Upside

Nobody wants painful. I don't think that's what people think about when the envision what they want in their future. But the big secret to life is that life is painful, how you deal with the pain reflects your character.

The upside to knowing pain is the ability to appreciate the joy that follows. Before this pain that bruised my heart, there was the lingering pain of loss, and when you add it all up its really been years. And I feel like painful years are like dog years, they feel so much longer than 365 days. So long that sometimes I forgot how good happy really feels.

So when that tingle dances in my belly, my foot taps to the beat, or I smile in the sun, I am truly present and grateful in that moment. After losses and heartbreak it is a relief to not only feel lighter, but enlightened by what truly delights me, and thankful I have the freedom to explore that. Cheers.

I think I am finding my balance...

Night & Day

Who Made You King of Anything?

I hate to break it to you babe.. But I'm not drowning, and I don't need you to save me

She Acts like Summer & Walks like Rain

Sorry, Not Sorry

Thank You & Good-Bye

As I force myself to truly move forward I see now I can not have old ties holding me back. Sometimes you need to burn bridges to give yourself room to grow, and eliminate the path back so I don't find myself wandering backwards when the future seems intimidating. I never expected to be starting over again, but I will, it may seem harsh and you may not understand, but you don't have to. This is for me and what might be. I am not looking for another friend, that is never what we were. I'm slightly thankful the chance of our paths crossing are so slim, and sometimes surprised they did at all. I never needed you, I only wanted you. What I now want more than anything is to stop looking back watching all this slowly fade away and focus on what is right in front of me.

I am looking for someone to love me unconditionally, for I have so much to give yet, and I want to share it with someone who appreciates what I have to give. I can't hold onto the past forever and risk loosing something before it begins. To welcome a new beginning with open arms I must first free what I have been holding onto.  It's not fair to come to him with my past following closely behind, if someone can be patient and respect the healing process of my broken heart then I think it's fair to give him a real chance, a fresh start. When he gave me the time to find myself again, in a kind way, I found myself curious what else I could find with him.

Although this path has been so painful, the bumps seems to have smoothed themselves out and I am glad I took the time to grieve all the loss. I have no tears left to cry and no love left to hold onto. Although you left me here with my heart broken, I do not regret it because you knocked down my walls that I spent years building. I may have been left vulnerable but I was left open, more open than my heart has been in years, and now that I know it can withstand a little trial and error I don't feel so hesitant to take another chance with it.

So thank you & good-bye.

Something about You & I

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oh
I’d give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I'm not leaving without you <3

I Toasted You & Said We May Be Through... But You'll Never Hear Me Complain

Just give me an hour & I'll be as high as that ivory tower that you're living in

All Good Things are Wild & Free

Where Does the Good Go

There is a fine line between love and hate

I believe I have stumbled across the reason I was dragging my feet. There is such a fine line between love and hate, and for me I have no bounds on the emotions I feel once they begin. But what are you left with when the love fades? The answer to that is what I have been avoiding, because I cannot bear the thought of hating of you. But as all the warm feelings I have fade for good I catch myself wishing I had never met you, or I find myself so angry that things are over and you ended it. So I hold onto those feelings of love that are no longer there because they are better than the alternative. Then I think about us and wonder if we ever really will stay in each other's lives. I still feel that need to fill you in on bits of my life, because you were such a big part of it, and I still sometimes can't believe you no longer are. But as I continue moving on I don't think you are going like what happens next, I can't imagine you being happy for me. So I will eventually stop filling you in, and life will go on.

I am almost there, and I will pick up my feet. Half of me is reluctant and the other half is eager, we will see who comes out on top.

Just Let it Be, Why don't you be you & I'll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make it feel right
No

Run Baby Run

I swear I was running as fast as I could to finish line. The line that once I crossed would free me of all that has happened in the last year. But as I approach the end I find I am dragging my feet. I am holding on and reminiscing about every moment. I remember how good it felt to be adored, how much attention I had for the first time in so long. I really felt so loved in the beginning. It's funny how your mind can choose what to remember.

I remember how lucky I felt to finally have you, how happy I finally felt at last. Even when I was unhappy for other reasons, I felt okay because I had you. I try to remember the things that bothered me, to offset these memories that decided to come flooding in, but the pros are out weighing the cons and I am struggling to truly move on. You became more a part of me then I had planned it, you forced your way in, loved me fiercely and left. And now I am left here alone. I know I wanted it to rain and wash away it all, but now I am drowning in these memories and feelings, and haunted by the way you once made me feel. I need the sun back, I need it to come and dry up all these tears and warm my heart and bones. I need to force my way across this finish line and accept that no one is waiting on the other side.

Lonely Days

90% of the time I am fabulous. But that other sneaky 10% is killing me. I try to muster up as much grace as I have and carry on because I dare not tell anyone I still cry for you. I sometimes miss being wrapped up in you, and I am filled with much more lonliness then I experienced before. Before I didn't know what it was like to love you, but now that I have and can no longer do so, the loneliness bears down much heavier than it ever has. I've already made a fool of myself when it comes to this matter of the heart and I am determined never to do that again, but it doesn't stop it from replaying in my mind. I mostly feel like I am ready to love again, but on days like today I miss our love.