Feelin' Myself

Okay, so I thought it hadn't hit me until the second week... but it was this week, and reflecting back even I can see this week was a bit much, Even I'm sick of hearing about this. Life goes on no matter what, and you are either a spectator or making things happen. I think I have taken the role of the spectator in the past, but no more. Even though these past few weeks have been hard, never have I ever wanted to come out on top so badly. This really is a chance to steer the direction I want my journey to take.

I will try my best to mourn any grief that comes my way quietly, but really celebrate the joy. I am happy to be relieved of judgement, I am relieved I do not know what is going to happen next because I want life to surprise me with something amazing, and I am excited to grow rather than loose pieces of myself. I am excited to move forward, to smile and love again. I got this.

I feel messy and torn

Sometimes life takes you places you don't want to go... Example I had to drive all over your neighbourhood for work today, and as expected it felt like a good gut punch. The problem with someone who made you happy is what your left with when they go... The opposite of happy. You really filled me with so much joy at one point I got comfortable and decided to stay, even when the joy started to fade. I thought this was it and we were in it for the long haul, I never imagined us ending, but it did and now I miss it so much. But even though I'm missing you so bad I feel it in my bones, I still can't see us back together. I think deep down I know this is right, which may be the only reason I haven't begged you to stay.. But I'm still tempted. I want an early Friday night and a lazy Saturday morning. I miss when you would give me the chance to do something I had never done before, and love me like I hadn't been loved before. I was finally ready for my first love and first real dates, and so many more firsts. I hope you know how appreciated so many of those moments were for me and how sad I am to not have those anymore.

But I also hope you know being good to me doesn't mean I owe you, you are above me, or I have to agree with all you say and do. I tried to be someone you could see yourself with but that may never be enough, and I wouldn't be able to be true to myself. Yet still a part of me wants to have no shame and find a way back into your arms, and that bitch keeps fighting my dignity and self control. 

So I write, I cry, and tell myself all the reasons we can't be together. Then do it all again in a few days when I feel worn out and beaten down. But it's hard, and I miss you. I'm scared to go on alone and start over, but apparently if it scares you its one of those things in life you should do, a leap of faith or whatever. Wish me luck.

Stormy Weather, Since my Man and I ain't Together... Keeps Raining all of the Time

And by rain I mean tears. Remember that time you showed me how you listen to sad music when you are down, to get it all of your system? Here's hoping it works. It's fair to say I'm blue today. Mix that in with Thirsty Thursday, a little bit of hormones and the actual Blues.. the music that is, and this may not be the last post today. Fair warning.

When you told me you didn't need me anymore, You know I nearly fell down and died....

I'm free and I love to be Free

The only thing that could be better than this would be if I could be completely loved for my freedom & uniqueness. Completely and utterly, like it felt in the beginning. If only you could...

I'll be missing you

How strange it is to be falling out of love when exactly a year ago we were doing to opposite. As the days pass my memories align the days with those days that were spent with you. I am cursing my memory that refuses to let me forget a thing. Our first dinner, our first walk, pizza, kiss, fart. Then I am struck by the moments that were our last ones, only at the time I did not know they would be. I wish our last moments were vibrant and amazing and unforgettable, but they were just another day that have blended into all the others. Mostly I wish I did not have to deal with any of this, face the up coming days alone, mourn the ones that have passed and will never occur again. I think I've made it through the pass few days and weeks pretty good, but when I think about all the ones ahead I have to face alone I feel so tired and frustrated, so alone and sad. The idea of forgetting you feels so daunting, I still remember how it feels to be in your arms, the way you house smells when I first walk in the door, how messy your car is... anything and everything is a constant echo of what was. These worries and words come out with the tears, as they leave my mind and heart just as the tears leave my eyes I can only hope to be slightly relived of this, this strange sad feeling that has found me since you left. I may be trying my best to move on, but it doesn't mean I am not missing you every step forward I take.