Hey Jealousy

I have come to the conclusion that I am very happy in my single status. Of course I would like something more, but until I find the something that takes my breath away I have decided not to settle. But with one little slip I feel right back where I always was. Even though I now know what I do and do not want, I still don't want anyone to have what I should not want. I know I have made the right choice, and have not made an idiot of myself, yet I feel small stirrings of something along the lines of jealousy. Jealousy over something that I don't not even want. Isn't that crazy? (No wonder men don't understand us) Even when I am feeling jealous or slightly angry my brain is telling me, "Tatum, you don't even want, nor deserve that." Maybe it's just the holidays, surrounded by couples, and families and engagements. None of which I want at this time or anywhere near ready for, maybe I am just anxious to get to that point. Start something special. Perhaps there still is some hopeless-ness floating around getting drudged up. OR maybe I just have way to much free time to think over the holidays, and when the New Year comes and I am crazy busy again this will fade.
Until Then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Not so Hopless..

Well, No Internet these days and no love!! But maybe I am not so hopeless anymore because I haven't even thought about it. Giving up meaningless crushes and encounters has been liberating! How easy it is to say no thank-you with a smile :) Hopefully I can avoid the holiday hook-ups which never lead anywhere in the New Year.
Unknowingly I have been working on me, and my little apartment. Glancing around last night at my place all decorated for Christmas with a glass of wine and painted nails I smiled realizing how content I am in my little world of books, work, friends, hockey and whatever else I can find to fill the time. Besides avoiding holiday hook-ups I have also managed to avoid the winter blues by being completely, exhausting-ly busy and I love it! I may be speaking too soon on that one, but hopefully not! I think that if I keep busy enough and work hard enough I will wake up one day exactly where I want to be, and I hope romance will follow that. But if not I think I'm OK with that too. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely, and lonely I am certainly not! I will try to keep some posts coming, although it seems a little silly blogging about the lack of love in my life! Oh well!

Well my internet has been down, my schedule fuller than full, about to get fuller and no one has caught my eye! I have been reading and watching things of romantic substances but have yet to be inspired. So I will keep this short and sweet and send out the wish of something coming my way soon to inspire these hands to write and my heart to beat :) Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic
(Who is too busy to be hopeless or romantic at the moment)

You took me home to see your new guitar, Turning it up, you shook me all night long

Summer Wind Down

The day are still hot, but the cool August air is a reminder that the Summer is coming to an end. Some of the trees are starting to change and Autumn is ready to make an appearance. It has always been my favorite time of year, however this summer may have been the most enjoyed so far. For the first time in my adult life I had time off, time in the sun, the sand, under the stars at night with no reason to go in early. I loved every minute of it. But whether we want it to or not, time goes on.
The changing of the seasons can be viewed as a new beginning. I don't see any reason not to start over, make improvements. So here I go again, I will take on a start as fresh as the Autumn air! Crisp, cool and refreshing :)Whether we realize it or not we are always changing, so I feel excited to embrace and change with the season. As sad as I am so say good-bye to summer, I am happy to say hello to what is next! (As well and cute sweaters and scarves!)
And of course with all changes there is the one I hoplessly still want... but until then,
The Hopeless Romantic

Home Shore

I find myself in the same place as this time last year. Traveling home along the shores of Lake Superior. I feel at home when we cross that line and the lake becomes visible with the water crashing against the shore. I sit on the soft sand and emerge myself in the waters, waters that are suppose to be so cold, but feel so right. Watching the sun set leaves me smiling feeling at peace. It's a good feeling, a good end to an amazing summer. It leaves me feeling refreshed for the fall, ready to take on whatever is coming Hopefully something great is on its way!

Sun is shining, weather is sweet, makes you wanna move your dancing feet!

