Monday, March 25, 2019

The softness in my strength

I have always been proud of the fact that I accomplished what I have on my own. It didn't always feel that way at times, on the long way around, or on long winter nights, but mostly it is true. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to let people really in, I was so worried about me making it work that it is hard for me to let others help me. If I can't make it on my own now, I feel shame, or wonder why I felt the need to go it alone this whole time.

As I open myself up to new connections and getting to know others again, or from scratch, sometimes I feel terrified. I have never followed the time line of my peers, hitting all the "right" milestones along the way, so on days of insecurity it can feel like I don't measure up accordingly to society. However, I cannot forget my indifference is what I am truly made up of. Going beyond the norms to stick to your values and beliefs, ignoring that insecure feeling because if I had given into it I would have settled a long time ago. Although I certainly feel a void sometimes, I am grateful for my path so far.

As the depression eased up this last year, the anxiety kicked into high gear. There have been a lot of changes in my personal life and exciting opportunities careers wise, although it can be scary I need to embrace the change, loose my balance in order to move forward if you will. I cannot use my usual techniques of avoidance, because I more afraid I will miss something good. Fighting for happiness usually makes me feel strong, but on the days I am weak I am learning to take the help offered, and even ask if need be. May I have room to let the people I need into my life and heart xo.

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