Last Christmas I gave you my Heart

Too good to be true?

As I try and find a way back to myself, I have considered all the things I  must do to get there. I knew thinking about treatment options was something that I could not avoid forever, so I made some choices in order to move forward. Like a rubber band snapping back into place, I feel alive again. Not little by little, but all at once. It was really quite alarming and overwhelming.

"I feel really happy, and really scared that it isn't going to last." I told my mom with tears in my eyes. It is a little strange to feel like yourself again, after so long. It is as if there was a stranger inhabiting my body this whole time, or as if a part of me was asleep, and has finally awoken. I feel a little disorientated, and cautious. Cautious, because for me, good things have not tended to last.

It can't be that simple can it? After years of searching have I finally found my balance? Have I kept that inner spark glowing long enough to finally ignite the flame? Or is it simply one of those last hurrahs, like when a sick person gets one last burst of energy before kicking the bucket?

 I suppose only time will tell, but as keeper of my own fate, I will guide it in my favor when I can.

Sunday Secrets

Although I try my very best to be in the moment and enjoy what I can, it is sometimes easier to find peace in tomorrow, in what comes next. As an optimist I am always sure that next year will be better, next season will bring more happiness. That may not be beneficial to someone who feels so much sadness, but that little bit of hope and optimism elevates it a bit. So, I will savour that hope and still try to ensure I am not letting those happy moments pass me by.

When I say I hope for more, I am not being selfish or greedy. More for me just means a day filled with happiness, followed by another, and hopefully a few more after that. More would be to crack my heart open a little more and finally let someone else in, to be able to trust my decisions and value my worth.

The life I live is smaller than I imagined, but I am learning to love it.

#postsecrets #classicsecrets #sunday

The one that makes me think of you...

In light of my last post.. it wasn't all bad. Cheers to focusing on the good moments, may they outshine the bad!

When people just get you #birthday #29 #flowers #wine #whiskey #afewofmyfavouritethings

29

I tried to let my birthday quietly pass me by. I did not want to celebrate this last year of my life. When I look back on how many times I have tried to pull myself back together again, I still cannot prevent myself from breaking down. Each time is deeper and harder to pull myself out of, and I was ashamed that I had not yet been able to do so. But when the day came I gained a little more strength, because those who love me celebrated me when I couldn't. My eyes were opened to the people whose lives I was still able to touch even when I am down, the people who lift me up when I am exhausted and cannot explain why. 

I try to find the eternal optimist that used to preside within me, she would say a birthday is another time for a new beginning, a whole year for things to happen and for life to surprise you. I have stopped looking for the surprises, when it was something that made life delightful for me. Delightful... I can't remember the last time I felt that, but maybe this year I will. 

Cheers to my constant reminders. "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." I am finding my voice again, my song, and hopefully balance, so this sadness will not constantly consume me. May 29 be better.. I'd like to have my shit together my 30 :p

My God You`re Beautiful

I always knew I was a weirdo

This sums it up perfectly...

I didn't know that I was starving until I tasted you

Naz

For the Free Spirited Female with a Fiercely Sensitive Heart

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/for-the-free-spirited-females-with-fiercely-sensitive-hearts/

Like your mama, the heart knows best

Looking back, I am not sure why I doubted what my heart already knew. Through sadness and rebuilding, my heart always knew what it really wanted, and to question myself on whether or not I knew when something was right was a waste of wondering. Between my heart and my gut, I know when something is right, and when something is wrong.

I have second guessed my feelings in the past and ended up sticking it out because I had found some comfort. If I have learned anything, it is to walk away when you know it is not quite right, not hope to find what you are looking for... eventually.

I remember this time last year, to finally have had that need of being held filled, and forgetting what that longing for it had felt like. But with that longing returning I more than ever want to make sure the next embrace is more than just a warm refuge. I need a warm heart and kind soul, an understanding and open mind. Plus sparks on top of that. That isn't too much to ask is it?

At one point the idea of finding someone seemed intimidating, and still sometimes is. But the idea of finding the one who will make all the longing and wondering disappear is really an exciting adventure, one that I will regret if I shy away from. So I need to learn to trust my heart and gut, let go when needed and follow my heart when something excites it.

Through all the rain and sadness, love is the one thing that has always kept the embers going, and as that glow warms, and drives the rain away I find more pieces of myself I have been looking for. May that fire burn strong in the months ahead.

The one thing....

https://youtu.be/b4Bj7Zb-YD4

Sunday Secrets

A big thanks to all the loves in my life who remind me who I am when I forget. there is always a special place in my heart for people like that.

Said I wouldn't do it, but I did it again

When it hurts this good, you gotta play it twice...

Now you're just somebody that I used to know....

Sometimes I like cliches.

Every once in a while I will think of him, someone will mention him or ask me how he is. It's always a moment of shock, because he has finally left my heart and mind. I tried so hard to move on so quickly, I should have known it would happen when my heart was ready. I think I couldn't rush it because for me it was love, hence the moment of shock I feel. For he is now forgotten, someone I had made so much room for in my heart is part of my past. I have managed to fill the void left, but sometimes the echo of what was sneaks in for a beat or two.

There are whole days saved in my mind.. not that many, but those memories are still there. For a while I believed what everyone told me, that I never really loved him, that I just wanted to be with someone. But when those days replay in my mind and that shock strikes my belly it is because I had finally opened my heart, and I was truly in love for a moment in time. So sometimes I still grieve that loss, I resent the void I had to fill to stop my heart from breaking, and cry. But then, I dry my tears and make sure my patch work is holding up.

As I move on from my past may I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I knew I wanted to move on, my heart took a little longer to get on board, but I am finding the calm in the choice I did not have.

My Saving Graces

Humour

Friendships

Lasting and loyal

Family 

Passion

Saved me from turmoil

Love

Concern

Constant and persistent

Patience

Understanding 

Of my protective distance 

Guiding hands

Open arms

Send me on the mend

Sunshine 

Colours

As I come alive again

Doubt

How often I doubt myself, that never used to be the case! I am not sure when it began, but it has become a habit. I never used question anything I did, or even think about it before it happened. I was confident that things would always work out, and they always did. I wouldn't second guess when to move on from something, I always just instinctively knew I had satisfied my curiosity and was ready to find out something new. I am calling out all my bad habits that having been nagging at my soul and character, so they too can be lightened as I find my way again.

I never used to be sad before I began doubting myself, but I was also ignorant of how many heartbreaks life could hold for a sensitive heart. However, I recently learned about the power of optimism, and how you to be able to recognize it, learn how to seek it out, and eventually how to grow it. There is always going to be sadness and suffering, but to let it into my daily life so often is making for a life not lived. I want to not only always see the glass half full, but top it off in a fancy cup.

I already feel a bit lighter and happier and am finding things that satisfy the idea of growth and healing and I want to achieve. May the road ahead be a bit smoother than the road in the review mirror.

My New Year

Laughing until we were breathless.. Never felt anything so reckless

The Phoenix must burn to emerge

Phoenix (noun): 

• A mythical bird of great beauty fabled to have lived 500-600 hundred years ago in the Arabian Wilderness. It would burn itself on a funeral pyre, and rise from its ashes in the freshness of young and live through another cycle of years. Often an emblem of immortality or of reborn idealism or hope.
• A person that has become renewed or restored after suffering calamity or apparent annihilation

I like this is a metaphor. Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, no matter how many times I burn it down, I still need to rise. I need to find a way to do this so I come out refreshed and restored, not begrudging the fact that I need to start over again. I need an adjustment on my outlook, I always feel I am weighing the negatives of every situation, and letting bad first impressions be cemented. This will not do, I need a mindset that is open to growth, or this small town's small mind will swallow me whole. I need to rise and not worry about how long it will be until my next crash. I am looking to break the cycle and find more balance.

