I'll be loving you, Love Me

No matter how many times I have fallen in and out of love, there is a love that doesn't go away. Certain men that I will always love, unconditionally, unreasonably and absolutely. Men like my father, my brother, cousins, uncles and grandfathers. I can never ever again say that I've had the worst day after yesterday. In the blur of everything I can definitely remember the feeling of my heart breaking, not being able to catch my breath, my face burning from all the tears that had fallen. The faces of the ones I love, not even trying to hold it together anymore.
But to keep those thoughts at bay I also have to remember the man who was at every hockey game, yelling at the ref whether I deserved those penalties or not, and yelling quite loudly since he was hard of hearing. I remember picking him out in the crowd through the bright lights at every single singing recital and competition beside my Nanny and her ever present video camera. Every single birthday party and special occasion of their seventeen grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. It certainly didn't matter if you were blood or step-grandchildren, you were a part of our family and that was what mattered. I'll remember being a little girl and him letting me comb his hair, I was always so fascinated by his amount of chest hair, and a little worried his chain would get caught in it. I always liked all the candy dishes they had and how he tickled you until it hurt or you pissed yourself. Christmas certainly won't be the same without him there with his guitar playing our family favorites such as Chocolate Ice Cream Cone and You are my Sunshine. Songs like Living on Love by Alan Jackson and Love Me by Collin Raye will always remind me of sitting around the campfire at Jesse Lake burning marshmallows. I actually thought he and my Dad wrote those songs for years and was outraged when I heard them on the radio, I thought Alan Jackson stole my dad's song. When those songs played I also pictured them happening to him and always will.
With such a big heart and so much love to give he has created and amazing legacy, and part of him is in each of us. Look what one person created, this big strong unit so now we don't have to face this alone. With all these people to lean on I feel like we could hold up the whole world, a most certainly this heavy heart.
I remember praying for more time and strength yesterday, begging through my tears, and I can see God had balanced my request by placing it all on strength. I am not as strong as I would like to be and I certainly wish I did have more time. Time for him to see me get married and meet my babies, time to become the person I want to be so he could be proud. But I know regrets are not going to help or make anything easier, and I know he was proud. Whether I was in the penalty box, on stage, singing along as he strummed, serving beer or trying to get my life together. He was our sunshine and I can feel his love shining down, and as I grow and achieve the things I desire I know he will be proud. This life hits your hard sometimes, but God wouldn't give you what you can't handle and he doesn't take anything but the best. So between now and thing until I see you again, I'll be loving you, Love Me.
Tatum xox