Sweet Summertime! That is pretty much all.. bonfires, lakes, swimming, beaches, sand between your painted toes! Tanning, drinks and that feeling like you will be forever young. Not sure I have felt it like this in a while, so I am going to enjoy it while it lasts <3

Take Me

On a weekend trip a little while ago I was reminded how much I love this country, specifically this part of it. I got to be surrounded by nature, which also reminded me that it something I need to do more of. I was inspired, inspired to write without rhyme (literally) or reason. To write just because I HAD to in that moment. So I gave a shot at stream-of consciousness. Here it is.

*
Take me

Take me to the place where trees grow upside down, where purple flowers grow out of rocks and diamonds shine on the water.

The writings in the stone hold stories of old and the stars blink their blessings down on us.

We fall from cliffs to be embraced by the summer waters and let the fire light the doorways to our hearts.

Stones rise out of the waters to hold the secrets of magic summer days and nights.

Share your magic with me, share your secrets.

Take me.
*

Suddenly I see

I stood up for what I want, what I think I deserve. I took your sweet-talking words and challenged them. I didn’t stop you when you walked away to compromise my integrity and give you what you wanted. My self worth was more important than the moment. Although I feel somewhat hurt, I suppose it is better then feeling somewhat used. I want you to mean what you say, and to want more than you are REALLY offering. I want to you see the things about me you don’t know, how much I care and what I like. I want someone to want to know these things and for them to matter to them. I want to be able to cuddle in the morning, not nurse a hangover of regret. I want more from you, and more for myself. If that is not available I have to learn to walk away and mean it, learn when enough is enough. Don’t tell me what I want or need, because I already know, I just have to believe that it is right for me and to trust that someone will respect that one day and make me happy. If it is not you then I need to not give into urges but trust that patience is worth it. I look forward to the day when I can think back and know I made the right decision, that this is may be the turning point I have been waiting for, the one that will make all the waiting worth it. I want someone who makes me feel special for more than just minute. Someone that I want to be with when I’m frumpy, that I don’t feel the need to always impress, but still want to impress anyways. Now that I am able to recognize Mr. Wrong before it is too late, hopefully I can see the potential Mr. Rights.
Until Then,
The Hopeless Romantic.. hopefully on my way to becoming less hopeless

This is how the story went, I met someone by accident (l)

Hiding my heart
So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And you know I wish that you were here
But that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away
<3

Memories

*
I don’t want to let you slip through my hands
I want to hold on to the moment if I can
Like moments that seem to happen so fast
Let us capture them sweetly before they pass

All of these moments we have shared
When we let ourselves love and care
Then all of the moments we have foolishly missed
When we were so unsure or too timid for a kiss

We have lived and learned but was it enough
Where my heart is concerned it is ready to trust
Ready to once again be placed in your hands
Let us live for the moment and forget all plans

I will grasp every moment as tight as I can
Refusing to let the chance slip through my hands
I will soak up each moment so that I can replay
Every sweet moment for when you once again go away

I know our moments are far and few
I want these moments to cherish you
Let us make the moment into memories
For that is all that shall remain of you and me
*

Column A vs. Column B

Sometimes I wonder what the attraction is to the ones that we cannot have. I know what I want, I want something fulfilling, challenging, intellectual, someone on the same page as me. All those people I have encountered like this seem to fall into the unattainable category. Then there are the easy ones, they are reliable, agreeable, always there for you no matter what. But they don’t gave you that irresistible, can’t live without you feeling. So you put up with it because having someone feels good, but in the end you let go because it is not satisfying. Where are the combination guys? The smart, challenging guys, that makes your heart race, and will be there for you regardless. Is there no place where the two types cross and make the perfect guy? When can I stop going back to those of my past who each have a part of what I want hoping over time they have developed the rest? Perhaps I think that these little encounters will leave me feeling pleased or guide me towards what I am truly looking for. Nine out of ten times though it is just a bitter reminder of why my past is my past, that I should stop including them in my future, even if just briefly.
So are the unattainable ones just the ones that we have fun with? Brief flings we will remember and always imagine they could have been something more. Leaving the reliable ones to be the ones we stick with, sacrificing the thrill that we crave? I sure hope not, I hope I can chalk up my past to my bad taste and insecurities. Hoping that I am growing up and obtaining qualities that will attract someone with everything I want. Someone who is in it for the long haul, and can give me those constant butterflies.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic

