Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic

I thought that if I could write it all out, in plain sight for me to see then perhaps I can recognize the error of my ways. Perhaps next time this list will pop into my head and I will not be adding another negative entry to it. Although it mostly reads like a bad track record, though there were a few high points, a few keepers (which obviously I did not keep). But here it is, the Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic.
1. Mr. Perfect – As in Mr. too perfect, at 15 he had our whole lives planned out, and it scared me so I bailed. As punishment I will probably never find someone as sweet, attentive and caring ever again.
2. The Cheater/Jerk/Soul-Crusher – Ok, so maybe I am giving him too much credit. Like myself he did have his high points (mostly high times though: p) I believe this is the reason I am scarred when it comes to love. Before this point I still had that innocence, the fresh feeling towards having new love. I still get it sometimes, but it is tainted by knowing the inevitable. I may have picked up some trust issues around here as well.
3. The one that got away – I have nothing bad to say here, he came along when I needed him, renewed my faith in love and let me experience the ultimate summer romance. Maybe if he had never come along when he did I wouldn’t BE such a hopeless romantic, but I will never be sorry for that.
4. **2 YR love-free period** I think this time off left me forgetting what a nice guy was really like
5. The one that secretly had a girlfriend – Well it wasn’t always a secret, but once I knew was when I started overlook faults to try and make myself happy. And here begins my downfall. After this as punishment I went on a vow of celibacy for 18 months. I wanted to wait for someone to mean something, someone special. Then came….
6. The Married One – “Separated” and getting a divorce, but of course all lies. *Also a cheater* Just so you know, old doesn’t mean wise, or good at really anything, like having fun. After being cheated on once again I wasn’t so sure waiting for someone special was such a good idea or worth it all. I had really thought I found something here, was completely blind, stupid and one of those girls everyone feels sorry for. After this begins looking for love in all the wrong places.
7. The Guitar Player – One of the good ones. Ideally my perfect guy, plays guitar, writes poems, sweet and funny, likes to cuddle and have a good time. Also likes moving, hard to keep a hold on someone who is always on the go. So I let go.
8. Mr. Nice Guy – Ultimately someone I should want after being so disappointed. Nice, great, would give you the shirt off his back. But I didn’t want it, I couldn’t find myself attracted to the one person who I should have been. Bad timing I guess.
9. Everyone Else – Then there is all the flirtations and flings and something’s that were really nothing. At some point I did fall for one of these no ones. (Maybe two) The ones I had pegged as “love em and leave em”. Of course this was a mistake leaving me feeling sillier than ever. I should have known better than to fall when no one has promised to catch me.

And there it is, I have been stupid in love, not quite in love and just stupid. I have been the stereo typical girl, tried to pull off loving like a man does, and have ended up still not sure what I want. I know I want someone, I know I want love, but perhaps this not knowing exactly what I want is why I have tried with all the wrong ones. I have no idea how to decide or to find what I want and need. After reviewing this list I think I am still as hopeless as ever. Oh well.

Oops, I did it again

Of course I did. I can never seem to take the lessons I learn and apply them. I can read a book, write a test and ace it. Real life, not so much. Those of you who have heard some of the chances I’ve taken and have had to listen after the end result are probably shaking their heads. I am too, at least that is a step in the right direction, although the repeat mistake has already been made. But hey, I’m catching on. Perhaps not as fast as I would like to, but I am getting there. Maybe next time I won’t ignore the signs and won’t pretend this one isn’t just like all the others. Etta James sang a song “Fool that I am”. To say that I can relate is an understatement. I am a pro at overlooking the bad to find the good in people. And usually the good I am looking for is not really there, just the hope I have that the next person who looks my way could more than just a brief encounter. Constantly I am settling for less than I want, and deserve. Somehow convincing myself I can make do on that. Which of course is a lie, which I always believe, in turn results in sometimes more than a slight disappointment. I guess that is why the call it crush, because a little crushed is how you are left feeling. There is that taste of infatuation, the one at the beginning of “something” that makes you feel foolish and makes you think about future days. Then BAM, just kidding, it is not happening. However in one way I am growing/learning is not too feel quite so much, which leaves me feeling not so hurt. mostly just a little stupid. But of course I always encourage taking chances, and learning from the experience. I recently heard that experience is another word for a mistake. Although this is not always true I certainly agree that sometimes yes, it is just a fancy word for I fucked up again. In the words of Bob Dylan, “The only thing I knew how to do way to keep on keeping on.”
Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic

Yeah if I could press play, rewind a couple million times Imagine for a moment that you’re all mine

When it all comes undone, Baby you're the only I run to... I run to you

I'm sure you've heard of him, the one that got away, my constant summer love. The one I measure everyone up to. I've recently learned it is not that I am ever comparing in the beginning of things, but just in the end. When things don't work out, when I feel wronged or I get hurt is when I compare others to him. The one who never hurt me, never turned away, even if he can't be there for me romantically, he is always a friend. Letting me down easily, bringing me a smile and raising my spirits, and sometimes hope.
But that's not really fair, thinking that I want that back again whenever something doesn't work out. He is my tub of ice cream. After it's done it hasn't really made me feel better and I am left with a bitter regret. I think I want that back, ask him if he ever thinks of it, thinks of me. He never turns me away or tells me to back off, so time and time again I run to him. Stirring up something that only exists in the summer when we were 17. I think it feels safe for me, wanting to care about someone who is so far away geographically. I can keep him close to me with a safe distance. I can care for him, but not get too close, reducing my risk of a broken heart.
I won't lie, the feelings will always be there, and I will always think of him fondly, and more so at times when I am lonely, or a little drunk. But it is not the answer, hopefully typing this will help me realize that and break the cycle. But maybe there is no hope for the hopeless. And if there is one thing I AM sure of, it is that, how utterly hopeless I really am.
- The Hopeless Romantic

*
Kisses on my shoulder
Arms holding me near
And just for a moment
I can forget my fear

I will let you in for just a moment
Let’s pretend it’s something more
Before I ask you to leave
And make sure you lock the door

I let your fingers lock with mine
For I was weakened when you make me gasp
But I let myself forget the moment
And pretend my hand was all you clasped

For this heart of mine belongs to me
I shall handle it with care
Pretend you desire it all you want
But give it I do not dare

Kisses on my shoulder
Arms holding me near
And though it was a blissful moment
I will not forget my fear
*