot of people, but there it was. Like the spring there have been a lot of new beginnings and endings happening. Finals and exams ended, the possibility of new job and beginning a new career is very real and obtainable, and with that seems to bring a lot of ideas I didn't know I had. So the past few weeks have been a muddle of a bit of everything.

The first Easter without Gramma was hard, and for a moment I had forgetten she was gone and when that moment had passed I felt a crashing down around me I haven't felt in a while. But I made it through, and I seem to feel her with me more. I am remembering the good times and not the sad end, the laughter and the jokes, and all she has passed down to me.

Then for a few days I felt really alone, the kind where I wanted to crawl into bed and just stay there and feel sorry for myself. The stress of taking the next step and what comes after that seems to appeal to my "napping away my worries" defense mechanism. This is it now, fight or flight, have I finally learned enough to choose fight?

I think fight is the only choice I have. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot lately, and realized just how much I have began to rely on that comfort zone. I need and change, ad I am glad I challenged the boundires of that zone. I think I have met about 15 new people this month, I can't remember the last time I did that, it felt refreshing and fun expanding my horizons. I need to keep fighting to see what's next.