Her love for him ain't cheap

Hear my Sinners Prayer, I am what I am, I don't want to break the heart of any man but you, but you.

Walking on wires & power lines

Falling

When I think about meeting someone new, of course the thought of how far it will go always crosses my mind. When I think about the few times I have really fallen, in the end no one was ever there to catch me. The first few falls were tragic, I crashed and broke into a million pieces, turns out I suck at puzzles. After that you think something so broken would break easily again next time. However, the last time I fell, I didn't seem to crash as hard, and there were not a million pieces to pick up. Was the last love not as deep as the others, was my heart now stronger and more durable? Or am I unable to love like the first time, knowing what has always followed. In the end I have always been left with tears in my eyes, my heart in my hands, begging for a second chance. I don't want to be there again.

With every new love, or the possibility of it, comes a list of new risks. The risk feels scarier and bigger. How many chances have I missed because I was scared, or how much time have I wasted because someone felt safe? When it comes down to it, I want something wild and passionate, longing and desperate. I have never longed for someone who I could cook dinner for or watch a movie with, but someone who inspires passion in me, helps me live a more meaningful and colorful life. I suppose if  I put it out there into the universe enough and start living the life I truly want I will eventually attract that energy. However, I am growing restless and lonely again, my arms feel empty and I crave another human.

May I not make any more bad choices based on loneliness.

If you are going to insist on reading......

And I know that you are, (ahem stalker) then I cannot resist taking a stab at you once in a while!

Heaven help the fool who falls in love

Good Morning Sunshine, I can't resist

Gimme some lovin early in the morning
I just woke up with this appetite
Come on, give me love in the morning light
gimme some lovin early in the morning
I just woke up with this appetite
Come on, give me love in the morning light
some people like it in the afternoon
I don't think that I can wait that soon
Come on, give me love in the morning light
some people like it in late at night
I could wait that long, but I don't think I might
Come on, give me love in the morning light
I'm going to love you soft and love you sweet
I can feel your heartbeat
Need your attention to get me started right
I'm going to wake you up with a kiss on the cheek
Come a little closer, open up to me
Good morning babe, good morning babe
open your eyes just a little bit
Good morning sunshine, I can't resist
Dreaming about you babe, all through the night

Resolutions

The last two New Years I have made resolutions with a check list for each month, and worked my way towards happiness. Or at least tried to have a goal, no matter how small, in mind to keep me afloat when the world weighed me down. I wanted to laugh more, sing more, write more, give back more. For the first time in years I feel happiness that lasts for days at time, so instead of making a checklist I am just going to be. I am going to enjoy this new found joy and see where it leads me. I am going to say yes more, move more, see more, be more. In a year of more, I hope to find less sadness, less heavy hearts, and less loneliness.

May happiness keep me on track this year.

Time

An open letter to my friends

To say it has been a long winter would be an understatement. I feel as though I have endured 50 winters of darkness, 50 winters of heavy snow that kept piling up as I kept trying to dredge my way to the top. It was as if an avalanche had engulfed me, and some days I slowly moved forward, but most days I just survived. I would cry as I would put on my make up, praying that no one could see the emptiness behind my smile. Fake smiles are exhausting, so I would come home and sleep, well beyond what is considered a nap, then sleep some more.

Depression is more than just sadness. When you are sad, your grieve and eventually move on. Depression is like an empty hollowness, you are just a shell of yourself, and just carrying that empty shell is simply exhausting. Depression is feeling selfish, because you know life is good and you should be appreciating it, not just observing it. Depression is mourning the person you used to be, and as you battle to get back to her, you realize so much has happened that you may never find her again.

But something changed, and I have found her again. I am changed, but not for the worse. As I find my way back to myself, so many of you are still here. I was worried that as I lost myself in the sadness I may have lost many of you as well. That's how a depressed mind works. Some of you were here all along, and you will never know how much that means to me. As I find my way back to those other important friendships and relationships I was welcomed with a warmness that made me so glad that I fought so hard to get here. Of course there are a few who are no longer beside me, but with this new found happiness I can only let go and say good riddance. Everyone comes along to serve a purpose, but that doesn't mean they will forever hold a spot in your life. People may grow apart, but they never stop growing.

I've quoted this many times, but it always rings so true. "A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the tune." I could have never truly lost myself, because it turns out I have choir behind me. As I go the song changes, but you are always there to rock out along for the ride, and make up the words as we go.