I can feel my out look changing with the seasons, as my favorite time of year is approaching. I want to carry the joy of the seasons with me from one into the next. Rise without having weights pulling me down, for I am sick of the view from down here. It's time to not only survive, but thrive in the process. If I end up having to rise from the ashes againat some point again then I will, more renewed and hopeful than the last time.

Is dating a skill?

So dating. I think I missed the boat on how to act natural in such a situation. I've never gone out with someone and not ended up in a serious relationship. So this idea of navigating through personalities to find a good fit is new. At what point is it fair to say you've given it enough time to decide what a good fit is? How do I not ignore red flags? I always thought I had a good gut instinct.. But past romances have proved that wrong. 

Being wooed makes me feel awkward, like someone who can't take a compliment... And planning something to do with someone you don't know is a skill I am lacking! But I vowed to take more chances and be sure to not let life pass me by, so I'll try and learn some new skills and see what pans out.

I didn't know my own strength

How funny and fleeting life can be. I always said I was going to get my shit together when I was 30, get serious about life. My cousin, 29 like me, is now a widow. She's built a whole and full life and now must face the idea of a different ending. Tragedy really brings what is important, or lack there of, to the fore front. I remembered how strong I can be when strength was needed. Even through it was in the face of sadness, the love that radiated from this family of ours and the community showed me the peace in strength, and strength in numbers.

Weak moments and days have flooded me lately, but the harder I try the stronger I become. I am more self aware of how important self care is, and find myself waking up a bit stronger and less exhausted. I am making a concious effort to be more engaged in all the little moments, and hope my heart softens to the heavy hardness I've been carrying around. 

I'm taking chances, not any leaps or bounds, but I'm more aware of how precious our moments really are. My spirit may be tired, but I would not be honouring my true self if I lead a life void of meaning or joy. It may end up being a more quiet life than I imagined but I long for content and peace, purpose and passion.

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him.. Winter just isn't my season

In Betweens

I am Amazing

We're on each other's team

But a faint spirit haunting the memory of a body

I heard an actress say this line during a Netflix binge and wondered if this is an appropriate answer to give when people ask how I am doing. For I know I am long past the phase of faking it until I make it, and my sadness shows on my face and aches in my bones. I know who I was and who I want to be, yet I am stuck in this limbo of either grief or hollowness, carrying around the empty shell of a former self. Whatever I was doing to keep myself a float, that constant falling and pulling myself back up is broken, it is no longer working and happiness seems further away than ever.

Now that I've admit it, and it is in the process of sinking in, I know the next step will be work. But it's either that or something I know I won't be able to face. Perhaps I am broken so I can put myself back  together in a way that eases and pleases my heart and soul. Like taking a house and tearing it down to its bones so you can rebuild a home that is yours. Such a tedious project is surely worthy of patience and care, for the end result is always a wonderful reveal.

I am tired and sad, but still hopeful. I know how loved I am and who is in my corner, that is always with me. I think I just need a little more help than that.

Pinterest & Coffee Mornings

The meanest thing you ever did is come around....

He was my upside down Tarot cards, my postcard from Paris. It was a sike out of what I really wanted. I always try to believe everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I think I would have been okay if he had never crossed my path. I don't need to burn any bridges for the journey is always forward, but I certainly don't need to cross them again, especially when there are so many bright promises on the road ahead.

It is not your average heart, but it is mine

Post 100 Happy Days

I know my 100 happy days are over, but when someone gets you a gift that is completely you, that is one of my favourite things.

Cheers* 

Dancing has always been my answer

& I have always been so good at burning it the hell down....

Winner

Baby let`s stay home

August 13th

I woke up with a heavy heart, followed by heavy tears. I was about to write it off as just another horrible day until I remembered what day it really was. The day you left us. Summer will now always hold a slight sadness of missing you but today I am drowning in it. I cannot find comfort in others for I am afraid of dragging them down into my melancholy. I cannot visit you where you lay now or mourn in the church where I had to say my final good bye. Yet I feel anxious and guilty I cannot do these things to make everyone else happy. I cannot find you there because you are with me and I can only miss you the way I know how to. I know I feel thing so much deeper than most, but I've learned I cannot change that. May you rest in peace and eventually maybe I can find mine here. 

Until we meet again.

I wasn't ready then, I'm ready now, I'm heading straight for you

Shine On

How do I love thee? ... Not much

I loved you because my lonely heart had shattered 

From all the loss it was broken and tattered

Your love felt like the perfect mend 

If what I only know now I was aware of then

But you smiled and wooed

And with your kind gestures you fooled

So I loved like I do 

Yet never truly loved you

I loved what you promised but never delivered

I loved all the sparks that quickly fizzled

But I stayed because I wanted a hand to hold

So I turned off my thoughts and pulled on the blindfold 

Sometimes I would dream of a love so true

Then mourned when I awoke for I could never have that with you

For you cannot cage a wild thing

And I regret ever letting you clip my wings

I realized I don't need to find my way again

I knew it all along just like an old friend 

Though the road less traveled may seem long
A loving heart is never lonely for long ;)

Mighty Superior

Love snapping the north shore anytime I can! #Rossport #Highway17 #LakeSuperior #NorthShore

I love me most

After waiting this long, I've learned to enjoy my own companionship. When someone comes along whose company I enjoy just as much then things may change :)

Every summer has it's story

& a picture is worth a thousand words #cliche

100 Happy Days

DAY 100!! I didn't miss a day, and every day was not amazing, but there was still something to be grateful for! Cheers to my 4th #100happydays challenge!

Reaping what you sow

& getting a salad out of the deal ;)

There's a new wind blowing like I've never known....

I'll be your Emmylou & I'll be your June

Just sing little darling sing to me <3

Knowledge & Wisdom

I get daily inspirations sent to my email.. This one really caught my eye today. In order to make room to learn more you must let go of what has already served its purpose.

Then keep on keeping on.

Well my Mama said there'd be days like this

Summer & I in all our glory

Welcome! Xo

You must not know about me

Love, History & Stars

My mind and my heart are no longer filled with him. There are no songs that are off limits, or surprise feelings throwing off my day. I've been exhausted and sleeping lots lately, but every time I wake up I feel more like myself. I can't remember what he looks like anymore, it's all fuzzy. My body does not remember his, and my hands do not reach out anymore, they are so tired of holding on.

My days are filled with kids, sunshine, lakes, friends. And as the the days turned to weeks and finally months, so many people have told me how much happier I seem. I am. I will never be the chipper, energetic, social butterfly I was once as a teen, but I am loving this mellow, caring, deep thinking woman I am at the moment. My circle may be a bit smaller, but it still extends to all I need in my life. My circle is tight and strong, they understand and let me experience my periods of rest, and dance the night away with me when I am restored. 

Every time I let myself hit rock bottom, or come close, then put myself back together, its a little different. If you at one point helped break me, then you do not get to see how I put myself back together. I know I can be harsh but there is no more room in the circle, only for the people who appreciate the mosaic that I am becoming. I will never fit into a box or someone else's vision, mine is too strong. It has to be a pretty exciting adventure to entice me, and life has to be flexible enough to allow it.

Cheers to freedom and flexibility.

My heart may bleed, but then it heals

Most girls want to be a princess, but I am going to be a Queen

Radio Silence

Summer lovin'

Do whatever makes your soul happy

#gardening #flowers #herbs #summer #deck

Upside

Nobody wants painful. I don't think that's what people think about when the envision what they want in their future. But the big secret to life is that life is painful, how you deal with the pain reflects your character.

The upside to knowing pain is the ability to appreciate the joy that follows. Before this pain that bruised my heart, there was the lingering pain of loss, and when you add it all up its really been years. And I feel like painful years are like dog years, they feel so much longer than 365 days. So long that sometimes I forgot how good happy really feels.

So when that tingle dances in my belly, my foot taps to the beat, or I smile in the sun, I am truly present and grateful in that moment. After losses and heartbreak it is a relief to not only feel lighter, but enlightened by what truly delights me, and thankful I have the freedom to explore that. Cheers.

I think I am finding my balance...

Night & Day