Friday, January 13, 2017
Saturday, January 7, 2017
An open letter to my friends
To say it has been a long winter would be an understatement. I feel as though I have endured 50 winters of darkness, 50 winters of heavy snow that kept piling up as I kept trying to dredge my way to the top. It was as if an avalanche had engulfed me, and some days I slowly moved forward, but most days I just survived. I would cry as I would put on my make up, praying that no one could see the emptiness behind my smile. Fake smiles are exhausting, so I would come home and sleep, well beyond what is considered a nap, then sleep some more.
Depression is more than just sadness. When you are sad, your grieve and eventually move on. Depression is like an empty hollowness, you are just a shell of yourself, and just carrying that empty shell is simply exhausting. Depression is feeling selfish, because you know life is good and you should be appreciating it, not just observing it. Depression is mourning the person you used to be, and as you battle to get back to her, you realize so much has happened that you may never find her again.
But something changed, and I have found her again. I am changed, but not for the worse. As I find my way back to myself, so many of you are still here. I was worried that as I lost myself in the sadness I may have lost many of you as well. That's how a depressed mind works. Some of you were here all along, and you will never know how much that means to me. As I find my way back to those other important friendships and relationships I was welcomed with a warmness that made me so glad that I fought so hard to get here. Of course there are a few who are no longer beside me, but with this new found happiness I can only let go and say good riddance. Everyone comes along to serve a purpose, but that doesn't mean they will forever hold a spot in your life. People may grow apart, but they never stop growing.
I've quoted this many times, but it always rings so true. "A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the tune." I could have never truly lost myself, because it turns out I have choir behind me. As I go the song changes, but you are always there to rock out along for the ride, and make up the words as we go.
Depression is more than just sadness. When you are sad, your grieve and eventually move on. Depression is like an empty hollowness, you are just a shell of yourself, and just carrying that empty shell is simply exhausting. Depression is feeling selfish, because you know life is good and you should be appreciating it, not just observing it. Depression is mourning the person you used to be, and as you battle to get back to her, you realize so much has happened that you may never find her again.
But something changed, and I have found her again. I am changed, but not for the worse. As I find my way back to myself, so many of you are still here. I was worried that as I lost myself in the sadness I may have lost many of you as well. That's how a depressed mind works. Some of you were here all along, and you will never know how much that means to me. As I find my way back to those other important friendships and relationships I was welcomed with a warmness that made me so glad that I fought so hard to get here. Of course there are a few who are no longer beside me, but with this new found happiness I can only let go and say good riddance. Everyone comes along to serve a purpose, but that doesn't mean they will forever hold a spot in your life. People may grow apart, but they never stop growing.
I've quoted this many times, but it always rings so true. "A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it back to you when you have forgotten the tune." I could have never truly lost myself, because it turns out I have choir behind me. As I go the song changes, but you are always there to rock out along for the ride, and make up the words as we go.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
Monday, December 12, 2016
Too good to be true?
As I try and find a way back to myself, I have considered all the things I must do to get there. I knew thinking about treatment options was something that I could not avoid forever, so I made some choices in order to move forward. Like a rubber band snapping back into place, I feel alive again. Not little by little, but all at once. It was really quite alarming and overwhelming.
"I feel really happy, and really scared that it isn't going to last." I told my mom with tears in my eyes. It is a little strange to feel like yourself again, after so long. It is as if there was a stranger inhabiting my body this whole time, or as if a part of me was asleep, and has finally awoken. I feel a little disorientated, and cautious. Cautious, because for me, good things have not tended to last.
It can't be that simple can it? After years of searching have I finally found my balance? Have I kept that inner spark glowing long enough to finally ignite the flame? Or is it simply one of those last hurrahs, like when a sick person gets one last burst of energy before kicking the bucket?
I suppose only time will tell, but as keeper of my own fate, I will guide it in my favor when I can.
"I feel really happy, and really scared that it isn't going to last." I told my mom with tears in my eyes. It is a little strange to feel like yourself again, after so long. It is as if there was a stranger inhabiting my body this whole time, or as if a part of me was asleep, and has finally awoken. I feel a little disorientated, and cautious. Cautious, because for me, good things have not tended to last.
It can't be that simple can it? After years of searching have I finally found my balance? Have I kept that inner spark glowing long enough to finally ignite the flame? Or is it simply one of those last hurrahs, like when a sick person gets one last burst of energy before kicking the bucket?
I suppose only time will tell, but as keeper of my own fate, I will guide it in my favor when I can.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Sunday Secrets
Although I try my very best to be in the moment and enjoy what I can, it is sometimes easier to find peace in tomorrow, in what comes next. As an optimist I am always sure that next year will be better, next season will bring more happiness. That may not be beneficial to someone who feels so much sadness, but that little bit of hope and optimism elevates it a bit. So, I will savour that hope and still try to ensure I am not letting those happy moments pass me by.
When I say I hope for more, I am not being selfish or greedy. More for me just means a day filled with happiness, followed by another, and hopefully a few more after that. More would be to crack my heart open a little more and finally let someone else in, to be able to trust my decisions and value my worth.
The life I live is smaller than I imagined, but I am learning to love it.
#postsecrets #classicsecrets #sunday
When I say I hope for more, I am not being selfish or greedy. More for me just means a day filled with happiness, followed by another, and hopefully a few more after that. More would be to crack my heart open a little more and finally let someone else in, to be able to trust my decisions and value my worth.
The life I live is smaller than I imagined, but I am learning to love it.
#postsecrets #classicsecrets #sunday
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