Taking Chances

*
This feeling I have I have had it before
It is one that leaves me wanting more
More of something that perhaps is not smart
But I cannot stop these thoughts once they start

This already may be a lesson in the making
This risk I already know I will be taking
This risk I will take for butterflies
Without pausing to ask myself why

I have been waiting for some fun and smiles
And will take it even if only for awhile
I will try to be smart if I can
Creating some cushioning for when I land

But smart can be hard when you don’t stop to think
And certainly hard when you melt at a wink
But I won’t be afraid to take chances anymore
Even at the risk of losing a bit of my heart once more

Because a heart can be bruised
However chance may be few
As smart or as stupid as this idea may be
I am taking this chance on you
*

Oh she loved the lines around his mouth

Questions....

How do you know when someone who has wronged you has done enough to be forgiven. When is it time to let go? Or if you have let go and moved on, then is all not forgiven? After all it is almost forgotten.
If you give the wrong-doer in question another shot than is it your fault if it ends up being a re-run of the last time? You are certainly the one left looking stupid. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Or, break my heart and I will break your face. Oh wait, I'm trying not to be that tough single girl anymore. Although a smart single girls is better than an being a fool. Although I have had a lot of fun being foolish. But I suppose eventually the fun will wear out..... one day. I am not looking to any answers to these questions, I was simply just putting it out there.

Lie to me and hold me close Tell me that you love me even though you don't The rule is don't you ever even talk about Forever but you never say never

Room for Improvement

As much as I write what I want, who I think I am and who I want to be, there are times when that just flys out the window. I have a feeling (okay, I know) that I constantly give off the "eternally-single" vibe. Which I do not want. Hopefully I have only done this because I would rather be single then with the people I have met, but what if the right one comes along and I miss out on it because I am so confortable in my bachlorette-mode that they write me off. I have thought about this before but have time and time again realized things I have said or done only condridict what I am truly after. I guess I have to work a little harder and make some changes, and shut my big mouth once in a while.
That's the other thing.. I'm a: "too loud, challenging, beer-drinking, cigar-smoking bachorlette" As it was kindly point out by my mother. She says she hopes I drop that soon, or not act like that around someone I really like. As much as I would like to chalk it up to the fact that I haven't met that person yet I do need to start working on some etiquette and lady-likeness. Because old habits die hard and it might be too late soon. Time to peel away this protective layer, my proud single girl attitude to make room for something more.
Wish me luck, I know I am going to need it this time!
The Hopeless Romantic xox

In the heat of the summer sunshine....

I think this burst of sun has my mind leaping towards summer thoughts. Or perhaps leaping back. If I close my eyes and let the sun beat down on m I can live in my memory for a moment. I was recently watching something where I heard that "Memories can live on as long as we are alive". So I will from time to time, because there are although there are few good ones, the good ones are oh so good.

*
In the Summertime

A summer love is unlike the rest
A summer heart beats wildly in my chest
The days are longer
And love in stronger
In the summertime

A summer love can start so fast
Knowing that summer love can not last
So I will love all I can in that short time
With the one I call mine
In the summertime

A summer love can get hotter than the sun
Discovering passions as fiery as blood runs
Devouring each moment before the autumn chill
Because I can only seem to find that thrill
In the summertime

However this summer heart seems to beat all year
And I wish my summer love was here
What I wouldn’t give for a summers kiss
And all the other things I miss
About the summertime
*

