A few of my favorite things ♥

My Grown Up Christmas List

When did this become me?

http://www.upworthy.com/a-mother-doesnt-understand-why-her-daughters-depressed-her-daughter-clears-that-up-for-her?c=ufb1#

So shake it out

I met this woman a couple weeks ago at a conference. And she was a woman in her 60's, from a small town whose second language was English. One day, after her grand daughter was born she decieded to move from where she had lived all her life to a different city to be closer. She had never driven, only ever worked at a bank and lived alone. She said "all of a sudden it was like I came alive and bloomed, I learned how to drive, got a new job and even started dressing different. I have never been happier in my whole life." Here is someone who was set in her ways, did the same thing she had always done every day of her life, and then she got up and decided to change it. I was in awe, really inspired and really very proud of this woman.

I realize it really is time to let go of the things holding me in this stage, and to be honest its not much. Slowly bit by bit I am pulling up my roots, and I'm not as scared as I use to be, it doesn't feel like a distant daydream anymore. I can't wait for my life to begin, I have to make it happen, or at least make an effort. It's funny the little things you come across that serve like a wake up call, the signs you see when you were not really looking. Leaving things behind is easier than I thought, time to shake it all out and clean house. I'm not looking to burn any bridges, just pave the way.

It's a funny feeling, as things keep slipping away they are easier and easier to let go of. They say sometimes walking away is harder than holding on, but it doesn't even feel like that. Letting go feel relieving, my fists have literally been clenched for so long and and my hands are sore and tired. All the weight I have been carrying around has all lumped together and I don't know how I feel about what anymore. Except the sadness, that seems to be a constant hum in the background. But I decided to do something about it, and even that makes it feel a bit lighter.

But it makes me wonder why I hold onto some of the things I do, I seem to be at a tug-of-war with myself. For the most part I seem to think I love myself, even though anxiety and emotion seem to have such a sway over me some days, I have accepted that it is a part of who I am. And even when my days seem really dark, I always know it will get better, even when sometimes it takes longer than the last time.

I always assumed at the end of the journey, or somewhere along the way I would have all the things in life that I want. I know in the back of my mind what I want, and what I expect for and from myself. Yet some of the things I am holding onto are not what I want, and not what I deserve. Even worse, sometimes I think I do deserve those things. I accept less than I am worth, I sometimes don't give it my all, or take things as they come. I feel meek and a little sorry for myself, like I'm choking down a meal I didn't order but I don't want to  inconvience anyone else.

I used to be so strong, so sure and confident. Sometime I can't believe that person was me, sometimes I want to be her so bad again I resent this adult who feels so sad all the time. I've tried to take giant leaps, and baby steps, but it still feels so far away. I guess feeling a little lighter is another step, I suppose I just need to keep walking away and letting go of things that don't serve that goal, and towards the ideals I had before I was so jaded.

Highway of Heroes

Lest We Forget

Are you strong enough to be my man ♫

Probably Not.

This ain't love it's clear to see, but darling stay with me

And I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

It's always darkest before the dawn

I get by with a little help from my friends

What can you do with a sentimental heart?

anger

I remember studying the five stages of greif, memorizing them for a test, applying them to fictitional senarios. But when you are the one experiencing it you don't always realize you are moving through the stages. You really don't think about it at all, you are just trying to get by. But here I am, and I have stumbled onto anger. A really hateful anger, despairing anger. It's overwhelming, and it brings me to tears and I am so fucking mad. I just shake and sob and feel outraged. I feel robbed, and wronged and so sorry for myself. I feel ashamed of how angry I am and don't want to see anyone and that makes me feel guilty. I would rather just sleep and pretend things are not so bad, but sometimes I climb into bed and then just feel so alone, and I am angry everyone else has someone to share their grief with and mine just feels so heavy like it is going to crush me so I just sit awake and cry. This doesn't feel fair and it pisses me off, I am angry and just want to avoid everything, and I think I will.

The Mean Reds (1961)

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Paul Varjak: Sure.

Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!

