Passion, some compassion, some humour and some style xo

I think it finally turned out to be my year. If you would have told me this time last year how different my life would be, I don't think I would have believed you. For some reason I felt tied to the place I called home, only to realize it was holding me back. Home will always be home, but I needed to spread my wings in order to grow. I knew the career change would be daunting, but I am a week away from my probation being over and things seemed to have clicked into place. I never through I would want a job that comes with so much stress and responsibility, but I was under estimating myself. 

The past nine years of the Early Years career has prepared me for this moment, slowly but surely I have built trust and relationships and started to change the culture that no one was thriving in. 

Before I took a leap, I was only surviving, but in the words of Maya Angelou: "My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style." I seem to have a found a style that is working for me. 2019 and brought me back to life completely, may 2020 be a year of thriving. 

The Most Wonderful time of the Year

When I moved slightly North this summer, I didn't think the winters would be any different. However, I seem to have moved into a winter wonderland! It feels like a snow globe a few times a week, or is frosted over with a shine the sun catches, and the heavy fogs that lingers mid air almost glitters on the lake some mornings. My new job requires me to travel between sites and I just love the drives, they are probably the most relaxing moments of my week.

I have always loved Christmas, but Christmas in this new house just has cozy written all over it. Like everything I have envisioned in a home have come together. Although, I am a little ways away from home I realized something clicked recently, and this became my new home. I no longer hesitate going to a new places or greeting my new neighbours, I can't imagine where I would be or how I would be feeling if I had not made a change 5 months ago. 

Cheers to the first of many Christmas' in my new home town.

Now my heart feels like an ember and it's lighting up the dark

Life Long Lessons

I have resorted to photo blogging again. To say this new adventure is overwhelming, is under statement. But life is a daring adventure or nothing. Another factor is how little I actually use my laptop since everything is usually at my finger tips with devices. I want make an effort to carve out time, as writing has always been therapeutic for me. I need to remind myself to take time for the things that ground me, spending more time in nature, with friends, my crazy dog, have been so soothing for me these past few years. For the first time I am confident in my mental health and feel strong, once I felt happier I was able to do more things, I recently discovered I lost 50 lbs. I knew my clothes were getting bigger, but when I saw the numbers I was surprised. I am not quite where I want to be, but know I am well on my way. This career change and relocation is also paying off, I didn't know I was standing at a crossroads until I took a leap of faith and landed safely. I am still learning, but if you aren't learning you will just stay the same.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I am very excited for our first Christmas in this cozy little home xo

This porch was made for pumpkins

A little piece of my heart....

9 years ago I brought a beautiful little kitten to my very first home, and sadly two weeks ago I lost her. There is still some slight hope she may find her way home, but in a new town and winter coming, I had to accept that she might not. I've worried myself sick searching, and the poor dog cries for her each night. So with heavy hearts I will move on from my constant companion and familiar who was always by my side as I navigated adult hood. Rest in Peace my Sweet Baby Gypsy xo

Freak Out or Figure Shit Out

I knew I needed a change, but one things I forgot was how anxious it makes me feel. I have a history of freaking out, or not handling change well. I would become so overwhelmed that I would become intimidated and give up. Which was hard because it didn’t suit my personality. It took a long time for me to realize that it was anxiety and it didn’t just start as an adult. My outgoing persoanily hid it well but big situations were not my strong suit. Break ups, moving, school. It took me a while, but I figured out what worked best for me and how to conquer challenges, not cower from them.

Those feeling I had in times when I did flee are coming back with a vengeance, my body is preparing itself for flight or fight mode. But I know I cannot take flight and that this is my life now, I have to fight and figure shit out. I am so thankful for my prior work experience for it truly prepared me for the challenge ahead, the learning curve is steep but every week I make it a little further. There is only forward on this path, the one I’ve been searching for finally feels certain.

Summer here was wonderful, I camped, I went home, I visited friends and family. But now that we are in the thick of routine and my responsibilities are in full swing, I miss home more than ever. I miss stopping by on my way home, after work sister visits, weekend brunches, all the children I won’t see every day. Leaving was not an easy choice, although I can see it was best choice, I left a lot behind. My beloved centre, girl guides, the community garden, family. However it is not that far and I can do all those things here.

My comfort zone was a nice place to be, but figuring shit out on a new path is empowering. I found a part of my old self that I accepted was gone forever, but she’s here and she know how to harness that anxious energy into clearing hurdles. Welcome back.

32 Days until Punta Cana xo

Buy myself all of my favorite things xo

They say money cannot but happiness, and that was evident over the last two years. Deciding to travel made things tight, and moving last year even more so, I truly was getting really good at barely getting by. I took hand me downs, second hand things, asked for what I needed for Christmas, borrowed items for events. But now, beginning a new chapter of my career I need to do some wardrobe upgrading, especially since going down a few sizes. I haven't had the chance to do so since my last job change in 2015.

This song posted reminds me of this time I had saved up for a destination wedding and decided not to book at the last minute. So taking my hard earned money I went black Friday shopping and really built a wardrobe I could mix and match and feel confident in my new manager role. Items I might add I am still wearing to this day. I took saved vacation money and bought three years worth or work clothes, that I am just needed to start to replace now.