So until the summertime... The Hopeless Romantic xox

Lonelily

Life is great, and busy, and fun! Then I slow down for a second and remember that I am lonely. Not in a bad way, just alone. I suspect if I ever do fall in love, this blog will cease, because I won’t want to spend a minute describing how good things are because I will be living and loving it. So be thankful, as a blog reader it hasn’t happened yet, even though I am not a faithful blogger these days.
Back to being lonely, it’s the moments when I see a couple share that smile, the one that says you want each other, in more ways than one. A gentle embrace that you don’t have to think about, it just happens because your bodies want it to. Sometimes I forget about those little moments because I have gone so long without them. Then I see those moments shared between people and I remember that I long for that. I long for someone to want me, and be there when I want them. Someone to smile at and know they are thinking or feeling the same thing as me.
Last blog I said nothing worth it was easy. And of course sometimes easy is just fun, but nothing like fun and easy encounters to remind you that what you really want and tough and worth it. And I’ve learned that that theory applies to a lot more in life than just love. I have been trying to become the best me I know how lately. But some days I think why bother? I want to give up, but achieving this is just one step towards where I want to end up. And hopefully once I arrive there I can start to get the other things I desire. Like someone to share that special smile with.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox
Ps.. I’m not feeling so hopeless these day, with improvement as my main focus, in the backdrop I just feel like good things are about to happen, I will embrace them with open arms!

She reached for Stars that were really just cheap lights

Please excuse my videos in place of a blog post. I am so busy, but life is great, hence the lack of my writing. I have yet to find what I am looking for romantically, but have come to conclusion that I am OK with that now. For the time being.
I've always given myself, willingly, in search of love. I have recently read a passage in a book and had to pause, because it reminded me of myself so much that I could have written it. Here it is (two actually):
(1) "Give me wild, soaring, indefinite, and unpredictable. That is what is real."
Now I have thought about this quote, and it is exciting, adventurous, and perhaps everything I think I am looking for. But it is these bold moves that in the end leave you hesitant to risk it all again.
(2) "She had fallen in love too hard and too wrong. Traveled far and wide to escape herself. Reached for stars that were really just cheap lights. Her longing was deep and eternal: she knew she would be searching for love until she found it."
Now of course looking for love until it satisfies you is not a crime. However, reaching for those cheap lights and pretending there are stars is. I have sold myself short too many times. Everyone says "Nothing worth it is easy." And I have learned that things that come too easy certainly are not worthy, nor what I am looking for at this point. It is the things that you have to work for, even though they seem unworthy. In the end all that hard work and patience will pay off.
I suppose I am contradicting myself from one quote to the next, but perhaps it is because I have not found my balance yet. I don't want to be reaching for those cheap lights, yet I don't want to blinded by the true stars so much that I am making wrong choices.
Until I figure it all out:
The Hopeless Romantic xox

You're going to wish you, Never had met me

Here Comes the Sun!

Finally, some sunshine! Like a ray of hope! I feel with the approach of spring and the melting of the snow I am slowly waking up! And I love it! As the snow melts and the world awakes I feel I will become more alive. Like the grass and the flowers, slowly waking up, so is whatever it is that makes me the me I love. The sun seems to be melting this shell I was wearing for months. I am excited to get moving and get living!
Live Love Laugh!

In the depth of winter I found within me lays an eternal summer

Still carrying with me the winter funk I try to remind myself of the time of year when I feel most alive. Try to invoke the sun into my thought process and spirit. I am so ready to feel alive again, not drudge through each day hoping to wake up and find the sunlight that warms my soul. Time to light that fire and let the warmth begin. I can feel the love start flowing again. Not towards any person, but just in general. I have rediscovered my love for reading for hours, and for the first time the love of a hot shower. I have always showered for necessity. I have be marveled at for my ability to shower fast, but recently i have showered for the love of feeling the hot water run over me, perhaps in its own way warming my soul. Just little things, simple joys have reminded me to let the love flow all the time, not just when the time is right. Maybe in this simplicity I will find love being drawn to me, or myself being drawn to it.
Hot showers and books.. maybe I am truly hopeless.

Happy Valentines!

