Feelin' Myself

Okay, so I thought it hadn't hit me until the second week... but it was this week, and reflecting back even I can see this week was a bit much, Even I'm sick of hearing about this. Life goes on no matter what, and you are either a spectator or making things happen. I think I have taken the role of the spectator in the past, but no more. Even though these past few weeks have been hard, never have I ever wanted to come out on top so badly. This really is a chance to steer the direction I want my journey to take.

I will try my best to mourn any grief that comes my way quietly, but really celebrate the joy. I am happy to be relieved of judgement, I am relieved I do not know what is going to happen next because I want life to surprise me with something amazing, and I am excited to grow rather than loose pieces of myself. I am excited to move forward, to smile and love again. I got this.

I feel messy and torn

Sometimes life takes you places you don't want to go... Example I had to drive all over your neighbourhood for work today, and as expected it felt like a good gut punch. The problem with someone who made you happy is what your left with when they go... The opposite of happy. You really filled me with so much joy at one point I got comfortable and decided to stay, even when the joy started to fade. I thought this was it and we were in it for the long haul, I never imagined us ending, but it did and now I miss it so much. But even though I'm missing you so bad I feel it in my bones, I still can't see us back together. I think deep down I know this is right, which may be the only reason I haven't begged you to stay.. But I'm still tempted. I want an early Friday night and a lazy Saturday morning. I miss when you would give me the chance to do something I had never done before, and love me like I hadn't been loved before. I was finally ready for my first love and first real dates, and so many more firsts. I hope you know how appreciated so many of those moments were for me and how sad I am to not have those anymore.

But I also hope you know being good to me doesn't mean I owe you, you are above me, or I have to agree with all you say and do. I tried to be someone you could see yourself with but that may never be enough, and I wouldn't be able to be true to myself. Yet still a part of me wants to have no shame and find a way back into your arms, and that bitch keeps fighting my dignity and self control. 

So I write, I cry, and tell myself all the reasons we can't be together. Then do it all again in a few days when I feel worn out and beaten down. But it's hard, and I miss you. I'm scared to go on alone and start over, but apparently if it scares you its one of those things in life you should do, a leap of faith or whatever. Wish me luck.

Stormy Weather, Since my Man and I ain't Together... Keeps Raining all of the Time

And by rain I mean tears. Remember that time you showed me how you listen to sad music when you are down, to get it all of your system? Here's hoping it works. It's fair to say I'm blue today. Mix that in with Thirsty Thursday, a little bit of hormones and the actual Blues.. the music that is, and this may not be the last post today. Fair warning.

When you told me you didn't need me anymore, You know I nearly fell down and died....

I'm free and I love to be Free

The only thing that could be better than this would be if I could be completely loved for my freedom & uniqueness. Completely and utterly, like it felt in the beginning. If only you could...

I'll be missing you

How strange it is to be falling out of love when exactly a year ago we were doing to opposite. As the days pass my memories align the days with those days that were spent with you. I am cursing my memory that refuses to let me forget a thing. Our first dinner, our first walk, pizza, kiss, fart. Then I am struck by the moments that were our last ones, only at the time I did not know they would be. I wish our last moments were vibrant and amazing and unforgettable, but they were just another day that have blended into all the others. Mostly I wish I did not have to deal with any of this, face the up coming days alone, mourn the ones that have passed and will never occur again. I think I've made it through the pass few days and weeks pretty good, but when I think about all the ones ahead I have to face alone I feel so tired and frustrated, so alone and sad. The idea of forgetting you feels so daunting, I still remember how it feels to be in your arms, the way you house smells when I first walk in the door, how messy your car is... anything and everything is a constant echo of what was. These worries and words come out with the tears, as they leave my mind and heart just as the tears leave my eyes I can only hope to be slightly relived of this, this strange sad feeling that has found me since you left. I may be trying my best to move on, but it doesn't mean I am not missing you every step forward I take.

Wild hearts can't be tamed

Thank You

As the days continue on I find the disbelief has faded away, as has the pain. As the days keep going the less and less I can picture us together, and the more I feel like myself. I am thankful you were brave enough to do what I never would have done. Brave enough to end something that was not serving us a purpose anymore.