Free Fallin'

If you don't bust out every time you hear this song you are lying

Just when you think you've got me, figure out the seasons already changing ♫

Decorate your own soul §

Fall in Love Every Night

Feeling Hopeful today :)

I wanna to see you dance again on this Harvest Moon ♪

I miss you so much it hurts today. The funeral comes and goes, the flowers are delivered and die, people comfort you, and then the world keeps turning. The hole I have burried myself into isn't stopping that, the world is going on and I am stopped dead in my tracks by a fleeting memory I didn't even know I had. Or the other day one of my favorite beatles songs came on ♫ Will you still need me, will you still feed me.. what I'm 64 ♪ The fact that you will never be 64 breaks my heart. I can't stand to go to your house and see your empty chair, it's too quiet without your seedy jokes. I didn't think it hit me that bad, I thought I had made it through ok, but I was just numb and when the sadness strikes I feel like it's ripping me in half. Loosing you has changed me, but they again you have always changed me. I have your humour and your strength, your kind heart and smile, I have so much of you in me that I know you always be a part of me, I suppose right now that doesn't seem like enough. I don't want a part of you, I want all of you. I want you at my wedding and I want you to hold my babies, and I want you across the living room from me as we watch law and order. I wonder when the tears will end, I made it a few days without any but then I started crying in my sleep, I ache for you even in my dreams.
I really miss you today.

Let your walls fall down

Fast & Hard

I fall so fast
And love so hard
Tears escape
Like memories from my heart

The thrill of skin
My head under your chin
Just this once
I wanted to win

Though I fall so fast
And love so hard
I still would not change
This delicate heart

Never afraid to start again
Find another who fits my hand
Love and sweetness is what I crave
And I will love once more when I can

And I will fall fast
And I will fall hard
No need to worry
Someone will catch this delicate heart

Cheers to the second time around

Sunday Secrets

Now comes the hard part.. time to get back to real life

Sigh

Dream a Little Dream of Me

Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet, Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are

What a beautiful Mess I'm in

For Ruthless

The Sweetest old Bitch I have ever loved <3 p="">

Come on & cry cry baby

Ben Harper - Waiting for you

Sometimes when the big things happen it makes you realize all the other stuff really isn't that important. I think  I finally am pretty good at fnding the lessons by now. "Don't be sad because it is over, smile because it happened." You think it would be hard to miss something that you never quite had, but really it's the idea of what I was hoping for that I am missing. I think I felt myself rely on someone else a little for the first time, felt comforted with the idea of letting someone in. And maybe that is the lesson there, that I can let someone in, there is no longer a need for the walls I had built in the past. I no longer want meaningless encounters, or fear letting someone in. I learned that I can be feminine and soft and somewhat sweet. I remembered how good I am at caring for others, the joy of doing things to bring a smile to someone, simply caring for another person as more than a friend. It had been so long and I forgot how good it really feels. Maybe it was only meant to be short lived because beyond that I wouldn't be moving on with fond feelings. But I can, and be grateful and graceful while doing it, I hope :p I let myself get lost for a while, but I think I found parts of me I was looking for, parts that I had lost to being cynical, jaded or to self doubt. When someone goes, no matter how they leave I want them to remember the best parts of me. "Leave people better than you found them." I think I am taking what I have been given and leaving better, and I hope those I around me feel the same way.

Summertime Sadness

Today I am extra sad. Today I really miss you. It's funny, I could go for weeks before without saying anything and now I want to talk to you everyday. I want to share little things that will make you smile. I miss your smile, and your lips, your hair and how you smell like incence. I miss staying up all night and drinking tea with you. I was just starting to notice all the little things about you I loved and now it's all I am able to think about. It's fun to fall when it's new and exciting, but to keep falling when someone else has already checked out just feels sad. I remember all I wanted for so long was just to be held, if I would have known how fast my heart would race, or how it would take me a second to catch my breath I probably would have thought twice. Maybe ignorance is bliss because now my arms feel empty and I feel lonely. I wish I could have quieted my mind and shut my mouth and just enjoyed what I had, but I feel like once the words are out there is no going back. If I hadn't wanted too much then I would have more right now.. go figure.

Chantal Kreviazuk - Flying Home

Love me some Chantal

Chantal Kreviazuk- "Ghosts of You" (Live)

It's a damn shame

Days like this

Is it jaded or pessimistic of me to expect the worst all the time? I seem to thrive in times of sadness because by now I am so used to being in that state, or ending up there. It must be easier to let go or move on when you are doing so because you want to, because you are angry. But when there are no bad feelings its almost like a phantam limb sydrome, they still cross your mind and you smile, you want to reach out and share something before you remember that is not an option anymore. How this can apply to so many different situations. How often we feel we have no choice in the matter. You can choose happiness all you want, choose to take a chance, lay it on the line, but life happens and you are left with what you are dealt. I think I will be shocked the day things do work out. When everything that seems too good to be true isn't ripped away, when your heart doesn't weigh so heavy it pulls your smile into a frown. Loosing a new friend hurts, loosing a best friend feels tragic and gut wrenching. Everything feels so mixed up I have such a hard time finding words, mostly I find tears and sleep.. where everything doesn't seem so bad. How terrified I am for when that wake up call comes, I can almost hear it ticking like a count down, or it is just the own panic of my heart I also seem to have no control over. How sad I feel to have lost some of the comfort I thought I had found, and how disappointed I feel in myself for trusting that happiness. I don't regret anything, but letting yourself believe doesn't always end the way you thought it would. I am not sure if I believe in miracles or wishes anymore and I am sad I am loosing part of myself to a more cynical adult. Days like this makes finding happiness a hit or miss.

Give me one reason

Tom Petty - It'll All Work Out

"Still I think of you when the Sun goes down, never goes away, but it all works out" ♫

I am going to be a complete girls for a couple days and pout... but only for a few

Dammit baby Dammit ♫

All this effort and energy I've been putting into being happy really does feel like it is paying off. I feel so rich with blessings in my life, or I am simply taking the time to appreciate what has always been there. Of course life happens and I can feel sadness rising to the surface, and I am hoping that I can hold onto that inspiration and stay happy rather than let myself sink into darkness. I am afraid and I break down, but I can still manage to get out in the sun and smell the flowers, even if that is the only thing I do that day. However there is still the looming possibility of earth shattering heartbreak, and with a track record like mine I am praying I can hold onto that happiness. I am hoping I can plant my feet and hang on and somehow come out ok. Even thinking about what is to come my hands shake and tears fall, but it's coming and I cannot pretend it isn't anymore. I know I am going to break, I just hope it isn't too hard to put the pieces back together.

If I didn't know better, but dammit I do

It's funny, when it comes to things like riding a bike it's like no time has passed. But I don't think I will ever get uesd to being taken aback when someone moves me. Even if it happened all the time, which it doesn't, because I have taken, maybe not so careful but perhaps reckless, steps to ensure I was never caught off gaurd. Stayed away from the edge to ensure I would never fall. After all, if someone can take your breath away by making you happy, what would happen when they made you sad. The problem with falling is it always happens so fast. Hopefully I can take everything I learned along the reckless path to pave a smoother one. I don't know if "hot headed" is the right word but I have always seemed to be a act first, think later type of person. Although few and far between I have been known to explode in anger, break down in tears, and not only fall but jump in head first. So now maybe I think I can dig my heels in a bit, cool my jets. Take in that initial reaction to things and let it simmer. Apparently those thoughts once I have cooled are much more rational and sensible. Although a part of me just want to let an explosion emplode and see what happnes, most of me knows better.

Embracing the weather

When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this ♫

When it's not always raining there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this 
When you don't need to worry there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this 

When you don't need an answer there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they f it
Then I must remember there'll be days like this 

When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you want to live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this 

When no one steps on my dreams there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this 

Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this
Oh my mama told me
There'll be days like this

Happy Days

100 days of Happiness complete! I'll admit, there were days were I still felt downright nasty, a little blue, but I could still manage to find something to make me smile. Whether it be a treat, a goal, some inspiration to get me though, or even enjoying the down and alone time when I feel I need it.

Even though I didn't feel happy every day I started to really feel thankful. Thankful for the people I have in my life, so many great people. I am thankful I am making being happy a priority and realizing that down time and me time was essential to that. I am thankful I am slowly learning balance, and so thankful that I'm content with the person I am becoming. I am determined to keep this smile on face, and when I look at the day to day I don't see the change but when I look back I realize that it really does take less effort lately to smile, and some days none at all. And I am especially thankful for moments that I can't keep a smile off my face, although I may need to work on enjoying those moments and not worrying about the next. But everything with time. I am even thankful for some of the not so great feelings sometimes, as these feelings are a result of getting out there of taking chances, rather than just feeling blue because life is passing me by. I even feel like for once I can say I know where I am heading for sure in the next couple years... career wise anyways haha! See! Balance! Enjoying the moment and not worrying about the next in everyday life but still heading where I need to go, fingers crossed for smooth sailing,

I think another 100 days will do me well, onto the next 100 Days!

