It was not your fault or mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time.. didn't I my dear?

I have come to the conclusion I am one of those people who decide what they want, and then go after it. I am also one of those people who change their minds all the time.
Example one, I was going to be a Drama teacher, and PSW, and an Art Historian. But I am still a bartender/waitress/ Beer Store employee. I have wanted to be a Daycare teacher for some time now but have not pursued aggressively because I wanted to make sure this was it. I am almost positive but a part of me is still afraid of getting halfway there and then coming back to square one.
Example two, I have wanted to not be lonely for quite some time now, so to avoid it I have kept myself busy working three jobs, playing hockey, babysitting, volunteering at hockey games, schools and more recently canvasing. I have to color-code my calender to manage my life, that really isn't all that important. However when I hear a song on the radio or fall asleep in my single bed I still end up with my old friend loneliness. However when an opportunity presents itself it seems I no longer want someone to fill that void, although there is barely anytime left to do so.
How can I be such a contradiction? Do I really want something to answer to, maybe now that my free time is so few I'd rather just do what I please, be it watch my black and white movies, murder mystery shows, walk or blog I want to be able to do that and not worry about how I am spending my free time. Maybe I am making something out of nothing again. I don't see how I can keep doing that though, I thought it was out of boredom, but surely I cannot be bored with this hectic-ness I have created for myself. Is it really fair to string things along to see how I may or may not eventually feel, giving others the impression something may or may not lead to something else? Do I need any more attachment to this town I am so desperate to leave? And more importantly, am I prepared to do to others what I have disliked people doing to me? All I know for sure is I am not ready to answer these questions and make decisions. I would much rather read my Nora Roberts, or watch the Turner Classic Movie Channel and wish my life was more like Old Hollywood.. I don't think my mom reads this but if she was she would kindly remind me (ok, not so kindly) as she does at least once a week "Tatum, it's time to grow up.. and do the dishes." However the dishes are done and it's almost midnight, so maybe I'll work on growing up tomorrow. Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox