Happily Ever After

 2020, the year the world fell apart was the year my world came together. It was as if all roads travelled led here, and I feel I can rest. I feel safe, calm and content. The seeds sown over the years have bloomed and provided a good life, and it grows as does my belly! I haven`t had any concerns or anxieties about the next step, as if this is what I have always been waiting for, made for. I have visions of baby cheeks and wedding bells dancing in my head, and the sweet life that will follow. I thought we had it all these past few months holed up together with our fur babies, and now we have so much more to look forward to. Cheers to love, laughter & happily ever after xo

Miss to Mrs.

 

Oh Baby

 I don't even think I can count all the blessings that life has brought me over the past 18 months. Among those is life's biggest blessing, a baby! I cannot even express how this makes me feel as I still cannot fathom that the one thing I have always wanted is upon us. The news hit me hard like a brick, as I stared at the lines forming in front of me (all six times)!! For the first time I am almost at a loss for words, I cannot say how long I have dreamed of this, or can hardly imagine how much this little being will change our lives. The love I already feel is unbearable, for I am already a mother. Such a great joy to share with our families, especially after heart ache and grief. I see the love these people feel for what is growing inside of me, and after years of loving and taking care of children it is finally my turn. 

You are already so loved little one, and your Papi and I cannot wait to see what the coming months and years bring for us and our little family we are starting. Dreams do come true xo

Baby on Board!

 

The way that we Love in the Night gave me Life, Baby I can't Explain

May the Light Guide your Way

“A limb has fallen from our family tree,

That says not grieve for me,

Remember the best times, the laughter, the song,

The good life I lived when I was strong”.

May your soul finally find peace

May no family ever have to justify their reason to grieve. Lost souls still have many hearts who love them, that broke every time they lost their way and always hoped for a new day. Death is so final, with no chance of change.

May you always find compassion for others in life’s dark moments.

Give me Five More Minutes of Loving You xo

The nights never seem long enough, the morning comes too soon, but I am content knowing you are always under the same moon xo

Surprised in an Understatement

I Fell & I Landed Safely in your Heart

There is falling in love, and then there is love.

Falling in love is exciting, it is a whirlwind of feelings that leave you feeling dizzy. But when the earth starts to steady how do you feel? Were you just passing time, or settling? My advice is don't ever settle, I waited so long to share my whole heart with someone and when the dizziness wore off I was left feeling surreal, for everything I truly wanted and more I now have.

Falling in love was easy, but this unconditional love feels natural. When I think of everything that has taken place to lead us to where we are today, I am thankful for every moment, every wrong turn or failed love. I don't wonder what if, but see our future so clearly and know this was always meant to be. From morning coffee, to evening swims and everything else in between, my heart is so full and content. I can't wait to build our life together.

I forget the rest....

I pray about you, still

For my Lazaro xo I am so glad I listened to my heart and didn't settle before I met you, my life is better with you by my side.

It's just a bad day, not a bad life

Recently I was admiring how I have been managing COVID-19 and all the work that comes with it. As someone who has struggled in the past I have been insistent on ensuring I didn't fall down a slippery slope when it comes to my Mental Health. Some days it feels like everyone needs something from me and I don't have much more to give.

While I have been managing my anxiety some days I am merely putting it up with it others, not decompressing and relaxing. The stress I carry has shown up in some medical results lately which was an eye opener on just how much mental health impacts your physical health. I may have put some things off too long because of the worry COVID may be putting on the health system, but my health is important too if I am going to continue to manage and strive during this uncertain time.

I will take my full lunch break, I will mind my sleeping and eating habits, I will let my boyfriend love and appreciate me. I will make time for myself, for my relationship and my family, even if it is at a distance. There are things that are beyond my control and I need to accept that, my heart can break for those situations, but I cannot let my own heart break in the process for other people need me.

I had an awful day Monday, a day that felt like when my depression takes control. But it turned out to just be one day and on Tuesday I felt better, and today I am rocking it. I am so glad I have reached a point where I can say, it's just a bad day... not a bad life. It's not a bad life at all, and I will do what I can to keep it that way xo

Resiliant

Never have I been under more pressure, or felt more professional stress. Yet, never have I thrived so much in uncertain times. I have been blessed to continue to not only work, but provide an essential service to front line workers. We are stressed, concerned, sometimes scared, yet we are the sunshine and safe place for the children in our care. I am proud and humbled of our team during this time.

