She reached for Stars that were really just cheap lights

Please excuse my videos in place of a blog post. I am so busy, but life is great, hence the lack of my writing. I have yet to find what I am looking for romantically, but have come to conclusion that I am OK with that now. For the time being.
I've always given myself, willingly, in search of love. I have recently read a passage in a book and had to pause, because it reminded me of myself so much that I could have written it. Here it is (two actually):
(1) "Give me wild, soaring, indefinite, and unpredictable. That is what is real."
Now I have thought about this quote, and it is exciting, adventurous, and perhaps everything I think I am looking for. But it is these bold moves that in the end leave you hesitant to risk it all again.
(2) "She had fallen in love too hard and too wrong. Traveled far and wide to escape herself. Reached for stars that were really just cheap lights. Her longing was deep and eternal: she knew she would be searching for love until she found it."
Now of course looking for love until it satisfies you is not a crime. However, reaching for those cheap lights and pretending there are stars is. I have sold myself short too many times. Everyone says "Nothing worth it is easy." And I have learned that things that come too easy certainly are not worthy, nor what I am looking for at this point. It is the things that you have to work for, even though they seem unworthy. In the end all that hard work and patience will pay off.
I suppose I am contradicting myself from one quote to the next, but perhaps it is because I have not found my balance yet. I don't want to be reaching for those cheap lights, yet I don't want to blinded by the true stars so much that I am making wrong choices.
Until I figure it all out:
The Hopeless Romantic xox

You're going to wish you, Never had met me

Here Comes the Sun!

Finally, some sunshine! Like a ray of hope! I feel with the approach of spring and the melting of the snow I am slowly waking up! And I love it! As the snow melts and the world awakes I feel I will become more alive. Like the grass and the flowers, slowly waking up, so is whatever it is that makes me the me I love. The sun seems to be melting this shell I was wearing for months. I am excited to get moving and get living!
Live Love Laugh!

In the depth of winter I found within me lays an eternal summer

Still carrying with me the winter funk I try to remind myself of the time of year when I feel most alive. Try to invoke the sun into my thought process and spirit. I am so ready to feel alive again, not drudge through each day hoping to wake up and find the sunlight that warms my soul. Time to light that fire and let the warmth begin. I can feel the love start flowing again. Not towards any person, but just in general. I have rediscovered my love for reading for hours, and for the first time the love of a hot shower. I have always showered for necessity. I have be marveled at for my ability to shower fast, but recently i have showered for the love of feeling the hot water run over me, perhaps in its own way warming my soul. Just little things, simple joys have reminded me to let the love flow all the time, not just when the time is right. Maybe in this simplicity I will find love being drawn to me, or myself being drawn to it.
Hot showers and books.. maybe I am truly hopeless.

Happy Valentines!

Ahh, the day of love is upon us. I painted my nails, wore red with a flower in my hair, ate chocolates and handed out my cards. I smiled and told everyone I saw Happy Valentine's. I am a sucker for any Holiday, this being one of my favorite being the hopeless romantic I am, also red is my favorite color so I really got to flaunt it. But, my heart wasn't in it as always, but I still enjoy any day that celebrates love, not so much the commercial aspect which people can get a hate on for, but just the idea in general! I can't wait until i can revel in the light of someone else's love for me, not just one day a year, but everyday. Even though sometimes it feels like I might never find that, when I do actually think about it, it makes me smile.
Although lately I have been surrounded by a lot of negativity when it comes to love, I refuse to let that change my view on true love. Here is my favorite love quote. It happens to be from the bible and you have probably heard it at every wedding you have even been too, but I feel in love with it before I knew that. Someone bought my a journal with bible verses in it for inspiration and there it was, this is what I want some day.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails "
Until I find that I suppose I am still hopeless :)
Happy Valentine's Day! xox

Winter Funk

Time to ditch this winter funk I am stuck in. Where all I want to do is curl up and chill.. every day ALL day!! I am engulfed by this sluggish feeling of BLAH! I need to move, need to think, need to smile!! I can already feel myself slowly coming out of it (thank goodness) but I really got to push it now! My weight-loss goal has been deterred, I need to get on track and get moving! I think some fresh air will do me good and besides I got a wedding to look sexy for, and time is creeping up fast! I need some motivation and inspiration, if I need to provide it for myself then so be it. Here I go, wish me luck!

Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic

I thought that if I could write it all out, in plain sight for me to see then perhaps I can recognize the error of my ways. Perhaps next time this list will pop into my head and I will not be adding another negative entry to it. Although it mostly reads like a bad track record, though there were a few high points, a few keepers (which obviously I did not keep). But here it is, the Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic.
1. Mr. Perfect – As in Mr. too perfect, at 15 he had our whole lives planned out, and it scared me so I bailed. As punishment I will probably never find someone as sweet, attentive and caring ever again.
2. The Cheater/Jerk/Soul-Crusher – Ok, so maybe I am giving him too much credit. Like myself he did have his high points (mostly high times though: p) I believe this is the reason I am scarred when it comes to love. Before this point I still had that innocence, the fresh feeling towards having new love. I still get it sometimes, but it is tainted by knowing the inevitable. I may have picked up some trust issues around here as well.
3. The one that got away – I have nothing bad to say here, he came along when I needed him, renewed my faith in love and let me experience the ultimate summer romance. Maybe if he had never come along when he did I wouldn’t BE such a hopeless romantic, but I will never be sorry for that.
4. **2 YR love-free period** I think this time off left me forgetting what a nice guy was really like
5. The one that secretly had a girlfriend – Well it wasn’t always a secret, but once I knew was when I started overlook faults to try and make myself happy. And here begins my downfall. After this as punishment I went on a vow of celibacy for 18 months. I wanted to wait for someone to mean something, someone special. Then came….
6. The Married One – “Separated” and getting a divorce, but of course all lies. *Also a cheater* Just so you know, old doesn’t mean wise, or good at really anything, like having fun. After being cheated on once again I wasn’t so sure waiting for someone special was such a good idea or worth it all. I had really thought I found something here, was completely blind, stupid and one of those girls everyone feels sorry for. After this begins looking for love in all the wrong places.
7. The Guitar Player – One of the good ones. Ideally my perfect guy, plays guitar, writes poems, sweet and funny, likes to cuddle and have a good time. Also likes moving, hard to keep a hold on someone who is always on the go. So I let go.
8. Mr. Nice Guy – Ultimately someone I should want after being so disappointed. Nice, great, would give you the shirt off his back. But I didn’t want it, I couldn’t find myself attracted to the one person who I should have been. Bad timing I guess.
9. Everyone Else – Then there is all the flirtations and flings and something’s that were really nothing. At some point I did fall for one of these no ones. (Maybe two) The ones I had pegged as “love em and leave em”. Of course this was a mistake leaving me feeling sillier than ever. I should have known better than to fall when no one has promised to catch me.

And there it is, I have been stupid in love, not quite in love and just stupid. I have been the stereo typical girl, tried to pull off loving like a man does, and have ended up still not sure what I want. I know I want someone, I know I want love, but perhaps this not knowing exactly what I want is why I have tried with all the wrong ones. I have no idea how to decide or to find what I want and need. After reviewing this list I think I am still as hopeless as ever. Oh well.