The softness in my strength

I have always been proud of the fact that I accomplished what I have on my own. It didn't always feel that way at times, on the long way around, or on long winter nights, but mostly it is true. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to let people really in, I was so worried about me making it work that it is hard for me to let others help me. If I can't make it on my own now, I feel shame, or wonder why I felt the need to go it alone this whole time.

As I open myself up to new connections and getting to know others again, or from scratch, sometimes I feel terrified. I have never followed the time line of my peers, hitting all the "right" milestones along the way, so on days of insecurity it can feel like I don't measure up accordingly to society. However, I cannot forget my indifference is what I am truly made up of. Going beyond the norms to stick to your values and beliefs, ignoring that insecure feeling because if I had given into it I would have settled a long time ago. Although I certainly feel a void sometimes, I am grateful for my path so far.

As the depression eased up this last year, the anxiety kicked into high gear. There have been a lot of changes in my personal life and exciting opportunities careers wise, although it can be scary I need to embrace the change, loose my balance in order to move forward if you will. I cannot use my usual techniques of avoidance, because I more afraid I will miss something good. Fighting for happiness usually makes me feel strong, but on the days I am weak I am learning to take the help offered, and even ask if need be. May I have room to let the people I need into my life and heart xo.

I wouldn't belong to you

When the silence isn't quiet & it feels like it is getting hard to breathe

I have shared this before, but it is a much needed reminder after this past week <3

Knock Three Times

If I loved you and lost you there is a good chance you are not still in my life. But those ones who touched my life so deeply and for a short time are the loves that I hold dear. How easy it is to imagine what could have been instead of remembering what really happened. How wonderful it is to imagine a life together because you have not actually lived it. If we had I would not hold those few others in such high esteem I think, for real life would have got us. Because really, I am who I am, and the love I have to give I am sure in the end will end up with a particular heart, one suited for all I have to give.

There are pieces of me even those I truly loved have never experienced, because those pieces will remain dormant until I know my heart finds its forever home. Lately I feel like it has been knocking though, checking to see where it might fit. I am excited to see where this journey goes, and this point in my life I am really yearning to share it.

They say you can't go back, but baby I don't believe that

I found my foot & on my own

When you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think of me

There are few people I have loved who are still in my life. The one who is, may be the one that truly got away. I think this is why I never did cut off all contact with him. No one loved me the way he did, and I have never loved anyone the way I loved him. Young and innocent, he picked up my broken heart and healed me. He came back for me time and time again, but I think true love scared me. Having to move scared me, but now facing the idea that I made the wrong choice scares me. But it was my choice, and I do have to live with it.

I don't have the right to try and give him my heart now, now when he is happy. I have done that before and taken it back so hastily. When my friends and family say we belong together, or they wish we would have worked, I sigh. I know we are not together because of me. I say I am happy for him, and of course I am, because I love him. I bite my tongue when he asks me how I am, I never tell him how much my family loves him when asks about them. So I answer and then put the phone away, fearing I'll spill my heart. What good would that do now? I wasn't ready at 17, 18, or again at 23. I should not have expected him to wait.

I'll send out the love I keep inside and hope it comes back to me in someone will love me the way he did, gentle and kind.