Ahh, the day of love is upon us. I painted my nails, wore red with a flower in my hair, ate chocolates and handed out my cards. I smiled and told everyone I saw Happy Valentine's. I am a sucker for any Holiday, this being one of my favorite being the hopeless romantic I am, also red is my favorite color so I really got to flaunt it. But, my heart wasn't in it as always, but I still enjoy any day that celebrates love, not so much the commercial aspect which people can get a hate on for, but just the idea in general! I can't wait until i can revel in the light of someone else's love for me, not just one day a year, but everyday. Even though sometimes it feels like I might never find that, when I do actually think about it, it makes me smile.
Although lately I have been surrounded by a lot of negativity when it comes to love, I refuse to let that change my view on true love. Here is my favorite love quote. It happens to be from the bible and you have probably heard it at every wedding you have even been too, but I feel in love with it before I knew that. Someone bought my a journal with bible verses in it for inspiration and there it was, this is what I want some day.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails "
Until I find that I suppose I am still hopeless :)
Happy Valentine's Day! xox

Winter Funk

Time to ditch this winter funk I am stuck in. Where all I want to do is curl up and chill.. every day ALL day!! I am engulfed by this sluggish feeling of BLAH! I need to move, need to think, need to smile!! I can already feel myself slowly coming out of it (thank goodness) but I really got to push it now! My weight-loss goal has been deterred, I need to get on track and get moving! I think some fresh air will do me good and besides I got a wedding to look sexy for, and time is creeping up fast! I need some motivation and inspiration, if I need to provide it for myself then so be it. Here I go, wish me luck!

Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic

I thought that if I could write it all out, in plain sight for me to see then perhaps I can recognize the error of my ways. Perhaps next time this list will pop into my head and I will not be adding another negative entry to it. Although it mostly reads like a bad track record, though there were a few high points, a few keepers (which obviously I did not keep). But here it is, the Chronicles of the Hopeless Romantic.
1. Mr. Perfect – As in Mr. too perfect, at 15 he had our whole lives planned out, and it scared me so I bailed. As punishment I will probably never find someone as sweet, attentive and caring ever again.
2. The Cheater/Jerk/Soul-Crusher – Ok, so maybe I am giving him too much credit. Like myself he did have his high points (mostly high times though: p) I believe this is the reason I am scarred when it comes to love. Before this point I still had that innocence, the fresh feeling towards having new love. I still get it sometimes, but it is tainted by knowing the inevitable. I may have picked up some trust issues around here as well.
3. The one that got away – I have nothing bad to say here, he came along when I needed him, renewed my faith in love and let me experience the ultimate summer romance. Maybe if he had never come along when he did I wouldn’t BE such a hopeless romantic, but I will never be sorry for that.
4. **2 YR love-free period** I think this time off left me forgetting what a nice guy was really like
5. The one that secretly had a girlfriend – Well it wasn’t always a secret, but once I knew was when I started overlook faults to try and make myself happy. And here begins my downfall. After this as punishment I went on a vow of celibacy for 18 months. I wanted to wait for someone to mean something, someone special. Then came….
6. The Married One – “Separated” and getting a divorce, but of course all lies. *Also a cheater* Just so you know, old doesn’t mean wise, or good at really anything, like having fun. After being cheated on once again I wasn’t so sure waiting for someone special was such a good idea or worth it all. I had really thought I found something here, was completely blind, stupid and one of those girls everyone feels sorry for. After this begins looking for love in all the wrong places.
7. The Guitar Player – One of the good ones. Ideally my perfect guy, plays guitar, writes poems, sweet and funny, likes to cuddle and have a good time. Also likes moving, hard to keep a hold on someone who is always on the go. So I let go.
8. Mr. Nice Guy – Ultimately someone I should want after being so disappointed. Nice, great, would give you the shirt off his back. But I didn’t want it, I couldn’t find myself attracted to the one person who I should have been. Bad timing I guess.
9. Everyone Else – Then there is all the flirtations and flings and something’s that were really nothing. At some point I did fall for one of these no ones. (Maybe two) The ones I had pegged as “love em and leave em”. Of course this was a mistake leaving me feeling sillier than ever. I should have known better than to fall when no one has promised to catch me.

