My voice may be shaky but my eyes are dry

I'm only left with another scar on my heart

I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am Queen

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s suppose to beAnd I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes on meMy feet, my thighs, my Lips, my eyes, I’m loving what I see

I heard Jesus he drank wine & I'd bet we get along just fine

I ain't the kind you take home to mama,
I ain't the kind to wear no ring
Somehow I always get stronger,
When I'm on my second drink.

It seems the songs and quotes have even stopped speaking to me about you. I will save a photo or write down a song and when I go to post it I will stop because I am no longer feeling that way. How badly I wanted to be okay, and now that I am it feels bittersweet knowing there is no more looking back.

It's been a whirlwind, and I've kept myself busy as best I can. That was a challenge for someone who has grown so used to home, but I knew, if I let this heart break sink me I would have slipped into a depression. It would have been one that I would have taken a long time to bounce back. So I fought and struggled, and I managed to stay a float. It makes the tears, anxiety, feelings of desperation, worth it because I felt it all, and now I can walk away with my head high and my heart ready again. I am tired, but I am happy. My days are more filled with who I used to be more than ever, I feel like myself, like I found a long lost friend. I want to show her the best time, make the most of everything and be grateful.

You know you had me at cool t-shirt babe...

.. I said I wish that I heard Hendrix Play

Oh Happy Days

It Ain't me Babe

I am not the one you want babe.. I will only let you down

I'll be your Daydream, I'll be your Favorite Thing

Get drunk on the good life, I'll take you to paradise #relationshipgoals

No words

It seems for once I have no more to say, at least on the topic of you. There is a song or a quote here and there that reminds me of the sadness and pain I was feeling, but now it is just a quick trickle of sadness in my sunny day as opposed to thunderstorm consuming me 24/7. That may have even been my last lame metaphor relating to matters of the heart.. I've got nothing left.

Someone told me the other day that I seem happier then ever, and for the first time in so long I wasn't TRYING to be happy, I just was. I guess I had no sadness left either after it had clung to me for so long. I've lost a lot in the past few years, but I have so much more to gain on the road ahead. I have been guilty in the past of letting my life pass me by, but I feel more engaged for the first time in such a long time that I'm not even sure when I became such a homebody. But when I stepped back out it was like nothing had changed. Smiling and laughing again felt as natural as sleeping and eating.

I knew I was going to be okay, but how relieved I am to finally be arriving at that place and to be closing the chapter in order to move on to the next. I hope it is a page turner.

Okay, I had a few words left...

Packing up & heading back to me....

And it feels SO good!

It's always your favorite sins, that do you in

Baby who we are just didn't work...

Country songs & broken hearts are best friends

Sometimes it takes loosing it to realize you wanted something different all along...

I swear the last few days have felt like months as my mind sorts through everything my heart is throwing at it. It must be true that it is always darkest before the dawn. It must have felt dark for too long, and I started to panic, desperate for a little light. Now all of a sudden it is bright, and it feels like summertime. I wanted the rain to come, and wash it all away, but it only washed away the shell I was wearing to protect my heart and my pride. With that protection gone, I felt so raw and vulnerable, like a skinned knee.. even the air around it hurts. Have you even spotted a turtle with no shell? You don't want to see it. All of a sudden I was grasping at straws to try and avoid the hard truths that would bruise my still soft heart.

You say I am strong, and I will be okay. I know that. I know I don't need anyone.. but I sure do want someone. I hope you know how lucky you are I let my walls down and wanted you. I ended up feeling so distraught that it seems impossible I would be fine only a mere few days later. Although when looking back now over the recent weeks, I was already laying the ground work to dull the pain and learn to look forward to what comes next again. So when I laid it all out, it simply lightened the load I have been carrying and everything that's been swirling in my mind and heart for weeks just floated out and away. There is no sick feeling in my gut, or daydream in the back of my mind. There are no sleepless mornings or reaching for my phone, just release.

I would give it my all again, because my heart knows no bounds. I would live a practical life, but that is silly because I am an impractical person, I refuse to wear proper footwear because I prefer cute. You always referred to me as dear, and it grew on me, but in the beginning made me cringe. A dear always seemed so delicate, so graceful and sweet... and I am anything but. I feel more like a bear, I need my rest to sustain me, but in full force I am fierce. You never hear anything about "watch out for Papa Bear" because we all know Mama Bear means business.

I need someone who can handle my calm, and respect my right to be fierce. Not only respect it but be in awe of it, know it is something that I can't change and love me for it anyways. Don't love the person I could be, because that changes as much as the seasons. I'd rather not know what it around the corner then have the rest of this journey set in stone, sometimes the detours are the best part.

Damn Your Love

Yesterday I Cried.. You Must Have Been Relieved to See a Softer Side

Current mood. I've always liked this song ("Now 3" anyone?).. but never actually related until now. Good or bad thing? Not sure, not sure I care!

Fare Thee Well

When you hear a song and you just know you are going to love it forever.. plus it doesn't hurt that Bob Dylan composed it.

That moment when it hits you...

This Girl is on Fire

I miss my friend

Moving on does not mean I am over it. You still linger in all that I do and I miss you, but I am still left with no choice but to move on. Who knows when I will finally be over this. I was hoping maybe a week, then perhaps a month, but much to my dismay there is no "get over your first love" timeline I can follow. I am making the path as I go.

What a friend I found in you, but separating that friend from my lover feels so complicated. I wish we could have survived, even though neither one of us can convince ourselves that would be best. I know I can't have you help me to get over you, but as the days go on I can't see you never being a part of my life. I've grown so much the last year, and so much of that has to do with you. You know me in a way no one else does because you brought out a side of me I had long forgotten about. You, who didn't know me before might not have seen the difference, but I blossomed and grew, I took a lot of steps I had been avoiding for so long. But I don't want to rush to the finish line, I want to enjoy this new person I am becoming, I worked hard and for a long time to arrive at this point. I owe her this time to relish in what I achieved. I want you to know all that achieve too, because I am grateful for your part in my journey. There may have been things I did not like, but there were a lot of things I loved, and I love our friendship. I am hoping to untangle the rest of the mess and feelings that surround our friendship, because I can't loose that too.

