Laughing until we were breathless.. Never felt anything so reckless

The Phoenix must burn to emerge

Phoenix (noun): 

• A mythical bird of great beauty fabled to have lived 500-600 hundred years ago in the Arabian Wilderness. It would burn itself on a funeral pyre, and rise from its ashes in the freshness of young and live through another cycle of years. Often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope.
• A person that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation

I like this is a metaphor. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, no matter how many times I burn it down, I still need to rise. I need to find a way to do this so I come out refreshed and restored, not begrudging the fact that I need to start over again. I need an adjustment on my outlook, I always feel I am weighing the negatives of every situation, and letting bad first impressions be cemented. This will not do, I need a mindset that is open to growth, or this small town's small mind will swallow me whole. I need to rise and not worry about how long it will be until my next crash. I am looking to break the cycle and find more balance.

I can feel my out look changing with the seasons, as my favorite time of year is approaching. I want to carry the joy of the seasons with me from one into the next. Rise without having weights pulling me down, for I am sick of the view from down here. It's time to not only survive, but thrive in the process. If I end up having to rise from the ashes againat some point again then I will, more renewed and hopeful than the last time.

Is dating a skill?

So dating. I think I missed the boat on how to act natural in such a situation. I've never gone out with someone and not ended up in a serious relationship. So this idea of navigating through personalities to find a good fit is new. At what point is it fair to say you've given it enough time to decide what a good fit is? How do I not ignore red flags? I always thought I had a good gut instinct.. But past romances have proved that wrong. 

Being wooed makes me feel awkward, like someone who can't take a compliment... And planning something to do with someone you don't know is a skill I am lacking! But I vowed to take more chances and be sure to not let life pass me by, so I'll try and learn some new skills and see what pans out.

I didn't know my own strength

How funny and fleeting life can be. I always said I was going to get my shit together when I was 30, get serious about life. My cousin, 29 like me, is now a widow. She's built a whole and full life and now must face the idea of a different ending. Tragedy really brings what is important, or lack there of, to the fore front. I remembered how strong I can be when strength was needed. Even through it was in the face of sadness, the love that radiated from this family of ours and the community showed me the peace in strength, and strength in numbers.

Weak moments and days have flooded me lately, but the harder I try the stronger I become. I am more self aware of how important self care is, and find myself waking up a bit stronger and less exhausted. I am making a concious effort to be more engaged in all the little moments, and hope my heart softens to the heavy hardness I've been carrying around. 

I'm taking chances, not any leaps or bounds, but I'm more aware of how precious our moments really are. My spirit may be tired, but I would not be honouring my true self if I lead a life void of meaning or joy. It may end up being a more quiet life than I imagined but I long for content and peace, purpose and passion.

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him.. Winter just isn't my season

In Betweens

I am Amazing

We're on each other's team

But a faint spirit haunting the memory of a body

I heard an actress say this line during a Netflix binge and wondered if this is an appropriate answer to give when people ask how I am doing. For I know I am long past the phase of faking it until I make it, and my sadness shows on my face and aches in my bones. I know who I was and who I want to be, yet I am stuck in this limbo of either grief or hollowness, carrying around the empty shell of a former self. Whatever I was doing to keep myself a float, that constant falling and pulling myself back up is broken, it is no longer working and happiness seems further away than ever.

Now that I've admit it, and it is in the process of sinking in, I know the next step will be work. But it's either that or something I know I won't be able to face. Perhaps I am broken so I can put myself back  together in a way that eases and pleases my heart and soul. Like taking a house and tearing it down to its bones so you can rebuild a home that is yours. Such a tedious project is surely worthy of patience and care, for the end result is always a wonderful reveal.

I am tired and sad, but still hopeful. I know how loved I am and who is in my corner, that is always with me. I think I just need a little more help than that.

Pinterest & Coffee Mornings