I hope you know how much there is that I am thankful for. Thankful you came into my life like a whirlwind and knocked down my walls. Thankful you loved me, even if just for a short while. You showed me I can be with someone and be good at it, and at the end of the day that is what I really want. You gave me a taste of that and now I know this heart was meant for loving. You made me feel beautiful and confident, you pushed me to the best that I could be. I am just getting started, you may not like that the best person I can be does not fit into your vision but I am still thankful for her, because now I can build my own vision. This may not have worked, but know I am still thankful.

100 Happy Days - 1 Week Down

Day 1 - Fresh baked bread

Day 2 - Set up the Deck

Day 3 - Wise words for a small bag

Day 4

  Day 5 - Lockets & Lace

Day 6 - Getting Garden Ready

Day 7 - Amazing Gracie & Her Fairy God Mother :)

*Be sure to follow me on instagram to see my #100happydays @freespirittatum

I'm too old to go chasing you around... wasting my precious energy

I more than anyone understand the pain of letting go, the pang you feel in the absence of the time we had spent together. But you chose to end that, and if you chose to make such a big decision you better be ready to stand by it. I suppose that is what I do not understand, the need to talk after the fact, to hear my voice and enjoy the pleasure of my conversation. Because in those conversations is easy to forget for a moment where we now stand. You are either with me or you are not. I've never understood the saying you can't have your cake and eat it too, but you can't. Not this chocolate cake anyways. If you ever feel like you have questions about us, what happened, then by all means ask. If you miraculously change your mind, let me know and we'll talk. But I can't small talk with you all the details of my life that you no longer want to be a part of. I'm sorry, and I feel guilty. How hard it is to tell a friend they are no longer good for you, for your happiness, I imagine you felt the same way two weeks ago. But oh well... it is what it is.

I found my answer in your hesitation

After waking up with sun and much coffee and pinterest this is my current mood. Hoping some fresh air, errands and yard work will fix that,... *fingers crossed*

Now That You're Gone I am Free... Free to make a Mess of Everything

"I'm a missing person, I've lost it all but my name. I'm afraid some long lonely road will lead me back you again."

Happy Earth Day

Be mindful, be gentle 

It's hard to Dance with the Devil on your Back so Shake It Out

It's always darkest before the dawn

Freedom's Just Another Word for Nothing Left to Loose

I think I have reached the point where there is nothing left to say. It is what it is. I was delivered a blow from the last person I expected it from. It caught me off guard, but you can't fight the current. If I've learned anything, it's to go with the flow with ease. If anything I feel a little foolish for falling for the first person I took a chance with in 10 years.. at least falling so hard. Was I fool to soak in all the dinners, flowers, day trips and more? An idiot for believing my patience had paid off? I really thought I was finally getting my Fairy Tale. Oh well....

Some people thrive off always being with someone, serial monogamists. That space in between relationships is too hard, like they cannot be alone. I think I may be the opposite, the last year of my life was so out of the norm for me, I am finally back to normal. How silly of me to want so much from the person who made it seem like we were heading somewhere. How foolish of me to give away all the love I had been saving. Now I know better, now I can get back to the one who loves me most... me. I need a bit more time, but as the days go on I already feel like it was before. I will mourn the last year, but make sure it doesn't break me, because I still have a lot of living to do.

You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Post About You

Sorry... I couldn't resist :p

Well.. the universe kept me busy Monday and sick Tuesday. I think I made it through the day okay without being overwhelmed by tug-of-war taking place between my mind and my heart. I want to reach out, talk like we always had, and I find myself fighting that urge over and over again. Or talking myself into what I am willing to give up to make this work, or continuously pondering if we gave up to easily.

By now I think I have thought over everything I possibly could, replayed all the important and fantastic moments that have taken place over the last year, and grieved all the daydreams I had hoped would be our future. However it is very hard to grieve someone who is still here. I am overwhelmed hourly by the need to reach out and beg to be taken  back just to end this pain, but part of me holds me back hoping that once I am through the pain there is something better waiting for me, yet I am been unable to imagine what that could possibly be.

And I understand that it must have been hard to try and love someone who craves their alone time and difficult understanding that that time is not a reflection of how I was feeling about us. I don't need the constant companionship and company, yet I hope you know that doesn't mean I didn't love with all I had. I have always been a late bloomer, not in a rush to get to the finish line. I had hoped with a little patience I would fully bloom for you, like a seed that has been waiting for the spring... I didn't know there was an expiry date.

I can't reign in what I can't control, and these feelings that have grown and taken on a life of their own are out of control. I hope as I sort them all through in my mind, and cry them all out as I feel them, they will eventually dull and not beat like a throbbing reminder of what no longer is. But a broken heart still beats and I don't need someone holding my hand to move forward, so with a heavy heart and memories I will, and hope at some point during the journey the load will not feel so heavy.

100 Happy Days - Round 4

Well, I don't always admit it, but other people besides myself were right... It hadnt' hit me yet, but here it is. The shock has worn off and reality has set it. I feel a little like I have phantom limb syndrome. Mostly I just feel anxious for this pain to be gone and wonder what's next? Now that was expecting will not be happening, what will?

In the wise words of a friend "being an adult sucks, awful things happen and you still have to go to fucking work". How true! Even if Fleetwood Mac is on three radio stations and you burst into tears wondering if it's a sign or the universe is just playing a sick joke... Too bad 9am is here and work starts
. 

Just when I wanted to take a sick day and crawl under the covers and feel sorry for myself, absolutely everyone was sick, so no such luck. It's like the universe knew sulking was a bad idea and threw a crazy wild day in day in way, I was thankful for the distraction. I can't crawl under the covers now... I may stay under too long. Why slash the other three tires just because you got a flat, right? Upwards and onwards.

I think it's time for another "100 Happy Days Challenge". Round 4!  Day 1 - Fresh homemade ciabatta! #100happydays #day1 #homemade

Oh what I week. Originally my theory was if God can create the world in one week, than I can surly get over you in the same amount of time. But it is not just you I have to get over, it’s us. I don’t give my love often or easily because when I do I give it fiercely and passionately, and now I am having a hard time reeling it in. I may have not been able to express to extent of my love, for fear of what is happening now… loosing it all. And now I wish I had made the presence of my love more known and the intent of the future clear. But I have always just floated from stage to stage in life and just accepted what came, not chased it. And I am sorry I could not chase it hard enough. Although most of the time I feel I wanted to plant roots, more often I just want to fly and enjoy the view.

It’s hard to walk away from love when it still felt so good, but we both would have had to given up parts of ourselves that make us who we are. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Did we give it a good enough fight? I wanted answers and I got them, it makes it a little easier, but still sad. I felt this ended so abruptly because of conclusions based on snippets of what my intent or thoughts really were. And those conclusions were forgone before I had the chance to say no, that’s now where I was going with that. However, this past week I did the same thing. I felt like I was the only one hurting, when I now know that isn’t true, it isn’t easy for two people to walk away from a great thing. But it’s brave the let a good thing go knowing we could never be completely happy.

It would be easy to stay, not be true to ourselves and end up resenting each other. I would have sacrificed more, tried my best to make it work, and maybe lost parts of myself along the way, because I loved you. So perhaps it is good we don’t want to do that to each other and in the end let the other be the best they can be, even if it means being apart. At least I am hoping that is how this goes, or it may be a complete waste, and I can’t justify putting all my love in something that is just a waste in the end. I’d like to think at one point we were so much more.

So of course I don’t think this pain will end after 7 days. However, I was lucky to always have someone there no matter what. Not a day has passed without someone being there, comforting me and telling me I’ll be ok. They said “be strong, you’ll be okay, its better off, don’t you change…” so of course I took those things and ran with it. Acted like I was the strong independent girl with her walls up, the girl I was before you. But I will never be her again; you changed me, you let my walls fall down… for the better I’m hoping. But right now I feel I needed a part of my old self, the part that did it alone for 10 years and didn’t need anyone. I need her to carry me through until I am okay again, until I don’t feel I need you.