Taking it hard, just like you knew I would

Brain: Over it
Heart: Sike

What can you do with a Sentimental Heart?

Leaps and Bounds

Leaping is scary when you don't have anyone to catch you, may I soar until I can stand again.

Photo Blogging

The wind is wiser than I

Happy Mother's Day

Cheers to the women who raised me. I am me because of you. Thank you for your love, kindness, sassiness, stubbornness, humor, vivaciousness, and support. You have built a strong woman, and although that comes with challenges I wouldn't have it any other way. It's going to take someone special to truly be with the girl you built... maybe you could give fate a little nudge my way ;)

Make Your Past Your Past, It's a Brand New Day

I finally seem to be able to sleep and eat like a normal person. The rain finally came and washed everything away, and I've finally taken some steps towards moving on, as small as they may be. Spring has always felt like a time of new beginnings to me, more so than January, and now it is time to grow. I have all this room and this space to be me, so that is what I'll do.

The Me Project

I've been re-watching the Mindy Project to cheer myself up... The laughing is working! The parallels are there from the first episode, her love of Meg Ryan movies, a mess of a personal life, and she's hilarious ;)

But as I binge watch my way through the seasons and see her with Danny I see more parallels again. A fun loving optimistic brown girl loving a tight ass Italian guy who always scolds her and is so set in his ways he cannot imagine it any other way. (What a shame) Everyone loves them and wants them to be together, but in the end they are just too different. Plus side, we figured it out sooner. Turns out they were better off without each other. Well.. we will see how season 4 ends.

Damn life lessons while I am trying to enjoy my favourite show. But the laughs are more frequent than the tears, and starting to feel okay with this as opposed to feeling like I was losing my future. No more could of, should of, would of. Time for I can, I will, I am. 

You know I used to live alone before I knew you

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

It sure was an interesting chapter

Bridget Jones - All by Myself

Things could be worse!! :'D

Home Alone

I've grown to dislike this fowl feelings I am dragging around still, I literally feel like I have a rain cloud over me, even though the sun has finally arrived. I found two of the problems.

1. Going to the city - okay so in all fairness it has only been twice, but I left in tears. I feel like I have cried enough tears to drown but they are still sneaking out. And this problem needs to be solved quickly. I have so many work and social things coming up.. tears will not do.

2. Coming home alone. This shocked me as that it is a problem because I always have been on my own. But the last year was different, even though I wasn't coming home to you, I was always carrying you and my love for you with me, I never felt alone. That heavy constant nagging of being on my own feels like it is dragging me down.

Everything seems so final now. Now that life is going on it is clear that no one is running back to anyone. Even though we talked till we were blue in the face that this was the right thing to do, it still would have been nice if someone put up a fight, like any of this mattered. It hurts that I was so easy to let go of.

Now that I know the problem, and why I feel so deflated I can find a way to fix it. I think I've mentioned more than once how eager I am to be free of all this pain, so find a way I will. People always say you don't know how strong you are until you have to be. I've always known, but strength doesn't heal a broken heart, time does. Time and whiskey.

Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what the mind already knows

I always knew, I'm not the slightest bit dumb... Knew my heart didn't drum the way it should when someone is your world, but I thought it fluttered enough. What I didn't know what this flame I have, it won't burn out. I was always afraid to waste my love because I know how intense it burns when I give it away... So I waited 10 years in fear of my flame burning out on the wrong love. But here we are after a year, and I don't feel it was wasted. I am not burnt out, I do know it will just burn brighter when fueled by the right love.

People were right, there will be bad days ahead, for I cannot just simply forget. But there will days after that, and though this flame burned me, I can't wait to start another fire. I want these rain clouds to open up and cool these old flames and wounds. I want it to wash away the winter blues once and for all and to finally  enjoy the spring sunshine, my heart could use some warming. 

You turned my world upside down when you loved me, and again when you left. It's been strange finding my way again with these emotional ups and downs, but I'm almost there. The pieces fit a little different as I place them back together, but I suppose it is like something new... Like me without you.

I Promise to Always Stay Wild

I feel like I still crave you, like my body and heart are unaware that the connection between us has been severed. I feel like I know what I could do to try and make this work and imagine how good it would feel to be in your arms again, breathing you in, and feeling myself safe there. But when it happens in my dreams I know that I do not fit there anymore, and sometimes I wonder if I ever really did, or if I just forced my way in simply to have two arms around me. Subconsciously I knew this was never for the long haul, but deep down I always thought it would be me who would walk away, or say no to the next step. But here we are, and as the days go by a bit of what we were falls away more and more. It is as if I am bleeding what was all over the place, and as it leaves me, I remember it as it was, grieve it, and then more pours out of me. I am just impatient for it to end. I grieve and I am sad, but I know now that I no longer want this love, or this pain.

The next time I find someone I hope he has better faith in us, not walk away at the first bump in the road. I know it was a long winter, but I also know I want someone who can pick me up when I am down, not just leave me there and walk away.As I mentioned previously, I found my answer in your hesitation, and myself in your absence. You were a calm in my storm, but calm waters make me want to drown and I missed the chaos of my waves. I was not growing up, I was bored. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw "Maybe some women are not meant to be tamed, they just run free until the find someone just as wild to run with them." I promise to always stay wild.

7 More Days of Happiness

I still believe in love

When your life goals just don't align....

I can't change everything...