Sunday Secrets

I couldn't resist this one!

Thanksgiving of my heart

When I think about where and who I have been spending my time with lately, it is easy to see who I have turned to in my time of need. Who I wanted there for me when I crawled out of the biggest hole I have dug myself thus far. And no matter how long it been or what has happened there were all those people standing up top, pulling me out and holding me near.

There were the ones who I knew would be there no matter what, the people who have shown me endless kindness throughout our friendships, and for those people I am eternally grateful. And then there were the ones who after all we have been through I was afraid to ask for help, afraid of you not being there when I needed you the most. But here you are, and no matter what has happened, what joy it brings me to know that you are here. All the times I have complained about you or resented you was because I missed you so dearly.

I have learned some people were sent to you to make your life easier, and some were sent to test you. But if we can take all we have been through and still be where we are today then we've made it. We are such apart of each others lives that one day we can look back and see what a journey it has been and know that we were there through the highs and the lows. It was also you who held my hand through most of my big losses, and now that you are here again when I just plain at a loss warms my heart, gives me hope that we really do love each other, like 3 year old best friends still unaware that the world isn't perfect, and neither are we.

There are few people who you can say you have known your entire lives, literally from day one, this is a gift. And how lucky I am for my gifts, because now I have these other people, these people who I feel I have known since day one. They are my people. They know my heart, my soul, my anxieties, it is plain to see that these people belong in my life, would have ended up there one way or another. If there are soul mates for best friends you ladies are it. 

And my family, my dear family. How grateful I am for all the understanding, for all the little things just to make my day, or to make sure I am happy. The annoying check ins and lectures all have love shining through them. This is such an awful thing, yet it seems to be this awful thing that we are all now going through together, and someone how it has brought us more closer together than ever. How lucky we are to have each other, to have all this love. I always knew I had a great family, and of course I have always loved them, but never more than now have I appreciated them. 

I still have bad days, some days I feel so tired and want my bed so bad that that is all I can do but give in, and days where I still have to get up and put on my make-up so no one will guess how down I really feel. But now there are these days where I can't wait to start the day. Can't wait to see the smiles I have waiting for me. Days of pure joy. I had the best time yesterday cooking while singing to the radio, was excited with all the snow, I can feel to joy of Christmas coming. Feeling anything but sad just makes me so happy. So with days like these and all the people I have, I am going to be ok. To be honest, I wasn't so sure for a while, I really felt like I was going to be sad forever. People say that no one will love if you don't love yourself first. But that can't be true, so many of you loved me no matter what. So thank-you for loving me, because I am starting to love every day, myself and get excited for the future. Having you in my life gave me that, and I am so grateful. 

We are all meant to Shine

I know posting photos is my thing, but sometimes you just come across something that touches on exactly what you are feeling, or reminds me of who I really want to be. This is so inspiring, I remember a time when I had such great expectations for myself. And why shouldn't I? I want great things, I want to love my life and find it fulfilling, not wasting time just passing time. I want to be fabulous, and am looking forward to it.

I choose Happiness

I always jump on these kicks of bettering myself, gearing all up and doing amazing for a while, and then settling back into my old ways. So here I am again starting from step one, trying to find my way. Not necessarily where I will end up, but just the way there. And I feel great, I feel amazing, it feels a hundred times better. I didn't realize how dull and dreary I felt until I started to feel that spark again. However, I don't want to get all excited and brag like I do, because I am afraid that spark will go out and I will be left feeling dull and sad again. But still I can't deny how great I feel right now. When I had my wisdom teeth pulled out, and it hurt to move anything, including smiling, it was then I realized how much more I have been smiling. And even though it pained me to do so every time, I didn't mind because it made me aware of how happy I feel, and what a relief it is to feel that. The tears I was crying and didn't know why are now the laughs and the smiles and love I have from everyone in my life. Not feeling anything for a long time sure makes you savour the moment when you get the chance again. So I don't have any big goals or challenges for myself other than just enjoyment, enjoying the moments, the days, and finding more smiles.

A picture, just for my friends :p

My People

Things are looking up, just a little bit. I can't believe how relieved I feel. How much more invovled I feel in everyday activities, I no longer feel like the days and seasons are just passing me by. Getting out of bed isn't as hard, and I find myself looking forward to and being excited about things instead of just getting by. I am so thankful for the people I have, the people I can talk to about anything and everything. The people that bring such joy to my life, even when I wasn't so joyful. I am so looking forward to wearing a smile more, and laughing with all of these people. How silly I was to think I would feel embarassed or ashamed, and how lucky I am for my people. 

