No man's a stone

A bit unassured
A bit insecure
I climbed up and I saw the world I lacked
And my fist stone cracked
Foundations collapsed
Standing on the ground
In stone I'd found

Let your walls come down...

I recently caught up with someone whom I was interested in previously. He was busy a lot and we drifted apart. When we started talking he told me about all my walls I have up and how he thought I would walk away at less than a moments notice.

I was shocked to hear that perception of myself, although through self reflections I believe I have begun to break those walls down, I was surprised at how apparent they were to others. Usually negative comments are not received well, but I could sense the truth, my truth.

I don't know which walls to break down first, or what the foundations for theses walls even are.. but if Rapunzel can break free, so can I.

Que Sera Sera

I mentioned earlier how Spring truly felt like a rebirth. As I reflect back I breath a sigh of relief. Someone so near and dear to me had a health scare, the kind where the C word was being thrown around. I didn't allow myself to even think about it, I did no research, refused to google anything or let my mind wander to the what ifs. When the good news finally came this week all those thoughts I blocked out came flooding back. I was so relieved, but finally realized how severe the outcome could have been. She is okay, she is going to be okay, we are so lucky.

In the midst of this, a little love in our life was hospitalized with a life time condition, we almost lost one of our beloved pups in a freak accident, and experienced some major trauma with a troubled loved one. I don't think I breathed properly for a month, un-tensed my muscles, or un-clenched my jaw or fists. When I got to the ocean I finally let go and cried, whatever will be will be.

As I said she is okay, our little love a managing, our pup is short a tail but back to her old self, and as for those who are troubled, you can't help them until they help them self. I can't carry the worry of everyone else on me. Reflecting back I can see why I felt the need to slip into a slump and stay there, but I am stronger than that now. This life is my life and it is what I make it. I am making it my own.

Soul Therapy

Back to our happy place we go, to soak up the sun, waves & good vibes. Cheers to summer 2019!

Feel & Heal

I think I have felt more in the past 8 months, than 8 years. Although it has been a lot, I would rather experience and process my emotions than just going through the motions of life. No one is harder on me than myself. I imagined a different life for myself by 32, but I need to look at where I am, how I got here and be proud.

Lately I have had a yearning for a partner, I have always enjoyed my lifestyle, yet in the big place I have now it feels a little empty. I want someone to lean on, rely on, take out the damn trash! I've been dating over the past year and although I am accustomed to it, it really is a strange time to be a single woman who just wants something normal. I have friends who found their significant others before the age of swiping right, so it does make for a few good stories.

I sometimes fear judging a book by it's cover and missing all the good stuff inside. When I think about what I thought about my life and how different it turned out, I think I need to do that with people too. If I just think about what I want on paper I may be closing some doors, who knows, I may find a gem going off script. So I am putting it in the universe, and myself out there, more open and taking more chances.

I have enjoyed being independent and self reliant, and I will always be proud I took care of myself for so long, but I am ready to take care of someone else too xo

Strong

Tired Tired

Time for a spring pick me up. The spring cold has hit, allergies have snuck in, and working extra 4 days a week after work has me dragging my ass. I am on my third cup of coffee after two people told me how tired I look today.... jerks. I could continue this way for the next few weeks and struggle to pull myself together, or be forgiving with gentle reminders.

I am working more, but being with children and out of the office truly makes me happy. I enjoy every minute worked. Girl Guides is making a difference in these girls lives, and I see the benefit it provides to them, even when I've spent an hour and a half wrangling 15 girls and not getting through half of what I planned for the night. Their smiles make me smile. Working extra has provided me more opportunities to travel, which gives me something to look forward to.

So yes I am tired, so I will learn to rest, and not to quit. I think rest makes me uneasy because it is the first stop on a slippery slope into a rut. So resting to rejuvenate is my goal. I am not tired just from being tired, I am exhausted because I get up every day and do what I love.