I am also proud and humbled by own resilience during this time, even when working from home. I woke up, made my bed, made up myself. During self-isolation my professional stress was used as an outlet, the house is spotless, meals cooked, yard maintained, houseplants thriving. I read every book in the house, caught up on the documentaries I've been saving. Never once have I wavered thinking I may slip into depression or lack motivation. Such a strange thing to strive in uncertain times but it keeps me sane.

The support I find at home is so comforting. During this time horrifying news was received and a car accident added extra stress and anxiety as the world began to shut down. I miss my family more than I can say and some times it feels like a video call is not enough. But I am not alone, and for the first time I do not want to be. Never has anyone loved me so unconditionally, praised and spoiled me, but I deserve it. To find and fall in love and so fully embrace all it's joy feels a little selfish during this time, but it is our time, and one day I will see how much he got me through everything.

I am not sure when my weaknesses faded away and my strengths started to shine through, but let the sun shine in xo

Lay your head on me, don't be afraid love

Moving on up

Good bye Sassy the Sonata & Hello Sandy the Santa Fe!

Having an accident and dealing with insurance and dealerships was not something I wanted to do during this time, but miraculously everything went smooth and without a hitch. Turns out dealerships were having great deals during this time & my upgrade was more than I could have imagined.

Lockdown Love

Love in the time of quarantine.

I know I gushed how I love having someone to share my space with, but we eased into with a week on week off work schedule. We are into one week home with three more to go, yet so far so good.

After a night of him helping a friend and driving 9 hours, I woke up to a full course breakfast and coffee waiting for me. After a long day of working at home and making things work, I was met with fresh cooked shrimp and a big glass of wine. He treats me like a queen and we eat like kings. Two humans and two dogs seem like a lot in the space that was just mine, but we make it work, and at the end of the day we are all curled together sleeping away.

I thought this self isolation time may end our honey moon phase, but I think we will come out closer. It give us time to really find the in and outs of each other, our quirks and habits, and forming new ones with each other. I already knew he was the one, the newness and excitement was so intense I could hardly breath. As time moves on I still know, as excitement turns into contentment and newness turns into every day life I can see our future together.

Finding this love has been well worth the wait, I knew my time would come and now that it is here I cannot help but soak up the moment, and maybe even brag a bit. xo

Lucky

I don't know how I got so lucky, or when we slipped into this easy groove of life together. Though it has been such a short time, I cannot imagine it any other way. I long for him to hold me, where others simply felt they were squeezing the life out of me. And boy let me tell you, he holds me, he holds me like tomorrow isn't promised, like I belong to him and no other. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in each other I cannot help but think of us a Celtic knot, ever intertwined. His laid back island attitude is the calm in my storm, his touch melts my tension and anxiety away. He takes care of me in a way I didn't know I needed, gourmet food, unconditional love, and tolerance and patience for my wild and crazy dog.

I have always cherished my own home, like a sacred space I didn't want penetrated by any other. But this house has become his and it feels a little empty when he is gone. I cherish our morning coffee together, and enjoy our home cooked meals together (especially during this crazy time). I respect the fact that after a hard day to tells me to have a bath with some wine while he cooks us steak. Like I said, I don't know how I got so lucky, but I am ever thankful I didn't settle, missing this would be my biggest regret.

You will find him next to me

Lost & Found

Someone said to me the other day, "Isn't it crazy how much life can change in a year?" Yes, yes it is. These past 8 months have brought so much my way, as if my good karma has kicked in ten-fold. If you would have told me a year ago I would have everything I did now, I would have doubted you. Everything I have, I have worked so hard for and it is as if suddenly the road ahead is smooth. I can see in the horizon what I have been waiting for. A house to call a home, a love that takes my breath away, a life full of blessings.

My soul and heart are awakened. There was a time when I wasn't sure if I could ever love like I did before I knew what hurt was. That starry eyed teenager that found meaning in every love song, wishes in the stars, a caring for someone that is more than myself. I may do what I want, but I want to do everything for this person. He moves me in a way I was not aware of, like a seed that had been dormant in the winter and is now blooming into something more beautiful than imagined.

