Be the change you wish to see in the world

I think right now it is between myself and I, and I want to be the person who is kind anyways, who is happy anyways, and not let the world or other people bring me down. Daily Affirmations. I don't need to be better than anybody else, just better than the person I was yesterday.

Fight or Flight

Realizing that I had to fight for my happiness seemed like an exhausting path, or maybe trying to pave the way again and again was what was tiring out my soul. But haven't I always been a fighter? When I look back it's very rare someone has done me wrong and gotten away with it. I am not saying I am proud of everything I have done, for I know I handled things with my heart and rage and not my head, I know once mad I can hurt people with my words more than anything else, I've had a poison tongue and used it because it would hurt the most. And many of those things I had to defend myself against left me bitter, less bright eyed and jaded. But I fought. I fought for love when I thought it was there so I can say at least I tried and eventually move on. I fought friends who have wronged me, this showed them that I am not a door mat and we are stronger for it. However I think I now know when not to fight for those things, when to let go of what it not meant for me, for the most part.

But there are still things I need to fight for, and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to. I have always been feisty and challenging, and of all the things I have lost along the way this isn't something I am going to. I am going to fight for a peaceful soul, a healthy mind, a smart and witty mind, to be kind and giving, and I am going to fight for my loving heart. I am not going to fight to be who I was, I am going to fight for who I am suppose to be. I have been finding more smiles, more laughs, and songs lately, words bring me joy now and not tears. I know that that can change, change is the only constant things in our lives, but I know I am full of piss and vinegar, and love and I'll be okay.

I've got a right to be wrong, my mistakes will make me strong

Those who don't believe in Magic will never find it

Okay time to set some small goals! I'm not going to stress if I don't meet them, but I am going to keep a journal to be accountable. Time to get out of my comfort zone I've been depending on, time for some self-reflection and phasing out habits or goals that no longer serve their purpose.

1.  Blog once a week 
2. Write a poem once a month
3. Read at least 10 books this year - At least 3 Classics
4. Listen to music in the mornings - I've been picking one artist a morning and jamming out to all their songs, So far we had a Janis morning, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix & Bob Dylan - it feels good to listen to all your favorite artists
5. Sing more
6. Laugh more
7. Get out of the house in the evenings, I'll start with once a week
8. Get moving, we'll start with twice a week here, whether its a walk, dance class, yoga it's time to carve out some destressing healthy habits
9. Try a new recipe once a month - Going to cook my way around the world trying recipes from different cultures and countries
10. Take some time off this summer
11. Look at the stars more
12. Believe in magic - I don't care if I am 27 or 77, to believe that this world is just what I have seen is just too depressing, I need something more, I need wishes and daydreams and hope

My life in one sentence... It didn't go as planned, and that's ok

It's certainly easier to post pictures that capture bits of what I am feeling than actually facing the words that might come out if I sit down and write. It's easier to use avoidance than confront what is really going on. When it all first started happening I thought ok, I will deal with it and it will go away. But as the sadness comes back again and again it might be time to admit that this depression that plaques me it not just a one time thing, but something that I am going to have to fight over and over. Coming out of a wave of sadness and feeling the sunshine and happiness is wonderful, but feeling that wave drag you back down again is exhausting, realizing you have a long way to go until the sunshine again. It's frustating, and I am tired, but I know I won't drown. Sometimes I may let myself be pulled down, for in that moment I don't have the strength to hang on.

I now know big goals are not for me right now, because getting out of bed and getting dressed is sometimes all I can do. I woke up this morning with a smile and that's good enough for me today. I'll take the small moments as they come and try and create more when I can. I am not going to loose 50 pounds, write a book and have the best year of my life, I just pray it is better than the last. So I will make small goals, keep shuffling with these baby steps and take the small victories if they come. If they don't, well then I will try again another day.

Que Sera Sera

When I was a girl

I held the whole world in my hand

How surprised I am to find it

Empty again and again

My world has become this basement

My bed my comfort zone

I know that young girl is disappointed

How this is me, so sad and alone

That girl who feicely loved love

And read her way through different worlds

Believed in magic and wishing stars

Was wild, full of life and curls

But here I am still finding my way 

From rock bottom once again

It seems deeper than I remember

And I'm climbing out with cuts on my hand

But I know that girl believes in me

And somewhere deep down I do too

I'm not out to capture the world today

A happy girl will do