Keep Breathing

Sorry I haven't been writing, I know it's been a little bit, and it might still be a while in between posts for the time being. I've always found when writing something it's a very emotional process for me. I need to feel, to believe the words I am writing, I know the last post was kinda crap. It happens. I just feel like inviting all that emotion in is treading on dangerous territory right now. Deep down all emotions feel tied into each other one way or another. By remembering, loving, hurting, falling it's opening a door that I am trying my hardest to keep locked. And it's silly to try and not feel anything, I don't want to be an emotionless zombie, but I certainly don't want to welcome anymore of what I have been feeling lately. However I do realize there and no stopping it, and I am just trying to stay grounded so when these tidal waves of sorrow wash over me I am still left standing. I feel like I am walking along just fine enjoying the day and I look away for a second and hit a brick wall, I am left so stunned that nothing else really matters. For split seconds you forget about everything that has happened, but reality won't let you keep that ignorant moment and life punches you in the gut, taking your breath away.
Keep breathing, that's what I tell myself, something that can be taken for granted, you do it without thinking, but then you have to think about it to carry you to the next moment, the moment where it won't feel as awful as it did a moment before, it becomes such a trvial thing. And when you stop that's it. They say life is about the moments that take your breath away, I always thought that was such a happy saying, like the moments of falling in love, being with friends, all the great things in life. But the awful things in life really take you breath away as well, but I suppose living is also about the moments you catch your breath again. Keep breathing, keep living, keep remembering, but just for a moment I don't want to keep feeling.. just a moment.

Lessons Learned

Sorry it's been a while. It's hard to write about love when your heart is broken. And I really think it might be for real, I just have this burning hollow feeling that sporadically breaks into hammering on my chest. But a broken heart still beats and life goes on. When life throws you something so profound it really is like a wake up call, it's time to take a good look at your life and decided what really matters and what is important. I think I am actually started to learn all those lessons that have just gone in one ear and out the other before. So here are lessons of the heart from the hopeless romantic.

1. You don't always to jump in with two eyes closed
2. It's ok to test the waters before being engulfed
3. If he says he's getting a divorce, he's lying
4. If they cheat, leave. Nothing's going to be the same
5. Everything does get better with time
6. If he can make you smile, he's a keeper
7. Don't forget about your friends, if it doesn't work you'll need them
8. Lust can feel a lot like love, so be careful
9. Taking it slow is ok
10. Always be yourself, if they don't like that they aren't worth it (someone didn't like that I don't wear matching sock, that would have NEVER worked)
11. Really get to know someone, they might be things you didn't know that you love or real deal breakers, just because they are cute doesn't mean they deserve your all
12. If you are going to give it your all every time, expect a little heartbreak, but really don't give it all away right away, everyone loves a little mystery (this rule is VERY hard for me)
13. Just because someone is interested doesn't mean you have to be
14. Your mother is usually right
15. Everything and everyone happens for a reason, even if the jerk broke your heart, he is sending on your way to what you are really suppose to be doing, and even if all you got from them was another lesson it's better then being with the wrong one.

I am sure there are more and of course I am still learning, but I don't feel like I am as hopeless as I was a year ago, and hopefully a little smarter when it comes to my heart. Sure it still beats, but that poor thing has taken a beating, many time by my own hand, so I'm going to try and be smart and give this old ticker a break.
Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic x0x

