Days like this

Is it jaded or pessimistic of me to expect the worst all the time? I seem to thrive in times of sadness because by now I am so used to being in that state, or ending up there. It must be easier to let go or move on when you are doing so because you want to, because you are angry. But when there are no bad feelings its almost like a phantam limb sydrome, they still cross your mind and you smile, you want to reach out and share something before you remember that is not an option anymore. How this can apply to so many different situations. How often we feel we have no choice in the matter. You can choose happiness all you want, choose to take a chance, lay it on the line, but life happens and you are left with what you are dealt. I think I will be shocked the day things do work out. When everything that seems too good to be true isn't ripped away, when your heart doesn't weigh so heavy it pulls your smile into a frown. Loosing a new friend hurts, loosing a best friend feels tragic and gut wrenching. Everything feels so mixed up I have such a hard time finding words, mostly I find tears and sleep.. where everything doesn't seem so bad. How terrified I am for when that wake up call comes, I can almost hear it ticking like a count down, or it is just the own panic of my heart I also seem to have no control over. How sad I feel to have lost some of the comfort I thought I had found, and how disappointed I feel in myself for trusting that happiness. I don't regret anything, but letting yourself believe doesn't always end the way you thought it would. I am not sure if I believe in miracles or wishes anymore and I am sad I am loosing part of myself to a more cynical adult. Days like this makes finding happiness a hit or miss.