Freak Out or Figure Shit Out

I knew I needed a change, but one things I forgot was how anxious it makes me feel. I have a history of freaking out, or not handling change well. I would become so overwhelmed that I would become intimidated and give up. Which was hard because it didn’t suit my personality. It took a long time for me to realize that it was anxiety and it didn’t just start as an adult. My outgoing persoanily hid it well but big situations were not my strong suit. Break ups, moving, school. It took me a while, but I figured out what worked best for me and how to conquer challenges, not cower from them.

Those feeling I had in times when I did flee are coming back with a vengeance, my body is preparing itself for flight or fight mode. But I know I cannot take flight and that this is my life now, I have to fight and figure shit out. I am so thankful for my prior work experience for it truly prepared me for the challenge ahead, the learning curve is steep but every week I make it a little further. There is only forward on this path, the one I’ve been searching for finally feels certain.

Summer here was wonderful, I camped, I went home, I visited friends and family. But now that we are in the thick of routine and my responsibilities are in full swing, I miss home more than ever. I miss stopping by on my way home, after work sister visits, weekend brunches, all the children I won’t see every day. Leaving was not an easy choice, although I can see it was best choice, I left a lot behind. My beloved centre, girl guides, the community garden, family. However it is not that far and I can do all those things here.

My comfort zone was a nice place to be, but figuring shit out on a new path is empowering. I found a part of my old self that I accepted was gone forever, but she’s here and she know how to harness that anxious energy into clearing hurdles. Welcome back.

32 Days until Punta Cana xo

Buy myself all of my favorite things xo

They say money cannot but happiness, and that was evident over the last two years. Deciding to travel made things tight, and moving last year even more so, I truly was getting really good at barely getting by. I took hand me downs, second hand things, asked for what I needed for Christmas, borrowed items for events. But now, beginning a new chapter of my career I need to do some wardrobe upgrading, especially since going down a few sizes. I haven't had the chance to do so since my last job change in 2015.

This song posted reminds me of this time I had saved up for a destination wedding and decided not to book at the last minute. So taking my hard earned money I went black Friday shopping and really built a wardrobe I could mix and match and feel confident in my new manager role. Items I might add I am still wearing to this day. I took saved vacation money and bought three years worth or work clothes, that I am just needed to start to replace now.

My partner at the time gave me such a hard time about spending my OWN money on black Friday on MY birthday weekend.... safe to say he was not the one :p Now that I am in a position to once again indulge here and there this makes me chuckle. My favorite things are much more simple, buying my favorite dark roast, pens for work, or my favorite chapstick I haven't worn in a year because it wasn't in my budget. However the last two years made me much more frugal and mindful and I probably won't change my lifestyle, but I sure can breath again and spoil myself a little.

You Look Happy

I don't think I can put into words how wonderful and how beneficial this move has been for me. Even over long periods of happiness that nagging sadness was always edging in, stealing time through naps, or weekends spent alone. I have been busier than ever, too busy to even realize I have completely begun a new. New house, new job, new people, new children. The challenge seemed too daunting at first, but I didn't really give myself a chance to think about it. From the day of the job offer, I had two weeks to wrap up my life in Nipigon and start a new. 

Things have finally settled in, and it has hit me that Nipigon is no longer my home. I wasn't home sick until the anniversary of a love one's death date, but a few quick visits home cured me up and reassured me I had made the right choice for my career, mental health and personal relationships. Leaving those I loved dearly was hard, but they will always love me. Meeting new people, truly loving myself and to find someone special will be worth starting over.

I always thought that even when I reached the level of happiness I have been craving, I would never be my old self again, gosh its probably been at 10-12 years since I really felt that way. But yet I do. They say happiness makes you look different, I think it makes me look beautiful xo

& in the summer, we laugh, love & soak up the sun

I want you to be happier

I know I always say life is a journey, but I feel like I have arrived at where I am suppose to be, at least for the time being. When I moved in the fall last year, it really made improvements to my mood, but at the end of the day the move did not fulfill the expectations I had, not like this move has. I never thought I would see the day I wanted to leave my little town behind, but doing so was probably the best decision I have ever made, and now I have a new little town not too far away from home to make my own.

Looking back I don't know what the connection to my comfort zone was so strong, before my 20's I was the most energetic outgoing person. I went away to camps and retreats on my own all the time, met new people every where I went. It's nice to know that part of me is still there, I had thought I had everyone in my life that I needed. It turns out there are always new people who can expand and add to you life.

I have been trying to hard to be happy for so long that I didn't notice it has become less of an effort. Happiness has not come this naturally in probably over 6 years, I am praying all this hard work is paying off. I felt like I was always waiting for something to change or begin, and this turn of fate was just what I needed. I don't use the word fate loosely, but the way the universe aligned to allow everything to fall in the place the way it has makes me believe I am exactly where I am suppose to be.

We are all just walking each other home