And there it is, I have been stupid in love, not quite in love and just stupid. I have been the stereo typical girl, tried to pull off loving like a man does, and have ended up still not sure what I want. I know I want someone, I know I want love, but perhaps this not knowing exactly what I want is why I have tried with all the wrong ones. I have no idea how to decide or to find what I want and need. After reviewing this list I think I am still as hopeless as ever. Oh well.

Oops, I did it again

Of course I did. I can never seem to take the lessons I learn and apply them. I can read a book, write a test and ace it. Real life, not so much. Those of you who have heard some of the chances I’ve taken and have had to listen after the end result are probably shaking their heads. I am too, at least that is a step in the right direction, although the repeat mistake has already been made. But hey, I’m catching on. Perhaps not as fast as I would like to, but I am getting there. Maybe next time I won’t ignore the signs and won’t pretend this one isn’t just like all the others. Etta James sang a song “Fool that I am”. To say that I can relate is an understatement. I am a pro at overlooking the bad to find the good in people. And usually the good I am looking for is not really there, just the hope I have that the next person who looks my way could more than just a brief encounter. Constantly I am settling for less than I want, and deserve. Somehow convincing myself I can make do on that. Which of course is a lie, which I always believe, in turn results in sometimes more than a slight disappointment. I guess that is why the call it crush, because a little crushed is how you are left feeling. There is that taste of infatuation, the one at the beginning of “something” that makes you feel foolish and makes you think about future days. Then BAM, just kidding, it is not happening. However in one way I am growing/learning is not too feel quite so much, which leaves me feeling not so hurt. mostly just a little stupid. But of course I always encourage taking chances, and learning from the experience. I recently heard that experience is another word for a mistake. Although this is not always true I certainly agree that sometimes yes, it is just a fancy word for I fucked up again. In the words of Bob Dylan, “The only thing I knew how to do way to keep on keeping on.”
Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic

Yeah if I could press play, rewind a couple million times Imagine for a moment that you’re all mine

When it all comes undone, Baby you're the only I run to... I run to you

I'm sure you've heard of him, the one that got away, my constant summer love. The one I measure everyone up to. I've recently learned it is not that I am ever comparing in the beginning of things, but just in the end. When things don't work out, when I feel wronged or I get hurt is when I compare others to him. The one who never hurt me, never turned away, even if he can't be there for me romantically, he is always a friend. Letting me down easily, bringing me a smile and raising my spirits, and sometimes hope.
But that's not really fair, thinking that I want that back again whenever something doesn't work out. He is my tub of ice cream. After it's done it hasn't really made me feel better and I am left with a bitter regret. I think I want that back, ask him if he ever thinks of it, thinks of me. He never turns me away or tells me to back off, so time and time again I run to him. Stirring up something that only exists in the summer when we were 17. I think it feels safe for me, wanting to care about someone who is so far away geographically. I can keep him close to me with a safe distance. I can care for him, but not get too close, reducing my risk of a broken heart.
I won't lie, the feelings will always be there, and I will always think of him fondly, and more so at times when I am lonely, or a little drunk. But it is not the answer, hopefully typing this will help me realize that and break the cycle. But maybe there is no hope for the hopeless. And if there is one thing I AM sure of, it is that, how utterly hopeless I really am.
- The Hopeless Romantic

*
Kisses on my shoulder
Arms holding me near
And just for a moment
I can forget my fear

I will let you in for just a moment
Let’s pretend it’s something more
Before I ask you to leave
And make sure you lock the door

I let your fingers lock with mine
For I was weakened when you make me gasp
But I let myself forget the moment
And pretend my hand was all you clasped

For this heart of mine belongs to me
I shall handle it with care
Pretend you desire it all you want
But give it I do not dare

Kisses on my shoulder
Arms holding me near
And though it was a blissful moment
I will not forget my fear
*