29

I tried to let my birthday quietly pass me by. I did not want to celebrate this last year of my life. When I look back on how many times I have tried to pull myself back together again, I still cannot prevent myself from breaking down. Each time is deeper and harder to pull myself out of, and I was ashamed that I had not yet been able to do so. But when the day came I gained a little more strength, because those who love me celebrated me when I couldn't. My eyes were opened to the people whose lives I was still able to touch even when I am down, the people who lift me up when I am exhausted and cannot explain why. 

I try to find the eternal optimist that used to preside within me, she would say a birthday is another time for a new beginning, a whole year for things to happen and for life to surprise you. I have stopped looking for the surprises, when it was something that made life delightful for me. Delightful... I can't remember the last time I felt that, but maybe this year I will. 

Cheers to my constant reminders. "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." I am finding my voice again, my song, and hopefully balance, so this sadness will not constantly consume me. May 29 be better.. I'd like to have my shit together my 30 :p