My partner at the time gave me such a hard time about spending my OWN money on black Friday on MY birthday weekend.... safe to say he was not the one :p Now that I am in a position to once again indulge here and there this makes me chuckle. My favorite things are much more simple, buying my favorite dark roast, pens for work, or my favorite chapstick I haven't worn in a year because it wasn't in my budget. However the last two years made me much more frugal and mindful and I probably won't change my lifestyle, but I sure can breath again and spoil myself a little.

You Look Happy

I don't think I can put into words how wonderful and how beneficial this move has been for me. Even over long periods of happiness that nagging sadness was always edging in, stealing time through naps, or weekends spent alone. I have been busier than ever, too busy to even realize I have completely begun a new. New house, new job, new people, new children. The challenge seemed too daunting at first, but I didn't really give myself a chance to think about it. From the day of the job offer, I had two weeks to wrap up my life in Nipigon and start a new. 

Things have finally settled in, and it has hit me that Nipigon is no longer my home. I wasn't home sick until the anniversary of a love one's death date, but a few quick visits home cured me up and reassured me I had made the right choice for my career, mental health and personal relationships. Leaving those I loved dearly was hard, but they will always love me. Meeting new people, truly loving myself and to find someone special will be worth starting over.

I always thought that even when I reached the level of happiness I have been craving, I would never be my old self again, gosh its probably been at 10-12 years since I really felt that way. But yet I do. They say happiness makes you look different, I think it makes me look beautiful xo

& in the summer, we laugh, love & soak up the sun

I want you to be happier

I know I always say life is a journey, but I feel like I have arrived at where I am suppose to be, at least for the time being. When I moved in the fall last year, it really made improvements to my mood, but at the end of the day the move did not fulfill the expectations I had, not like this move has. I never thought I would see the day I wanted to leave my little town behind, but doing so was probably the best decision I have ever made, and now I have a new little town not too far away from home to make my own.

Looking back I don't know what the connection to my comfort zone was so strong, before my 20's I was the most energetic outgoing person. I went away to camps and retreats on my own all the time, met new people every where I went. It's nice to know that part of me is still there, I had thought I had everyone in my life that I needed. It turns out there are always new people who can expand and add to you life.

I have been trying to hard to be happy for so long that I didn't notice it has become less of an effort. Happiness has not come this naturally in probably over 6 years, I am praying all this hard work is paying off. I felt like I was always waiting for something to change or begin, and this turn of fate was just what I needed. I don't use the word fate loosely, but the way the universe aligned to allow everything to fall in the place the way it has makes me believe I am exactly where I am suppose to be.

We are all just walking each other home

Camp Daze

Luckily our happy place is still just an hour away! Nipigon will always have my heart, buy I'm falling in love with Greenstone too. Cheers to new beginnings.

Green Thumb

I had to make my garden to go this year with the move, but I am happy to report I am still getting fresh greens & pretty blooms this summer :)

Building new Happy Places

Home Sweet Home

Everything is happening so fast that I have had barely had time to catch my breath. I have one more day to say good bye then pack up for a new job next week. I will be in my new home a week from Saturday xo I have always wanted a two story with a claw foot tub. I believe fate is on my side with this move, things could not be falling to place more perfectly. Cheers to the magic of new beginnings.

Suddenly you know, it is time to trust the magic of new beginnings

Never did I think I would pack up and leave this place I call home. But something was happening this winter, after a move small changes started turning into big changes and suddenly I wanted more. I kept putting my name in for new experiences, did a ton of interviews and even picked up a school board job for 8 weeks. I didn't expect putting my name in on a whim would change my life. Yet, in a matter of weeks (days really) I will be starting a new position in a new town, looking for a new house.

Nine years ago this job changed my life, I got my first place on my own, my first pet and true independence. Now it is time to do the same thing in a new place! Tomorrow if the place I see it a go, I will be at a new desk July 2nd & in a new home July 6th. It is all happening so fast I will not have time to get cold feet. I am SO looking forward to what the future holds.

Another Weekend, Another Lake

When I go to centre my soul xo

My backyard xo North Western Ontario

Come and get Your Love

Bush Bound

Heading out of town & out of service xo Hello Summer Sunshine!

I hope you fall in love with being alive again

These are those days. They are here. I am in love with life. Although that makes me so happy, it does make me sad that sometimes I do live in a way where love is no where to be found. But today is not that day, the coffee is magic, the music is magic, the skies and the smiles are magic. You know what they say, only those who believe in magic can see.

No man's a stone

A bit unassured
A bit insecure
I climbed up and I saw the world I lacked
And my fist stone cracked
Foundations collapsed
Standing on the ground
In stone I'd found

Let your walls come down...

I recently caught up with someone whom I was interested in previously. He was busy a lot and we drifted apart. When we started talking he told me about all my walls I have up and how he thought I would walk away at less than a moments notice.