I'll be loving you, Love Me

No matter how many times I have fallen in and out of love, there is a love that doesn't go away. Certain men that I will always love, unconditionally, unreasonably and absolutely. Men like my father, my brother, cousins, uncles and grandfathers. I can never ever again say that I've had the worst day after yesterday. In the blur of everything I can definitely remember the feeling of my heart breaking, not being able to catch my breath, my face burning from all the tears that had fallen. The faces of the ones I love, not even trying to hold it together anymore.
But to keep those thoughts at bay I also have to remember the man who was at every hockey game, yelling at the ref whether I deserved those penalties or not, and yelling quite loudly since he was hard of hearing. I remember picking him out in the crowd through the bright lights at every single singing recital and competition beside my Nanny and her ever present video camera. Every single birthday party and special occasion of their seventeen grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. It certainly didn't matter if you were blood or step-grandchildren, you were a part of our family and that was what mattered. I'll remember being a little girl and him letting me comb his hair, I was always so fascinated by his amount of chest hair, and a little worried his chain would get caught in it. I always liked all the candy dishes they had and how he tickled you until it hurt or you pissed yourself. Christmas certainly won't be the same without him there with his guitar playing our family favorites such as Chocolate Ice Cream Cone and You are my Sunshine. Songs like Living on Love by Alan Jackson and Love Me by Collin Raye will always remind me of sitting around the campfire at Jesse Lake burning marshmallows. I actually thought he and my Dad wrote those songs for years and was outraged when I heard them on the radio, I thought Alan Jackson stole my dad's song. When those songs played I also pictured them happening to him and always will.
With such a big heart and so much love to give he has created and amazing legacy, and part of him is in each of us. Look what one person created, this big strong unit so now we don't have to face this alone. With all these people to lean on I feel like we could hold up the whole world, a most certainly this heavy heart.
I remember praying for more time and strength yesterday, begging through my tears, and I can see God had balanced my request by placing it all on strength. I am not as strong as I would like to be and I certainly wish I did have more time. Time for him to see me get married and meet my babies, time to become the person I want to be so he could be proud. But I know regrets are not going to help or make anything easier, and I know he was proud. Whether I was in the penalty box, on stage, singing along as he strummed, serving beer or trying to get my life together. He was our sunshine and I can feel his love shining down, and as I grow and achieve the things I desire I know he will be proud. This life hits your hard sometimes, but God wouldn't give you what you can't handle and he doesn't take anything but the best. So between now and thing until I see you again, I'll be loving you, Love Me.
Tatum xox

It was not your fault or mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time.. didn't I my dear?

I have come to the conclusion I am one of those people who decide what they want, and then go after it. I am also one of those people who change their minds all the time.
Example one, I was going to be a Drama teacher, and PSW, and an Art Historian. But I am still a bartender/waitress/ Beer Store employee. I have wanted to be a Daycare teacher for some time now but have not pursued aggressively because I wanted to make sure this was it. I am almost positive but a part of me is still afraid of getting halfway there and then coming back to square one.
Example two, I have wanted to not be lonely for quite some time now, so to avoid it I have kept myself busy working three jobs, playing hockey, babysitting, volunteering at hockey games, schools and more recently canvasing. I have to color-code my calender to manage my life, that really isn't all that important. However when I hear a song on the radio or fall asleep in my single bed I still end up with my old friend loneliness. However when an opportunity presents itself it seems I no longer want someone to fill that void, although there is barely anytime left to do so.
How can I be such a contradiction? Do I really want something to answer to, maybe now that my free time is so few I'd rather just do what I please, be it watch my black and white movies, murder mystery shows, walk or blog I want to be able to do that and not worry about how I am spending my free time. Maybe I am making something out of nothing again. I don't see how I can keep doing that though, I thought it was out of boredom, but surely I cannot be bored with this hectic-ness I have created for myself. Is it really fair to string things along to see how I may or may not eventually feel, giving others the impression something may or may not lead to something else? Do I need any more attachment to this town I am so desperate to leave? And more importantly, am I prepared to do to others what I have disliked people doing to me? All I know for sure is I am not ready to answer these questions and make decisions. I would much rather read my Nora Roberts, or watch the Turner Classic Movie Channel and wish my life was more like Old Hollywood.. I don't think my mom reads this but if she was she would kindly remind me (ok, not so kindly) as she does at least once a week "Tatum, it's time to grow up.. and do the dishes." However the dishes are done and it's almost midnight, so maybe I'll work on growing up tomorrow. Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox