Nobody said it was Easy

As I journey through this adventure called life, I find it sure is not what I had expected. Nothing is perfect and no one can fix you. Love can't fix me, a new job, a new place, new people, will never fix me. This sadness buried inside of me is my burden to carry with me. Having most of what you wanted in life finally in reach and still having this lingering sadness had taught me what I always expected. I will always have to fight it. Fight to get out of bed and on with my life. I will try my hardest not to let it define me and to let my love and smile shine through. It won't be everyday or all the time, but when days come along when I am completely at bliss I will cherish them and save those memories for days when my smile is pulled into a frown and waking up is all I can manage to do. And when those days of bliss do not come along then I will savor the small moments when I can and roll with the punches when I have to. What else can you do?

I may have not learned how to lean into you quite yet, yet I somehow know you are there to hold me up. I may not have learned yet to trust the strength I have behind me but can feel it in all that you do, especially in the way you care. I seem to be learning to trust that with you there I will not fall, I will not have to pick up the pieces again. You hold me there in limbo until I am able to regain my footing and continue on my path. I am not finding myself wondering why you care, just believing that you do. Although I am not quite there yet, your love and patience has reassured me I will get there. You let my find my own way in my own time, adjusting to the flow at which I am discovering myself, myself with someone else.I am learning to forget my loneliness, the constant longing that seemed to tug at me before has been fulfilled. I no longer wonder what it feels like to be held when I need it, I just know the feel of you and our embrace. I know the feeling of love, in many different forms, but nothing surprises or pleases me more than our love, and I am excited to see how that will grow. So here is to growing, learning, loving and where ever that brings me to.

Month 9

I haven't forgot about my resolutions!! 8/10 the last few months!

Although I have not said it out loud, it`s been in the back of my mind for a while. I think I have been afraid to utter the words because if I say it out loud or admit it because I just may loose it. To admit that I seem to have found what I have been looking for, I seem to be happy. Could it be after enduring loneliness, sadness, and after having fought so hard to love myself that I am finally granted peace. Finally at the end of arm is another, and with that connection so much more of me had come to light. Of course that is not the only reason I feel so content, it seems after admitting I was half-assing my way through life, not really living to my full potential and deciding I wanted to change that, that I was able to move forward. Taking the steps I needed, when I could, big or small has brought those things I wanted closer. 

I honour every part of my journey that has brought me this place. I know I have not arrived at my final destination, but for the first time I can see in the distance what may be. I feel my free spirit begin to settle, I am able to move beyond the past and the present, and the near future looks good. 

Love at Third Sight

You did not have me at hello,

It was not love at first glance,

You move me at a deeper level,

I am so glad I took a chance.

You awaken my forgotten dreams,

And remind me of my best parts,

Near or far I am loving you,

And I know I am in your heart.

This love started like a whisper in my ear,

And quickly grew into a roaring shout,

Something so new yet familiar and sweet,

I am finding fewer fears and doubts.

True, you did not have me at hello,

Yet I feel we will not part,

A love like this was worth the wait,

And has taken over my whole heart.

For the first time in such a long long time I know, I'll be ok

Good Hands

Head Over Feet

They always say that you will find love when you are not looking. I think I have been looking for love my whole life. Even in the darkest of days, love was in the back of my mind. So even though all this time I have been looking, I recently just realized I was looking for you. So maybe the idea of love finding you when you least expect it is true, and after everything else I have experienced I didn't see us blooming into this. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I was looking for and then you came along and redefined my wants and needs. For the first time in a long time I knocked the walls down around me and fully opened myself to someone else. I am not afraid of loosing you and I am not ashamed of who I have been, I simply take comfort in the fact that I am yours. I am happy to have finally found a love that is patient and kind. I am happy I found you. 

Lucky

Sooner or later in life the things you love you loose, You've got the love to see me though

I always felt so blessed to grow up with an abundance of Grandparents. 4 Great Grandparents and 4 Grandparents. With one left I have found the down side to growing up with grandparents is loosing them. And I did not just see them occasionally or on holidays, I grew up with them on either side. At every event, important moments, unimportant ones. Literally each one a street away.

I grieve the losses, I grieve for the part of my life you will miss, me actually becoming an adult, falling in love, seeing who I will finally choose to be mine after all this time of all of you wondering and teasing, having children. I so wanted to share that with all of you as you have shared your lives with me. I wanted my children to grow up the way I have and have all you amazing people in their lives. But having you and loosing you is better than never having you at all. At least when the time come I can give what pieces of you are in me.

The benefit of growing side by side is your roots will always be entangled. The love from all these different people have taught me to love the way I do. Through all the sadness I have endured the one thing I have not lost is love. The love of my family, my very amazing friends, the idea of love, it is something I have kept close to my heart while my mind sorted out everything else. And it is this love I have that will shine through when my heart feels heavy with grief and missing you. It is the love that survives in the family you all have built, you can feel it in our hugs and grasping hands, see it in our smiles, hear it in our laughs. If I believe anything anymore, its that love will see me though. So thank you for sharing your loving hearts with me, I promise to make sure that love continues to grow.

It doesn't take much when you get enough living on love

"Livin On Love"

Two young people without a thing

Say some vows and spread their wings

Settle down with just what they need

Livin' on love

She don't care 'bout what's in style

She just likes the way he smiles

It takes more than marble and tile

Livin' on love

Livin' on love, buyin' on time

Without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime

Just like an old fashion story book rhyme

Livin' on love

It sounds simple, that's what you're thinkin'

But love can walk through fire without blinkin'

It doesn't take much when you get enough

Livin' on love

Two old people without a thing

Children gone but still they sing

Side by side in that front porch swing

Livin' on love

He can't see anymore

She can barely sweep the floor

Hand in hand they'll walk through that door

Just livin' on love

Livin' on love, buyin' on time

Without somebody nothing ain't worth a dime

Just like an old fashion story book rhyme

Livin' on love

It sounds simple that's what you're thinkin'

But love can walk through fire without blinkin'

It doesn't take much when you get enough

Livin' on love

No it doesn't take much when you get enough

Livin' on love

Love Me

Before You

Now I think I'll get through anything <3

We found love right where we are

Dog Days Are Over

You always see those home made memes, "I'm happy because I chose to be", "Choose Happiness", ext. I am not sure that it is as simple as that, although I wish it was. I wish I could have chose to avoid all the sadness and confusion I didn't think life held. However, as I find myself becoming the person I have hoped to be I appreciate the path that has led me here. I appreciate the power and inner strength I have found along the way, although I may resent events, and emotions that followed those life changing events.

As I go over my resolutions and go to check off  my goals I find a lot of them just come naturally now. I don't need to mark dates and make sure I do it. I no longer avoid leaving my home when I don't need to and am even stepping WAY out of my comfort zone. I sing more, laugh more, enjoy life more. I believe in myself and the future, and I believe if I ever stop feeling that way I can find my way back again. I am proud of coming this far, and no longer ashamed that I had to.

Ain't it funny?

Bad Habits

There is the one you wish to give your heart
You can usually tell it's doomed from the start
But you offer it up anyways
Nursing the break in future days

Then there is the one who wants your heart
You know they would never tear it apart
But it doesn't beat like them like the one who cracked it
Isn't it funny how we love our bad habits?

There is a fine line between love and hate
And what you choose to give and take
But I would rather my heart wither and blow away
Than settle for boring any day

The Notebook - The Way I Loved You

Spring Melt

The spring melt has begun, before it had always brought me such hope. Nobody told me about the common spring anxiety that gets a lot of people, but there it was. Like the spring there have been a lot of new beginnings and endings happening. Finals and exams ended, the possibility of new job and beginning a new career is very real and obtainable, and with that seems to bring a lot of ideas I didn't know I had. So the past few weeks have been a muddle of a bit of everything.

The first Easter without Gramma was hard, and for a moment I had forgetten she was gone and when that moment had passed I felt a crashing down around me I haven't felt in a while. But I made it through, and I seem to feel her with me more. I am remembering the good times and not the sad end, the laughter and the jokes, and all she has passed down to me.

Then for a few days I felt really alone, the kind where I wanted to crawl into bed and just stay there and feel sorry for myself. The stress of taking the next step and what comes after that seems to appeal to my "napping away my worries" defense mechanism. This is it now, fight or flight, have I finally learned enough to choose fight?

I think fight is the only choice I have. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot lately, and realized just how much I have began to rely on that comfort zone. I need and change, ad I am glad I challenged the boundires of that zone. I think I have met about 15 new people this month, I can't remember the last time I did that, it felt refreshing and fun expanding my horizons. I need to keep fighting to see what's next.

Resolution 12 - Believe in Magic

Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own

I try to muster up my softer side but my hard edges seem to always take charge, que sera.

Sunday Secrets

March

Well March, we did ok. Turns out I don't love exercising or cooking, but music and singing seem to have crept their way into everyday life, as has reading. Writing is more frequently inspired. However, midterms came and went and finals started, an important and sad date passed, anxiety got the best of me a few days, and I felt tired and sad. I'm ready for some sunshine, and some free time, and new beginnings. Well see how April goes and maybe make some new ones, resolutions and beginnings. 

Sisu

Compliments of Pinterest and lazy Saturday mornings

Gone are the days I won't make it through
And the nights I cry myself to sleep
Time has slightly healed me somehow
The wounds no longer feel so deep

I can remember how you used to be
Before the times got hard
I remember your smile and hear your laugh
I try to spread that laugh near and far

Your kind heart lives on in us
You taught me how to care
Your generous spirit is still alive
I can still feel you here

I no longer stand at your grave and weep
Anchored to the grief
I carry you in my heart and my smile
I feel a soothing peace

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

Laugh until we think we'll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Never could be sweeter than with you <3 ♫

Before something even begins I think about where it could head, how it could end and how that would make me feel. I make a decision on whether or not it is worth it (usually no by this point) and go from there. What the hell kind of backwards thinking is that? I didn't even realize I was doing this. I have my guard up before there is anything to guard.

Although I find myself more happy and social, it isn't until I am standing a large place full of people that I feel like an imposter. I don't really want to be there, make small talk or stay out all night long. With my small group of friends I will laugh and enjoy myself all night long, baby steps I suppose.

However I cannot not take a chance because of how something might go, or how I might feel when I get there. Struggling doesn't mean you are failing, it means you are still trying.

I never asked, yet there you were

Everyone has those friends who they know will be there for them no matter what, come hell or high water.
But sometimes in life the people you find by your side is not who you expected, or even who you asked. Yet there they are, holding your hand, pouring your drink and not making a big deal about your tears. They are the people who can bring you tears, just by realizing how much they have come to mean to you. There is no fear of judgement because you have been through hell too, and I will gladly pull you back anytime like you have done for me.

I recently posted something that said "A friend is someone who knows the song in  your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."  I not only lost the words, I forgot who I was. Coming back into my own is like running into an old friend,  you are just so happy to have found them again. And I have a few to thank, you brought me back to life. I feel like I have woken from a deep slumber and am finally awake, and I am so thankful and glad when I look around me. Life is almost never what you expect, but most definitely what you make of it, and all of you have made it better.

Here We Go Again

Thank you February, You've been good to me

Life Happens

I chose to smile and then would go home and frown

I chose laughter but instead I cried

I chose happiness but sadness followed

I chose love but it was unrequited

I chose to live but then you died, and a part of me did too

I chose to start over, and then I had to do it again

I choose to try again

Oh Happy Day

More and more I am finding the happy days, I feel more like my old self than I have in a long time. Now knowing what is at the other end of this happiness I seem to appreciate it more. Knowing how tempermental my mental health can be makes it feel better when achieving a more well rounded state of mind. My body is moving more and my mind, I lay in bed in the morning and smile as I stretch, I can honestly say I feel content.  I don't recall a February ever feeling so bright, and not so blue.

I've been taking chances, and pictures and have been letting myself escape, dream, relax, and be surrounded by the company of others once again. Although I do feel more like my old self I have not come out of the storm unscathed. You don't wallow in aftermath of death and tragedy for months and come out the same.

I have always prided myself on being unique and a free spirit, yet I know now more than ever I could care less about the thoughts of others. I am not out to find fault with others but it seems there comes a point in your life when some things just don't matter. That realization alone has made me happier. Just because I live my life different than you doesn't mean yours is any better or mine is any less. The things you have or care about that make you happy are not the same things that are going to make me happy. Just because I don't want those things doesn't make me lost or a late bloomer, it means my path is heading in another direction. Don't judge others because they sin differently than you. Live and let go.

I am not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

Mountains

I woke up happy today, and I can't remember the last time that has happened. Although the sadness does not creep into everyday I find that the anxiousness is. But then I realized it was because I have been stepping out of my comfort zone, I have lived more in the past few weeks than I have in the last six months. It no longer feels like days are just passing by, but I am present and enjoying them. I am becoming confident in my passions again, I feel a bit lighter, and a bit happier.
It was strange though when I realized why I was anxious, I was anxious about participating in everyday life to my full potential. It felt odd to have to try and enjoy something when before you never had to give it second thought. I remember the days when life was full of joy, I just can't seem to pinpoint when it started not to be. How long have I really felt this way, how much further on this journey to I have to go? Of course I know the answer is that it will be never ending, but I hope it brings me somewhere more peaceful and light. As tiring as it may be, climbing over a mountain to only find another, I will make the decision on how my story will end. I now know I can pick myself up and begin again and I've made it through every day so far. Finger crossed I can hold onto this top of the mountain feeling for a while.

Daily Affirmations

January

Well January has come and gone and I seem to be on an ok track. I didn't do everything (like exercise lol) but I'm not discouraged, I just need to try a bit more in February.

 I'm not joyful every day, and have no energy some - but then there are days I am. I am singing more, reading more, enjoying people more. I realized I want to take more pictures and drink more tea, keep singing and keep my friends close, for they bring me so many smiles and laughs. And even though I spend too any nights at home, I've made home a happier place to be, keeping it tidy and cozy so I enjoy my downtime not stress about it. 

So cheers to checking off books, laughs, songs, and friendships. And don't forget, the only person I have to better than is the person I was yesterday. 

What if you fall, oh but darling what if I fly?

Being a Sagittarius I seem to have picked up the trait of being an eternal optimist, cheering up seems to have reignited that part of myself. It's time to stop not taking chances, it's time to stop being comfortable and shake things up. I really do believe in the power of positive thought, so I need to find the bright side of things and believe the best is yet to come. I think I have lived enough to have learned that seeing the best in everything can be blinding and can be a downfall. However, I would rather take some falls along the way with the best in mind as opposed to taking the safe path because I might get hurt. I remember every fall, I haven't forgotten, because those leaps before the falls were propelled on a whim of my inner eternal optimist. I cared so much every time, but could move on because the leaps answered the what-ifs that can torture you once the moment has passed. 

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But sometimes when twice comes around you know what you want the second time, not so blinded after the first time around. Sometimes the timing just feels better, even right. Going in eyes open means there is no one to blame but me if I fall, and that's ok. I can pick myself up on my own, half-gracefully some of the time. But the optimist in me can't pass up the chance to answer those what-ifs, usually once they are they don't seem to ideal anymore, but I can't resist the urge to see. 

Leaping feels better than sleeping.

Be the change you wish to see in the world

I think right now it is between myself and I, and I want to be the person who is kind anyways, who is happy anyways, and not let the world or other people bring me down. Daily Affirmations. I don't need to be better than anybody else, just better than the person I was yesterday.

Fight or Flight

Realizing that I had to fight for my happiness seemed like an exhausting path, or maybe trying to pave the way again and again was what was tiring out my soul. But haven't I always been a fighter? When I look back it's very rare someone has done me wrong and gotten away with it. I am not saying I am proud of everything I have done, for I know I handled things with my heart and rage and not my head, I know once mad I can hurt people with my words more than anything else, I've had a poison tongue and used it because it would hurt the most. And many of those things I had to defend myself against left me bitter, less bright eyed and jaded. But I fought. I fought for love when I thought it was there so I can say at least I tried and eventually move on. I fought friends who have wronged me, this showed them that I am not a door mat and we are stronger for it. However I think I now know when not to fight for those things, when to let go of what it not meant for me, for the most part.

But there are still things I need to fight for, and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to. I have always been feisty and challenging, and of all the things I have lost along the way this isn't something I am going to. I am going to fight for a peaceful soul, a healthy mind, a smart and witty mind, to be kind and giving, and I am going to fight for my loving heart. I am not going to fight to be who I was, I am going to fight for who I am suppose to be. I have been finding more smiles, more laughs, and songs lately, words bring me joy now and not tears. I know that that can change, change is the only constant things in our lives, but I know I am full of piss and vinegar, and love and I'll be okay.

I've got a right to be wrong, my mistakes will make me strong

Those who don't believe in Magic will never find it

Okay time to set some small goals! I'm not going to stress if I don't meet them, but I am going to keep a journal to be accountable. Time to get out of my comfort zone I've been depending on, time for some self-reflection and phasing out habits or goals that no longer serve their purpose.

1.  Blog once a week 
2. Write a poem once a month
3. Read at least 10 books this year - At least 3 Classics
4. Listen to music in the mornings - I've been picking one artist a morning and jamming out to all their songs, So far we had a Janis morning, Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix & Bob Dylan - it feels good to listen to all your favorite artists
5. Sing more
6. Laugh more
7. Get out of the house in the evenings, I'll start with once a week
8. Get moving, we'll start with twice a week here, whether its a walk, dance class, yoga it's time to carve out some destressing healthy habits
9. Try a new recipe once a month - Going to cook my way around the world trying recipes from different cultures and countries
10. Take some time off this summer
11. Look at the stars more
12. Believe in magic - I don't care if I am 27 or 77, to believe that this world is just what I have seen is just too depressing, I need something more, I need wishes and daydreams and hope

My life in one sentence... It didn't go as planned, and that's ok

It's certainly easier to post pictures that capture bits of what I am feeling than actually facing the words that might come out if I sit down and write. It's easier to use avoidance than confront what is really going on. When it all first started happening I thought ok, I will deal with it and it will go away. But as the sadness comes back again and again it might be time to admit that this depression that plaques me it not just a one time thing, but something that I am going to have to fight over and over. Coming out of a wave of sadness and feeling the sunshine and happiness is wonderful, but feeling that wave drag you back down again is exhausting, realizing you have a long way to go until the sunshine again. It's frustating, and I am tired, but I know I won't drown. Sometimes I may let myself be pulled down, for in that moment I don't have the strength to hang on.

I now know big goals are not for me right now, because getting out of bed and getting dressed is sometimes all I can do. I woke up this morning with a smile and that's good enough for me today. I'll take the small moments as they come and try and create more when I can. I am not going to loose 50 pounds, write a book and have the best year of my life, I just pray it is better than the last. So I will make small goals, keep shuffling with these baby steps and take the small victories if they come. If they don't, well then I will try again another day.

Que Sera Sera

When I was a girl

I held the whole world in my hand

How surprised I am to find it

Empty again and again

My world has become this basement

My bed my comfort zone

I know that young girl is disappointed

How this is me, so sad and alone

That girl who feicely loved love

And read her way through different worlds

Believed in magic and wishing stars

Was wild, full of life and curls

But here I am still finding my way 

From rock bottom once again

It seems deeper than I remember

And I'm climbing out with cuts on my hand

But I know that girl believes in me

And somewhere deep down I do too

I'm not out to capture the world today

A happy girl will do