An open letter to my friends

To say it has been a long winter would be an understatement. I feel as though I have endured 50 winters of darkness, 50 winters of heavy snow that kept piling up as I kept trying to dredge my way to the top. It was as if an avalanche had engulfed me, and some days I slowly moved forward, but most days I just survived. I would cry as I would put on my make up, praying that no one could see the emptiness behind my smile. Fake smiles are exhausting, so I would come home and sleep, well beyond what is considered a nap, then sleep some more.

Depression is more than just sadness. When you are sad, your grieve and eventually move on. Depression is like an empty hollowness, you are just a shell of yourself, and just carrying that empty shell is simply exhausting. Depression is feeling selfish, because you know life is good and you should be appreciating it, not just observing it. Depression is mourning the person you used to be, and as you battle to get back to her, you realize so much has happened that you may never find her again.

But something changed, and I have found her again. I am changed, but not for the worse. As I find my way back to myself, so many of you are still here. I was worried that as I lost myself in the sadness I may have lost many of you as well. That's how a depressed mind works. Some of you were here all along, and you will never know how much that means to me. As I find my way back to those other important friendships and relationships I was welcomed with a warmness that made me so glad that I fought so hard to get here. Of course there are a few who are no longer beside me, but with this new found happiness I can only let go and say good riddance. Everyone comes along to serve a purpose, but that doesn't mean they will forever hold a spot in your life. People may grow apart, but they never stop growing.

I've quoted this many times, but it always rings so true. "A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the tune." I could have never truly lost myself, because it turns out I have choir behind me. As I go the song changes, but you are always there to rock out along for the ride, and make up the words as we go.