I was shocked to hear that perception of myself, although through self reflections I believe I have begun to break those walls down, I was surprised at how apparent they were to others. Usually negative comments are not received well, but I could sense the truth, my truth.

I don't know which walls to break down first, or what the foundations for theses walls even are.. but if Rapunzel can break free, so can I.

Que Sera Sera

I mentioned earlier how Spring truly felt like a rebirth. As I reflect back I breath a sigh of relief. Someone so near and dear to me had a health scare, the kind where the C word was being thrown around. I didn't allow myself to even think about it, I did no research, refused to google anything or let my mind wander to the what ifs. When the good news finally came this week all those thoughts I blocked out came flooding back. I was so relieved, but finally realized how severe the outcome could have been. She is okay, she is going to be okay, we are so lucky.

In the midst of this, a little love in our life was hospitalized with a life time condition, we almost lost one of our beloved pups in a freak accident, and experienced some major trauma with a troubled loved one. I don't think I breathed properly for a month, un-tensed my muscles, or un-clenched my jaw or fists. When I got to the ocean I finally let go and cried, whatever will be will be.

As I said she is okay, our little love a managing, our pup is short a tail but back to her old self, and as for those who are troubled, you can't help them until they help them self. I can't carry the worry of everyone else on me. Reflecting back I can see why I felt the need to slip into a slump and stay there, but I am stronger than that now. This life is my life and it is what I make it. I am making it my own.

Soul Therapy

Back to our happy place we go, to soak up the sun, waves & good vibes. Cheers to summer 2019!

Feel & Heal

I think I have felt more in the past 8 months, than 8 years. Although it has been a lot, I would rather experience and process my emotions than just going through the motions of life. No one is harder on me than myself. I imagined a different life for myself by 32, but I need to look at where I am, how I got here and be proud.

Lately I have had a yearning for a partner, I have always enjoyed my lifestyle, yet in the big place I have now it feels a little empty. I want someone to lean on, rely on, take out the damn trash! I've been dating over the past year and although I am accustomed to it, it really is a strange time to be a single woman who just wants something normal. I have friends who found their significant others before the age of swiping right, so it does make for a few good stories.

I sometimes fear judging a book by it's cover and missing all the good stuff inside. When I think about what I thought about my life and how different it turned out, I think I need to do that with people too. If I just think about what I want on paper I may be closing some doors, who knows, I may find a gem going off script. So I am putting it in the universe, and myself out there, more open and taking more chances.

I have enjoyed being independent and self reliant, and I will always be proud I took care of myself for so long, but I am ready to take care of someone else too xo

Strong

Tired Tired

Time for a spring pick me up. The spring cold has hit, allergies have snuck in, and working extra 4 days a week after work has me dragging my ass. I am on my third cup of coffee after two people told me how tired I look today.... jerks. I could continue this way for the next few weeks and struggle to pull myself together, or be forgiving with gentle reminders.

I am working more, but being with children and out of the office truly makes me happy. I enjoy every minute worked. Girl Guides is making a difference in these girls lives, and I see the benefit it provides to them, even when I've spent an hour and a half wrangling 15 girls and not getting through half of what I planned for the night. Their smiles make me smile. Working extra has provided me more opportunities to travel, which gives me something to look forward to.

So yes I am tired, so I will learn to rest, and not to quit. I think rest makes me uneasy because it is the first stop on a slippery slope into a rut. So resting to rejuvenate is my goal. I am not tired just from being tired, I am exhausted because I get up every day and do what I love.

The Good Tired

There is times when my soul gets tired, thankfully I recognize that now and have learned how to nourish it. Then there is the good tired. The, I killed it at work, took care of myself, spent time with those I love, tired. I started a new job, an addition to my current position, that allows me to really expand my learning interests and spend time doing what I love. Sometimes the more work I have to balance, the more efficient I become. I miss the hustle of learning more while working and have been toying with the idea of some upgrading to add to my resume. I think this new position will give some insight and purpose to that idea. It feels good to be excited about my career, I am so blessed to do something I love that truly makes a difference. It takes a big heart to shape little minds, and I think my heart was built just for that. The child like wonder I get to experience through the lens of our daily work truly helps alleviate that tired soul syndrome I have, some days it is the best part of my day. Other days it inspires other aspects of my life and what I want to do with it. I've been working on replenishing myself in my free time, which has sparked a little creativity and inspiration. I am excited to continue to grow, rather than just exist. I can't always see what the over all purpose of all that I do, but I can't help but feel I am fulfilling it.

Spring has Sprung

Although I no longer choose to celebrate catholic traditions, this weekend really did feel like a rebirth. The sun stayed out, the snow has almost disappeared, and nature was calling my name. I sometimes wonder if a bear is my spirit animal, because a part of me really does rest during the darker months. I had a good winter this year, but it still doesn't compare to how I feel by the water in the sun. Since going to the Ocean for the first time two years ago, I have craved the salt and sun ever since (and am already planning another vacation for the year despite being home less than two weeks). Luckily North Western Ontario is abundant with Lakes and the summer sun is hot enough to warm my soul. The spring sun has me looking forward to the days ahead.