2004 - It's not me, it's you

2004 was a short year for poems. This is around the time my writing slowed down. Didn't really pick up again until 2009, which is kind of sad. But those were the years where I learned to not give my heart away like it was going out of style. That is also until 2009. It's like all those years of behaving and then something snapped. I was asking for it really. I also think I was a little a cynical about what relationships could be like as well, I have to say nothing has really happened that should change my mind, yet my mind is changed. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet. I guess time will tell.
I was going to do a post about weather or not you could drink someone away. At the moment I think my answer is no, but I am way to hungover to discuss it. So let's just get on the 2004.
*
Upon my Breast
His head was nested, snuggling
In the warmth of my chest
And as his tears began to flow
I felt them run down my breast

As they rolled across they wiped me clean
Leaving nothing behind
And at that moment I felt so pure
As if his tears had cleansed my mind

Although he was in pain
I tried to hold him near
I wanted his body so wrapped up in my own
So that I would drive away his fears

For I wanted him to see the beauty
Created right there where we rest
I wanted to show him how he made me pure
But was unsure how to confess

I so badly wanted to reach out
And gently heal his wounds as he wept
So he could discover the bond he created
With his tears upon my breast
*
Dazed and Confused
Dazed and confused
So unsure of that to do
Feeling so alone and scared
Wondering if anyone even cares

Standing so tall and proud
I used to be so confident and sure
But now all that confidence is gone
Leaving me unsure

I am not who you wish I was
Nor who I want to be
But I am so dazed and confused
How can I make you see?

I cannot get past this empty feeling
This dark hole deep within
I feel it is consuming my entire being
Yet I can’t make you see

See that I am afraid
Not of anything, but nothing
But this nothing is strong
And baby I don’t know what I am doing wrong

So I lay alone
And drown in my tears
Feeling dazed and confused
Being taken over by all my fears

I am trying to be who I need to be
For both you and I
Please don’t angry or upset
Just hold me when I cry

Because the day will come
When I am no longer dazed and confused
And when that day comes
Baby it’s just me and you
*
Hopeful Thinking
The days have become blurred together
Like one big giant mess
And I am searching for a clearing
But I haven’t found one yet

I can remember the days
Of no worries and no fears
The days when I could smile
But they slipped away with tears

I never doubted what we had
For it was as perfect as a summer dream
But now I feel so afraid
Of the nightmare that has come between

I cannot find the passion
That used to light my soul
I am beginning to feel isolated
And that my heart’s belonging is beyond my control

I feel so small and defeated
To small to even hold
I cannot find the comfort is used to have
For now I feel so alone

But soon the days will separate
And one by one become clear
Then I can feel the passion and love
And the comfort when you hold me near
*
Still the one
In times of trouble and of sorrow
We have no predictions of the morrow
It is blocked by doubt and many fears
And we cannot escape the falling tears

But underneath everything
Behind betrayal and deceit
We have this “oh so perfect” love
That we vowed before cannot be beat

We have to be patient and have to learn
That we have only been knocked behind
But we can still come out strong
And leave this loss behind

Let’s get back to what we had
And keep our dreams in sight
Remember all the love we have
And that our future is so bright

Although we know things may be different
For this monster has changed us both
But in our hearts we will still have each other
And that is what matters most

Despite the pain we have both endured
I am glad I believed in you
Because when this is all over
You will still be the one I belong to
*
Back to yesterday
All these feelings that I have
Scream from inside
All these tears and all my fears
Have got nowhere to hide

I have become so afraid
Of this monster coming out
I cannot keep these things to myself
For I need to cry and shout

The tears drown out my innocence
That this monster took from me
And these crazy shouts black my sanity
From what I know I should be

I know I love him deep inside
But it is buried in this mess
Of loneliness and betrayal
That I have created for myself

I am trying desperately to get out
Of this self created rut
But I feel as if I am sinking in quicksand
And I cannot get through this muck

I cannot get back to who I am
Or remember what that is like
For this monster is consuming my soul
And I see no reason to fight

For it is far easier to just let go
And try my best to forget
Of how my yesterday’s were wonderful
And not filled with regret

Hurtful words and angry tears
Come from every which way
This monster is attacking me
And I become it more everyday

I am so afraid of tomorrow
For I no longer have control
Of my life, love or lust
Nor the passion in my soul

I hate this ugly monster
And I pray is goes away
I want to feel the love again
And go back to yesterday
*

Woah... I forgot about these ones. I think this post should also be dedicated to you.. bastard. Lol. Now that is something that cannot be drunken away, or that any of the solutions from yesterday could cure. It's one of those instances where "time heals all wounds". When that big empty hole in your chest slowly fills back up month after month. But never completely. Because you can never fully give yourself to someone again, because somewhere deep down you remember what it is like when your eyes swell shut from crying and your mom picks you up off the bathroom floor. And you swear you will never let anyone do that to you again. And they can't if you only give them bits and pieces instead of the whole shebang. It's true, the first cut is the deepeset, just because you are not smart enough to hold back when it's your first love.
You never listen to people when they say you are too young to be in love. But what they are really saying is you are too young to go through that pain when it is all over. The love you can handle, it's new and exhilarating, like a roller coaster where you just close your eyes, go in blind and wait for the drop. But when you fall and no one catches you, it's true. You are too young. Too young to pick up the pieces and figure out where they are all suppose to go. It's not really fair to whoever follows that heartbreak, but I suppose when you do find someone right again, maybe it will be different. At least I am hoping. Because let's face it,
I'm a Hopeless Romantic x0x