"The old dreams were good dreams, they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them" That is from one of my favorite books. I can't remember which one at the moment, I'm going to say Bridges of Madison County but don't hold me to it. Anyways, I don't think I can stand by that quote. It's like giving up. Maybe I have a little bit, this isn't where I pictured myself 5 years out of high school. However I also don't think High School should be held as such a defining this in one's life, it really is such a small part. I know that in me somewhere there is something left over from what was, I was so passionate about life, couldn't wait for it to start and for me to prove myself. I am also hoping there is something more now. Knowing what I've been doing I've realizing I can't do this forever.
I couldn't wait to be somebody, but as it started to happen it scared me. I don't know if I was more afraid of failing or of succeeding. But starting another chapter seemed to all of sudden scare the shit out of me, when for so long it was all I wanted. I was afriad of getting so close and losing it all, I don't know where this fear came from or why, but I was determined to make sure somehow I was in control of me making it or not. Doesn't really make sense right? All those passions and ambitions got put on hold and somehow the things that are second nature to me now are wiping tables, mixing drinks and customer service. I need a makeover, a life makeover.
I really just don't think at 17 I was ready for all those opportunities and life decisions, and now that I am 22 it's harder to get started again. But I feel if I don't do it soon I'll be 40 wiping tables still and mixing drinks, and I don't think I can have that. I think those really close to me can still see that passion I have, hopefully. Can read it in my words that I write that I am more then a bartender. But those who don't know that side of me, look at me casting judgment. It sure feels like that sometimes, like "oh, she was such a smart girl, look at her now." However I don't want to make something of myself for those people, I know I want to do it for me. I think loving your life and what you are doing in life will allow more love in your life in general. Not the romantic kind, just love period. If you are happy in what you are doing then you will be happy in other aspects, at least that is what I am hoping. Seems I'm hopeless in more ways than one. Well hopefully this ambition to move on from the stand still point in my life will stick, because I so badly need it to.
The Hopeless Romantic xox
No comments:
Post a Comment