I didn't know my own strength

How funny and fleeting life can be. I always said I was going to get my shit together when I was 30, get serious about life. My cousin, 29 like me, is now a widow. She's built a whole and full life and now must face the idea of a different ending. Tragedy really brings what is important, or lack there of, to the fore front. I remembered how strong I can be when strength was needed. Even through it was in the face of sadness, the love that radiated from this family of ours and the community showed me the peace in strength, and strength in numbers.

Weak moments and days have flooded me lately, but the harder I try the stronger I become. I am more self aware of how important self care is, and find myself waking up a bit stronger and less exhausted. I am making a concious effort to be more engaged in all the little moments, and hope my heart softens to the heavy hardness I've been carrying around. 

I'm taking chances, not any leaps or bounds, but I'm more aware of how precious our moments really are. My spirit may be tired, but I would not be honouring my true self if I lead a life void of meaning or joy. It may end up being a more quiet life than I imagined but I long for content and peace, purpose and passion.

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him.. Winter just isn't my season

In Betweens

I am Amazing

We're on each other's team

But a faint spirit haunting the memory of a body

I heard an actress say this line during a Netflix binge and wondered if this is an appropriate answer to give when people ask how I am doing. For I know I am long past the phase of faking it until I make it, and my sadness shows on my face and aches in my bones. I know who I was and who I want to be, yet I am stuck in this limbo of either grief or hollowness, carrying around the empty shell of a former self. Whatever I was doing to keep myself a float, that constant falling and pulling myself back up is broken, it is no longer working and happiness seems further away than ever.

Now that I've admit it, and it is in the process of sinking in, I know the next step will be work. But it's either that or something I know I won't be able to face. Perhaps I am broken so I can put myself back  together in a way that eases and pleases my heart and soul. Like taking a house and tearing it down to its bones so you can rebuild a home that is yours. Such a tedious project is surely worthy of patience and care, for the end result is always a wonderful reveal.

I am tired and sad, but still hopeful. I know how loved I am and who is in my corner, that is always with me. I think I just need a little more help than that.

Pinterest & Coffee Mornings