Thursday, August 28, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
Sometimes when the big things happen it makes you realize all the other stuff really isn't that important. I think I finally am pretty good at fnding the lessons by now. "Don't be sad because it is over, smile because it happened." You think it would be hard to miss something that you never quite had, but really it's the idea of what I was hoping for that I am missing. I think I felt myself rely on someone else a little for the first time, felt comforted with the idea of letting someone in. And maybe that is the lesson there, that I can let someone in, there is no longer a need for the walls I had built in the past. I no longer want meaningless encounters, or fear letting someone in. I learned that I can be feminine and soft and somewhat sweet. I remembered how good I am at caring for others, the joy of doing things to bring a smile to someone, simply caring for another person as more than a friend. It had been so long and I forgot how good it really feels. Maybe it was only meant to be short lived because beyond that I wouldn't be moving on with fond feelings. But I can, and be grateful and graceful while doing it, I hope :p I let myself get lost for a while, but I think I found parts of me I was looking for, parts that I had lost to being cynical, jaded or to self doubt. When someone goes, no matter how they leave I want them to remember the best parts of me. "Leave people better than you found them." I think I am taking what I have been given and leaving better, and I hope those I around me feel the same way.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Summertime Sadness
Today I am extra sad. Today I really miss you. It's funny, I could go for weeks before without saying anything and now I want to talk to you everyday. I want to share little things that will make you smile. I miss your smile, and your lips, your hair and how you smell like incence. I miss staying up all night and drinking tea with you. I was just starting to notice all the little things about you I loved and now it's all I am able to think about. It's fun to fall when it's new and exciting, but to keep falling when someone else has already checked out just feels sad. I remember all I wanted for so long was just to be held, if I would have known how fast my heart would race, or how it would take me a second to catch my breath I probably would have thought twice. Maybe ignorance is bliss because now my arms feel empty and I feel lonely. I wish I could have quieted my mind and shut my mouth and just enjoyed what I had, but I feel like once the words are out there is no going back. If I hadn't wanted too much then I would have more right now.. go figure.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Days like this
Is it jaded or pessimistic of me to expect the worst all the time? I seem to thrive in times of sadness because by now I am so used to being in that state, or ending up there. It must be easier to let go or move on when you are doing so because you want to, because you are angry. But when there are no bad feelings its almost like a phantam limb sydrome, they still cross your mind and you smile, you want to reach out and share something before you remember that is not an option anymore. How this can apply to so many different situations. How often we feel we have no choice in the matter. You can choose happiness all you want, choose to take a chance, lay it on the line, but life happens and you are left with what you are dealt. I think I will be shocked the day things do work out. When everything that seems too good to be true isn't ripped away, when your heart doesn't weigh so heavy it pulls your smile into a frown. Loosing a new friend hurts, loosing a best friend feels tragic and gut wrenching. Everything feels so mixed up I have such a hard time finding words, mostly I find tears and sleep.. where everything doesn't seem so bad. How terrified I am for when that wake up call comes, I can almost hear it ticking like a count down, or it is just the own panic of my heart I also seem to have no control over. How sad I feel to have lost some of the comfort I thought I had found, and how disappointed I feel in myself for trusting that happiness. I don't regret anything, but letting yourself believe doesn't always end the way you thought it would. I am not sure if I believe in miracles or wishes anymore and I am sad I am loosing part of myself to a more cynical adult. Days like this makes finding happiness a hit or miss.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Tom Petty - It'll All Work Out
"Still I think of you when the Sun goes down, never goes away, but it all works out" ♫
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
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