I have never been more certain, though I haven't known him long, I know his heart. I have never been more sure of anything, which is something I would have previously always doubted. There is no convincing, or second guessing, just the knowledge that things are as they should be.

Ou la la la

Never have I ever

Never have I ever wanted someone to live with. My space has always been so sacred to me.

Never have I ever felt like grocery shopping or dinner was an intimate experience.

Never have I ever come home to a Man who cooked the meals for the day, after buying the groceries, washing the laundry and taking care of the dogs. (Never did I ever think I wanted two dogs!)

Never have I ever thought I could find someone I would want to share these experiences with, fall asleep with, wake up to, and everything else in between.

Never have I ever thought I could fall this fast, but I have no doubts. I am thankful for the walls I had up because I know now I wasn't ready for them to come down until now.

We may be fools rushing in, but the passion and love has taken charge and I've thrown to arms up to go with the flow. (Which never have I ever done)!

Never will I ever let this slide through my hands, I found the one xo

You are the place where all my thoughts go hiding

& for the first time she wasn't scared to let someone in.....

All the Small Things

Its the small things I didn't know I wanted. The morning texts, the constant compliments, someone who so plainly shows I am his when we are with others, that sexy Spanish accent... all those things that give you butterflies in the start.

I could start fires with what I feel for him, which in turn has reminded me how much I can feel, the love I am capable of giving. Not just giving, but receiving. Being single as long as I have I know about the walls I have up, but receiving love, knowing it is from him, feels more exciting than scary, more sure of what we have than wondering what it might become. It is like clarity, the dawn after the dark of night, a calm sense of knowing.

I am still finding all the small things I didn't know I wanted, and love each one more than the last. I am excited to discover what other small things will come to be.

Oh Shit

The timing is right for walking in the moonlight, I have suddenly found I am ready to settle down xo

When all the parts of the puzzle, start to feel like they fit xo

To say past experiences have jaded my once hopeless romantic attitude is an under statement. I used to believe that I would meet someone and I would just know, but as years passed I brushed it off as a silly notion. But perhaps it isn't. Something has stirred in me that I cannot shake off, it has all the energy of school girl excitement, yet an understanding that it is something real. Never have I not questioned the start of something new, doubted or worried. In the past I would have to convince myself someone was a good match for me, nothing felt sure, like waiting for the other shoe to drop. But here there are no shoes, it is barefoot and natural, it feels easy and right.

Suddenly it makes sense why no one else had worked out, no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly it doesn't matter who has broken my heart or left behind scars, it just beats so happily as if this is what it has been waiting for. If love at first sight isn't real, then love at first smile is. Love at first laugh, first kiss, first simple brush across your cheek. Love when you least expect it. When I think of all the big and small decisions that have led me here I can't help but think of fate, I finally found the inner happiness I have been longing for and outer happiness began to follow.

Embracing change and new challenges, saying yes when I would have said no, taking a chance even when it is scary...  I used to have the mindset of holding back in case I might get hurt, but at this point in time I feel like I cannot not go for it, regardless of how it will end. I have a gut feeling this is a chance I can not miss and faith that it will be worth it.

Holiday Hustle

This year I found myself working through the Holidays, which to my surprise I quite enjoyed. I made it home for the Holidays to visit, but was back at my desk and centres catching up and getting things done. I used to find such a long break during such a busy time of year is hard to come back from, but this year felt like a nice balance. I know in the future I will have time off to use and enjoy the holiday season a bit more, however in the past it was just a plain lay off from work which always made the New Year tight times. There is a little weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel sharp and ready to hit the ground running when we are back in full swing next week.

I see jokes and memes about 2019, and how it was the worst... how that couldn't be more different from my experience. For the first time I really feel like the New Year has many exciting opportunities, many of which are unknown. My day to day is still unknown compared to the daily, weekly, monthly routine I had been living. I surprise myself with the energy and interest to try new and different things, and develop new, healthy and productive habits. I don't think my passion for life was every fully snubbed out, but was a quiet, constant ember that needed to be fanned and nurtured into flames.

I've read every 7 years the cells in your body regenerate themselves, essentially making you a completely different person. Perhaps my 7 years bad luck has ended, I don't know where my cells are on that rotation, but something under the surface is stirring. May the results satisfy my anticipation.