Sometimes it takes loosing it to realize you wanted something different all along...

I swear the last few days have felt like months as my mind sorts through everything my heart is throwing at it. It must be true that it is always darkest before the dawn. It must have felt dark for too long, and I started to panic, desperate for a little light. Now all of a sudden it is bright, and it feels like summertime. I wanted the rain to come, and wash it all away, but it only washed away the shell I was wearing to protect my heart and my pride. With that protection gone, I felt so raw and vulnerable, like a skinned knee.. even the air around it hurts. Have you even spotted a turtle with no shell? You don't want to see it. All of a sudden I was grasping at straws to try and avoid the hard truths that would bruise my still soft heart.

You say I am strong, and I will be okay. I know that. I know I don't need anyone.. but I sure do want someone. I hope you know how lucky you are I let my walls down and wanted you. I ended up feeling so distraught that it seems impossible I would be fine only a mere few days later. Although when looking back now over the recent weeks, I was already laying the ground work to dull the pain and learn to look forward to what comes next again. So when I laid it all out, it simply lightened the load I have been carrying and everything that's been swirling in my mind and heart for weeks just floated out and away. There is no sick feeling in my gut, or daydream in the back of my mind. There are no sleepless mornings or reaching for my phone, just release.

I would give it my all again, because my heart knows no bounds. I would live a practical life, but that is silly because I am an impractical person, I refuse to wear proper footwear because I prefer cute. You always referred to me as dear, and it grew on me, but in the beginning made me cringe. A dear always seemed so delicate, so graceful and sweet... and I am anything but. I feel more like a bear, I need my rest to sustain me, but in full force I am fierce. You never hear anything about "watch out for Papa Bear" because we all know Mama Bear means business.

I need someone who can handle my calm, and respect my right to be fierce. Not only respect it but be in awe of it, know it is something that I can't change and love me for it anyways. Don't love the person I could be, because that changes as much as the seasons. I'd rather not know what it around the corner then have the rest of this journey set in stone, sometimes the detours are the best part.