I thought 30 was going to be my year, I may have been mistaken....

Sunday Secrets/Husband Goals

I want to hold you when I am not suppose to

Sigh. I know what I am looking for but when it comes to dark nights, playing with temptation is thrilling, going where you normally would not...

Home

Usually lack of writing means I have been too down to do so, however it could not be further from than truth. Life is busy, good busy, like killing it busy. Moving was hectic but I love my new home, work has been crazy but I am so happy for the chances it has provided.

There is something about this new place, it feels like a new beginning. Living in the light has been so invigorating, at one point I was sure after 8 years my cat was done, but with more space and light she is a little spit fire again. For the first time I am completely happy with my home, and proud. 

It’s been a crazy fall, moving, settling into the new place full of light, my career, five week colds. I’ve gone without a kitchen, let my gym membership expire because I couldn’t breathe through my nose. But I managed to stick to the meal plan (90% of the time), start walking again on the mild days & I can see small changes and that it is paying off. 

I spent a long time taking care of my mind and my soul, and my body suffered, but I always loved her in a forgiving way. I will keep learning how to give her what she needs but not worry about when I stumble. Learning to take care of yourself mind, body and spirit was not the adulthood I was expecting. I thought this shit just worked itself out. But learning what I need most helps me take care of myself and in turn others xo
#gentlereminders #selflove #thisisthirty

A little Tracy in the morning ♫♪

Autumn, the year's last, loveliest, smile

I don't always take photos.. but when I do it is Autumn ;)

Black Cat Syndrome

Ever feel like anything that can go wrong will? Something is afoot lately... and I cannot put my finger on it. The last few weeks, if I have somewhere to go, something to do... well anything and everything will go wrong. Traffic, items breaking, spilling, going missing!! Usually this is something that would stresses me out or will determine my mood, yet this is not the case. Feeling happy and grounded has made all these minor things roll off my back and somehow not let it bother me. I should feel frazzled, off, disorganized... yet I feel on point, on the ball, thorough.

So send those black cats my way.. I seem to be immune to their side effects. (Cat model: Gypsy)

Black Mermaid

And all at once, Summer collapsed into Fall

Do your thing

Most of my adult life I have been working towards happiness, self love, and self care. All at once things seem to have come together, I am killing it at work, I love my new beautiful home, I am taking good care of myself and I feel good. How crazy is it that in this good place I always wonder, will this last? I know it's up to me to keep on the good work, but I still need to be kind to myself. Enjoy it while it lasts, do what ever you can to extend and embrace this feeling of joy and relief. These are the moments when I am my best self, and I need to be proud of myself for getting to this point. This is the me I need to remember when things are not so great, to know I have it in me to get back there is what will keep me going when I need it most. I know when I am happier, but when others notice it's great, because you are wearing it on the outside. Catch me singing, taking 100 photos, talking a mile a minute... I don't care. This is happy me, so I am going to let her do her thing.

Checking that phone...

I can hardly remember the last time I had a crush that made me feel giddy. I've been with people for convenience or lust, or because I thought it was the right thing to do. But to have that feeling for someone you have not been intimate with, but only daydream about, is an excitement I haven't felt in a long time. I have no idea where it could head, if anywhere at all, but it's good to feel so alive again, to be hoping and daydreaming.

I remember a few years back, being a situation because I thought it was the grown-up thing to do, try and domesticate myself. I also remember having a moment of realization I may not feel that giddy-ness again, and I certainly did not for the person I was with. The sad part is I was ready to accept that. Thankfully fate had other ideas, more life for me to live, and feelings to feel. Feelings that have my checking my phone every few minutes... gah, my thirty-year-old butt feels a little silly with this crush, silly and smiley.

Sun Soaked Days of Summer

Summer is winding down, but my sense of adventure is still restless. When I look back on the past two summers, I have done more to make myself happy in all the years previous. Besides when I was child and happiness was a given, and you were sun soaked from morning to night.  

I always used to think how not having someone else was what I was missing, but I have accomplished more on my own. More happiness, more laughter, found more of me. I could never have done that if I were not on my own for as long as I had been. Now I feel I have reached a place where I can let someone in and not waver in my self love and goals. Well at least I feel like I want to, there are a lot of chances I have not taken, and in the end it worked out, but right now I feel I am on the edge of something that if I don't persue I will regret it, regardless of the outcome. I'll chase it as I chase after the last sun soaked days of summer. 

I have seen no other, who compares to you..

Marvel

I was recently discussing some of my feelings around getting stuck in a rut, and how it is the most frustrating after feeling so good. A gentle reminder from a good friend eased my mind and nerves. I have come so far, when I think to even a year ago, I can see how to continuous effort pays off, even though I may need to decompress on my own once in awhile.

Thank you to my friends and family for respecting my space and understanding my stuggles, but thank you to myself.

Thank you for never giving up, thank you for always wanting more, thank you for remembering who you are under it all... full of love, and hope & magic. I know my faults, but I also know my strengths... and we all know how strong I am xo

I wanna wrap the moon around us.....

My Summer Sidekick

Archer Winchester }}}-------> Who turned one a month ago!

Sweet Summertime

I had this vision in my mind of taking time off finally, catching up on all my reading and writing while sipping hot coffee. Yet holidays are half over and here I am with my first posts. But that is okay, because things are different then in the past. I used to dream the days away and be surprised when the seasons had changed yet again.

Now I am living, the days are flying because I am chasing them. Chasing the waves, the sunsets & stars. Breaking new trails and enjoying summer how I always imagined. I am not going anywhere far on my time off, but enjoying everything within reach. The happiness recently found has lasted longer than any other, and I am no longer worried about jinxing myself. I still feel a little anxious stepping out of my comfort zone, but at the end of the day I am tired and happy.

Mind & Body

If you know me at all, then you may be familiar with my battle/journey with depression. It has been the focus of my health the last few years. However in the process of taking care of my mind, my body has suffered. From medications, to constant grogginess, body aches & PCOS, I let the tiredness take over.

I have discovered a new found energy lately, and have started a new journey. It is time to take care of myself as whole, vs in pieces. It seems to be the balance I was looking for, or the piece I was missing. I am hoping this continues. I was hesitant to post about it as I have struggled with this in the past. But for the first time in my life I took time off, time to myself, which has allowed me to focus more. It isn't as smooth as I was hoping, but if depression has taught me one thing, it is to keep going.

Luckily I never really lost confidence along the way, I know my worth deep down, and still had this vision of myself in my mind that I was happy with. Time to dig that worth out from deep down and bring it to the surface. May this challenge go well, may I be kind on myself when it doesn't, & hopefully learn a whole bunch a new recipes along the way!

Spring Adventures

Looking forward to many more summer adventures xo

UNsettling Canada 150

I think I found a new project #150Acts

It will be harder than #100HappyDays or #SelfCare because it will ignite emotions when facing the trauma of indigenous peoples history, including my own family.

Starting with #115: Commit to being a lifelong student beyond Canada 150.
http://activehistory.ca/2017/08/150-acts-of-reconciliation-for-the-last-150-days-of-canadas-150/

Northern Land

Between the bottle of wine & look in your eyes....

The Self-Care didn't end there!

Into the Forrest I go... to lose my mind & find my soul

Evening Strolls

Mermaid Tails

100 Happy Days Complete

Day 96 - Gentle Reminders

Day 97 - Sometimes you have to loose your balance to take a step forward 

Day 98 - Community Garden Planning 

Day 99 -Soaking up the Sun 

Day 100 - Happy & Healthy in the gorgeous Spring Sun