Check out my 100 Happy Days here:
http://www.photosnack.com/9775995C5A8/pt9q1li5

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Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros - Home [Official Video]

This song has been on replay for about two weeks.. still can't get enough! Thanks Katie ;)

A beautiful place

And so it is

You know I didn't want too much. Just longed to be held once a while, smile more, have someone I enjoy talking to. And everyone always tells you it will happen when you least expect it, which I personally thought was bullshit, but there he was one hungover morning over coffee, and here I am smiling, holding on to every word and being held (kinda a big deal for me). Just what I wanted, right? Then my mind starts racing and my belly starts doing flip flops and I thought now what? For a moment I felt completely overwhelmed, and then the next moment my mind cleared and I thought, Who cares? It's a beautiful day with beautiful people, don't worry.. be happy ;) I managed to hold onto to those runaway thoughts and slow them down and enjoy the moment. Enjoy what I have while I have it, and if at some point I don't anymore then worry about it then.

I read somewhere that worry is a waste of imagination, and how true that is. Instead of thinking, What is the worst that can happen? I want to think, What is the best that can happen? I don't want to count, because I am afraid to jinx myself, but I feel I have been happy for more days in a row than I have in a long time. Without having to look for a reason I just am. But if in the days ahead I have to, I will look for a reason. Unlike the racing "what if" thoughts, happiness is something to hold onto. Seems some life lessons are finally sinking in.. Growing up? Nah, not yet.

Inspiration

Day 63 - I am happy I seemed to have found some inspiration!

Wildflowers ♥ Tom Petty

Love this song so much <3 Could not resist!

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

One thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm is all about.

Audrey Hepburn

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone. 

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed, and redeemed, and redeemed . . . Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others. …

Your good old days are still ahead of you. May you have many of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uirBWk-qd9A&feature=share&hd=1

Sunday Secrets

Balance

It is not very often that the mood strikes me to write anymore. I remember flying through pages of journals, like the words use to flow out of me, and now I can barely drag my fingers across the keyboard to fill up a paragraph. In seeking out balance I feel I am a 5 year old on a teeter-totter, pushing off the ground so hard one moment and crashing back down the next. Unable to muster up the patience to balance mid-air, unable to stop and enjoy the moment. In seeking out feeling grounded everyday I fear I have sacrificed my everyday emotions, or instead of constant worry and melancholy I really end up giving no fucks at all. I feel I am always looking for some balance one way or any another. But I miss the days when the words filled up pages simply because something had made me smile that day, and the poems on poems, written in purple pen or stained with tears, because something had moved me to feel that way. They say it is a blessing and curse to feel so much, and sometimes I debate whether feeling grounded is more of a curse than a blessing versus feeling so much.

Change

It's about that time of year, when the sun comes out and I feel more alive. And I realized it is this time that I try to make this big transformations and dramatically change my life. It has taken me a while to realize that I just have to be better than the person I was yesterday. I still feel like I am seeking out just my own slice of happiness and I am slowly getting there, somedays I feel like I am crawling and others a nice brisk pace, but I think what I need to remember the most is not to rush. I'll get there when I get there and sometimes the journey is half the fun. For a long time I just wanted to feel like myself, whatever version I am growing into, and the second I thought I was happy again I started looking for love right away. Although it is something I desperately want, regaurdless of my actions, I think I need to be happy just to be happy. And once again it is all about balance, I'm not about to sit back and wait for life to happen anymore for I am afraid it will just pass me by, but I need to remember everything in it's own time. There is a time for every season under the sun.

Day 12

I am thankful and Happy for the people who love me whether I am feeling like Pooh Bear, Tigger or Eeyore <3 p="">

Oh Happy Day :D

Follow my 100 Happy Days :)
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When did you stop dancing?

I find myself unable to sit down at the keyboard when I'm not quite sure where I'm at. I have begun to take steps to ensure that I am happy, in love with the life I am living. When there is a lull, rather than admit it, I wait until it passes and smile extra big when is finally has. But someone asked me the other day, well what is your long-term plan for overcoming your depression? That is when I realized I need to not embrace the lull's but push through them. And day by day I seem to care a little more about what is in store for me, I feel like I need to start chasing my future a little more instead of waiting for it to arrive. I have a little more hop in the step again, and I find myself singing throughout the day, I didn't even realize how quiet I had become until I heard myself again. I was happy at first with feeling better a few days a week because at the time it was better than none and got comfortable. But now it is not enough, I want to happy days every day. I am going to the 100 Happy Days challenge, #100HappyDays. I am making a commitment to myself to be happy, to make an effort to be happy, and just be happy because I deserve to be. I want to be fierce and passionate and excited about life, I don't want to disappoint childhood me, or create a bitter, cynical future me.