No one ever said it would be this hard

This one goes out to the ones I love

Kelly Rae Roberts Art :)

I just wanna be Ok

Affirmations

Find something every day that makes you smile :)

Exactly

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are

How easy it is to avoid the truth. By not writing, I can stop the truth from flowing. Because I know once I get started I would not be able to stop or avoid the truth. Instead I choose to wallow in it. I run on a scale of doing amazing, or simply not. I search for that balance time and time again and still seem unable to find it. I was a little surprised to find this low phase facing me in the summertime, for it is the winter blues that I always expect. But there it was, I felt it coming, and let it take over. I suppose I pride myself on doing what NEEDS to get done, and somehow forget that taking care of me is important too. I deserve to feel happy and to feel that my life has purpose. Sometime I see an older person and suddenly I cannot breath thinking that I could get to that stage and life and still feel like I do, like I have not lived. I still feel like I am only going through the motions, putting on a happy face when people expect it and than going home and putting on sweatpants. 

I need to step out of my comfort zone, experience new things. I also know that I need some help feeling better, and deciding how to go about that is the struggle, a struggle I am afraid of loosing myself too, my emotions and my thoughts. But it has to be better than feeling the way I have right? Better than feeling blah all the time and like Garbage's song, "I'm only happy when it rains". But these blue feelings are my own, and I do own them, I suppose I am just afraid what getting help might really mean. And sometimes I feel I really am afraid to go after my own dreams because I simply might fail. "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - E.E. Cummings. Sometimes I do feel like I am just a coward, and a broken record, because nothing is going to change until I change it, and I am such a procrastinator. I still don't even feel ready to vow to make a change, only to admit that one needs to happen. 

More Hopeless than Romantic

Not sweating the small stuff

In the long run, isn't it all just small stuff. I remember in high school, or even growing up, whenever I would get really upset about something (which !surprise! was a lot) my mom would always tell me, "Tatum, this is such a small part of your life". Of course I never believed her, and was sure my world was crashing around me. But, as you grow and learn things, I found one of them is that your Mother is always right. She really is so wise is her no-nonense kind of way.
So this past week and a half, I wallowed, I was sad, like the melodramic person I am. And there a few instances where I felt like I wanted to be petty, pull the hell hath no fury like a woman scorned kinda deal. But I took a deep breath, I gardened, I ran, I had wine with my mama. One night while taking pictures by the river I thought, "Why do I even care?".  And then I felt relived. I was suprised initially at how painful something like this was, I think I forgot, even though it feels like that is what I am always trying to make sure doesn't happen. But then I was surprised at how easy it was to let go. Feeling it slip away was a relief. "You have five minutes to wallow in the delcious misery. Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it. And proceed."
I may feel a little foolish for asking what I wanted and it not happening, but then I feel proud of myself for taking that leap in the first place. I knew it most likely wouldn't happen, but I tried, I went after what I wanted and I lost. It's time to learn to lose gracefully. I think I finally am finding my grace, hopefully this is something I can acquire, I think my mom would be very happy.
And after this I can't forget what I am really after, being the best me that I can.

At one point it was exactly what I wanted

I think it is safe to say I may have made a lifestyle change, I don't want to jinx it yet, but even when I have steered off track I seem to get right back on. Hopefully I can keep that up. I still need to get my butt in gear learning the guitar, but everytime I hear a really good song I think about learning it, so that is a good sign.

Now, as for matters of the heart, I know what I wanted before Christmas. I wanted to slow down a bit and meet someone nice, someone you can hang out with on Tuesday, or Sunday. Someone you actually do things with. Then Christmas came, and as hard as I try I can't kick my bad habits. "I can resist anything but temptation" -Oscar Wilde. 

But I broke all the rules and let someone in. I thought I could just keep doing it and not be bothered.. how silly to think I could control my feelings, fuck. But then I got brave and decided better to live like a lion for a short while, then every day as a lamb, right? Confessions of the hopeless romantic happened in real life. Double Fuck. I am so bad at this shit. I think this is the first time in at least 4 years I seriously felt anything, and I think I knew all along it could never be anything, maybe I thought the chances of getting disappointed were less likely that way. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.I think it is safe to say that I can start to move on now though, maybe start looking for what I decided I wanted six months ago, not the "kinda lovin' that makes you want to pull down the shades." - Aerosmith 

I plan on being a total girl about this for about two days, I am going to cry, drink wine, listens to sad songs and watch chickflicks. Then I am going to get back on track. I feel like I am handling this well, as long as I stay away from the whiskey it should stay that way :) 

The Dance

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when
you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that
help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently
loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make
my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have
too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.

© Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from the book The Dance, HarperONE, SanFrancisco, 2001

I was just reading back on my goals, and I find thise picture today which was what I titled my original post about resolutions! So cheers to keeping resolutions alive. Cheers to the best rest of my life.

I think I can, I think I can

 If anyone is reading this for the romance portion, sorry, just ain't happening right now. However I am doing it! I am sticking to my goals, this is it. Time to take control of everything that belongs to me and take care of it. Lifestyle changes. God willing I can keep it up now! Wish me luck :)

Friend

How lucky it is to have people in your life who will be there for you no matter what. Even when you don't want anyone around, you know you can reach out and there they are. People whose smiles just warm your heart and you are genuinely glad to have them in your life, and your life is better because you let people like that into your heart. And how lucky it is to have many people like this, many people you love. All from different points in your life and in different parts of your hearts. Each one of them being there for you when they were who you needed to most at that time. Those who have dried my tears, played me a song, poured me a drink, made me a picture, listened to the endless rants of working through my own mind, and so much more. I am who I am because of the people in my life, and life sure is good.

Motivation, Inspiration

Well I think I have covered getting back into taking photos. I took these ones so I could also find some affirmations. One that are stuck up all over the place to make sure how I am reminded of how important making positive life changes are. To inspire me to be better than the person I was yesterday!

Here Comes the Sun

The north wind still might be cold, but the Sun just makes everything brighter :) Including my smile.. I missed it!

Sunday Secrets

More Steps :)

Taking the first step in learning.. obtaining a guitar :)

My goodness, turning over a new leaf is hard work! I now can see a reason why I have made so many bad choices ruled by bad taste. Bad is easy, sticking to your guns, that is hard work. Everything that is worth it is hard, and sometimes life is just hard. Coming to terms with that instead of fighting it might make it a little less exhausting, and in a way a little easier. You just need to learn to channel your energy towards rolling with the punches.
Don't settle for the easy and the bad. Save yourself the hangover of regret, the realization that you have been stupid once again and it wasn't any different than before. Sure not giving into to what you want feels like it really sucks, but staying true to what you want has gotta feel better in the end. By taking a step back, and asking yourself what you really want out of something, you may see that the situation is  not really offering you that. Even though you feel strongly like this is something you want. I deserve better than just settling. Saying no to situations like that is showing that I am better and want better. If I keep that in mind I think "better" just might find me. Baby steps in a the right direction is better than standing still.

Life is a journey, not a destination

Betty Boop knew what was up

Making healthy habits

Cheers to keeping the new years resoltions alive :) Ready for the week!!

RED

Right after that post I got inspired with my camera. There is a local facebook group called: Community Click It, and this months theme was "RED". So cheers to getting inspired.. what a good feeling! I need to make sure I can experience this as much as possible!

Update

My resolutions have been going so-so. I've been doing the healthy thing and have seen some good results. Now it is time to take the next step, find the physical activity I really like doing. I have taken some initiative and picked up a couple dance videos. So this is going good, I just need to remember, the difference between try and triumph is a little ommf!  I am also doing really well in school, which I think is one of the most important things.

As for guitar I have watched some tutorials and thought about what songs I would like to learn, I just have yet to pick one up, this area needs the most works. As for photography, besides nights out my camera has not seen much action, so there is something I need to get moving on.

Be strong. I think this is going well, although sometimes life throws you things and being strong is exhausting. I am doing good on the outside, at work and at school, now I just need to make the times in between a bit more enjoyable, perhaps with guitar and photography. The sunshine has been helping lately, but we have also been thrown a couple harsh blows these last couple weeks. I just need to remember not to let the blows set me back and put up a road block on the road I am travelling.

I feel like the winter blues have gone into full effect, but I also think I was expecting it. As I grow older I can see the pattern of it, predict it like the weather, and like the weather I can never seem to control it. But I hear myself reassuring myself.. this always happens, you are going to be fine, wait until the spring. I think having these goals and reminding myself of what I want is a good distraction from the blues. I want that distraction, I want to do these things to make me the person who is always smiling and always wanting more from life.

Not so hopeless, not so romantic

I was searching for some new backgrounds to spice up the blog a little and I came across this one called "Hopeless Romantic". Although it is cute, I have chosen something a little more me :) I found while looking that even just looking at pretty things for a while can sure make you smile! I think a good challenge is finding something to smile about at least once a day! 

Ps, I use www.shabbyblogs.com for my backgroups, they are great!

2013 - I am going to make the rest of my life the best of my life

So as I have mentioned, I have been thinking long and hard about where I want to make changes in my life. I want all of these changes to help build a better, happier me. So here we go,

1. Be Healthy - No diets, fads, or tricks. I mean hard work and eating right, making time to take care of my body, which houses everything important I need. I want the drive to turn myself someone I am happy to be.

2. Learn Guitar - This is something I have always wanted to do, and I am not getting any younger. I am writing this now simply so I will do it, time to make daydreams come true. - I also would like to improve my rusty singing voice.

3. Do good in school - This speaks for itself, but doing good and keeping at it is a big thing for me, I've seen myself do it for the past six months, I want to keep that motivation going, but still find balance in other parts of my life

4. Photography - I want to make more time to pursue this hobby, and learn new skills

5. Be Strong - I have seen myself come so far, and maybe even learning some lessons. But I have also witnessed myself completely ignoring things I have already learned.

I think it's time to pull up my socks, this is real life now. I feel like I have been practicing for years and lately like shit just got real. I want to be good at this thing called life. I want to look back and think, wow, what a wild ride.

I have this itch, I have had it before, and when I did I moved, or made big life decisions I had no business making. I've been doing good where I am for about 2 1/2 years, I want to take the "itch" and channel it into making this life as good as it can be. Maybe saving some money and going somewhere ( Kayeleigh ;) ) would help satisfy it a little. All I know is I want to make sure I am living, not just being.

Live Inspired - 2013

Some dreams keep on better, gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure ♫

I don't know if everyone know this, but I love country. This song is how I feel working on all the things I mentioned in my last post. And I have been working on it. Just saying it and putting my mind to it feels so good, I am excited to get things going.
I've been thinking about resolutions, and I never really make them, but this year I am. And I am making lots. I wanted to get them right, make sure they are things I really want and can do. I am writing this now so I ensure that I will in fact do it, I have do now, I just said I would. And I will have to achieve my goals once I admit to them and post them for anyone to see. I think that motivation there is enough to get me started. It will be interesting to find where the rest will come from. That is what I want to do this year. Look for motivation and inspiration all around me. Maybe that will be a theme this year. Enough with the romance ;)



"Even If It Breaks Your Heart"

Way back on the radio dial,
The fire got lit inside a bright-eyed child.
Every note just wrapped around his soul,
From steel guitars to Memphis, all the way to rock and roll.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Downtown is where I used to wander.
Old enough to get there but too young to get inside.
So I would stand out on the sidewalk,
Listen to the music playin' every Friday night.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."

Some dreams stay with you forever,
Drag you around but bring you back to where you were.
Some dreams keep on gettin' better,
Gotta keep believin' if you wanna know for sure.

Ohhh, I can hear 'em playin'.
I can hear the ringin' of a beat up ol' guitar.
Ohhh, I can hear 'em singin',
"Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart."
[x2]

Keep on dreamin', even if it breaks your heart.

Keep on dreamin' 

Don't let it break your heart.

Sunday Secrets

Sabatoge

As I read back, I can plainly see what it is I want. I have thought it, wrote it, talked about it. But I sure as hell can't walk the walk. And I always have excuses and reasons, but all I really have is fear. I think I am afraid of being completely happy. Isn't that crazy? I was thinking yesterday, and I felt sad, and then I thought that sad was interesting. Sure some of the most moving pieces of art made by man were created out of pain and sadness. But I am no artist, and I have no reason to be sad, or sad and interesting.
And all the things I say I want in love, I've never actually acted that way in my adult life. I think I am ready for love and to be happy, but I can't even take a first step. I make jokes about not cuddling, or not caring, but it's really not that funny. And who would want to be with someone who is always pushing people away, or at least not letting them near what is actually important. What I really have to offer. I think I really am afraid of having my heart broken. I don't think I am brave enough or strong enough to really want it.
When I think back at all the chances I had, in everything I shake my head and feel ashamed. When I take away my excuses, and stories, and "adventures", I am really just a coward who never committed or finished anything. I take the easy road every time.
Every time the road has gotten rough I just turned about and kept on smooth sailing, kept being a coward. I kept making new dreams for the ones I kept giving up on. I feel like I've really given up on me. I'm not the daring, exciting person I thought I would end up as. But I want to be. I want to be so bad it hurts. I miss the dreams I had for myself. Life keeps passing by and I feel like I am a treadmill in a movie scene where the world keeps floating by but you are really in the same place.
I feel like this is the most honest I have ever been about myself, I feel like I am insulting myself. And it pisses me off, and it makes me so sad. But it's true. And I want to be better. Every day I want to be better than the day before. And eventually I want to be the person that I am proud of. I had big dreams for myself once, I deserve them.