So don’t be offended if I seem like this isn’t killing me, because it is. But with the constant struggle of always trying to staying afloat being present in my mind, I cannot let this sink me; it simply is not an option. I act strong to protect my fragile happiness, but loving you and losing you is something that is now a part of my story and as always I will try to honor every chapter that has gotten me thus far. If we can respect each other enough the let each other go to be happy, then I feel like I better damn well make sure I do a good job, in this town you don’t get a fresh start too often, it may just be what I need.

Disclaimer: I can’t promise I won’t be totally pissed off tomorrow though.

Over When It's Over, Dammit baby dammit

I give myself one more day to post anything sad-ish.....

Hot mess

I think a fresh start needs a new wardrobe ;) shop, music, dance, sleep, repeat. Seem like legit adulting for now! 

You want me down on Earth, But I am up and Space*

Oh I don't need a hand to hold, Even when the night is Cold, I got that fire in my Soul

Life goals

How I plan on adulting the next little while....

Relief, it washed over me like a tidal wave today. Freedom, it called my name like an old friend. Happiness won over melancholy. The last 48 hours has felt like two weeks yet I feel lighter and more myself than I have in a while.

I feel like I had a slight stumble, and for a second it felt like I was going to crash and burn hard. Instead I found my footing quicker than I lost it and continued on with a skip in my step. 

There were things I had subconsciously closed the doors on because it would make that life smoother, but now as all those doors fly back open I am shocked at how many I let close and can't decide which one to choose first.

Just today I cooked up a storm, got my hands dirty planting, got a raise and made an appointment for a mortgage. Probably more than I've done in weeks, my soul has been lit afire again and it's going strong.

Welcome back old friend, I've been missing you. 

Feel it, Live it, Keep on Trucking

What do I do with this sweet love of mine?

I stepped out of my comfort zone. I broke those walls down. I let you in. Now with the rug swept out from under my feet I wonder... Do I leave these walls down? What do I do with all this love I have for you? There is no hate, minimal anger, yet all this love. I stepped out of comfort zone and created and new one around you, and suddenly I feel a little lost and off balance.

Yet at the same time I have not felt this much emotion in a while. I know I have been numb and slightly distant, but this sudden loss feels like it has ripped me open and things I have shoved deep down and forgotten about are coming pouring out. Who I was, and who I want to be. My longing for happiness and brute strength I have always had, and of course my longing for love.

I know I cannot take all this love and just give it to someone new, because it was our love and it was special, but I cannot hold onto it forever. I suppose like most things if not fed and nurtured it will wither up and slowly the pain will fade away. Yet at the same time I am not sure it it will take that long to heal, and perhaps that says something on its own. Something I was not ready to admit because I had stars in eyes and butterflies in my stomach. Of course I wanted this love to be so much more, and the fact that I am not getting that is what hurts me the most I think, the fact that it is not me you want for the future, the future I had dreamed up.

I am mourning a future that I know deep down I didn't really want. I know I need someone who will allow me to be as free as I need to be and be okay with it, I need someone who will take all my love and know how special it is, appreciate how much it takes for me to give it away and will cherish that.

It hurts now, and my comfort zone lines are all crossed... but I will be okay and find my way like always. I will be happy, be loved and always be me.

I gotta fly

You won't catch this free bird, I'll already be long gone <3

Well life sure is funny. There is no magic answer or person to make everything better, and sometimes the people you think may be a part of that answer are really just another part of the journey that are meant to show you all the things you love about yourself that you are not willing to sacrifice for another.

Its been a dark couple of weeks, even before the bad news. But I know somewhere deep down those sparks that used to light up my eyes and emanate from me are down in there, how strange it is that it takes such a loss for me to want to dig down and find it. I wish I could have done it for you and you could have saw me at my brightest, but if you can't handle the shadows than you may not deserve to bask in the glow of my love.

Being faced with continuing on this journey, beside me now empty feels trying, like I have a challenge ahead of me, but there is not a day I have not made it through yet. But that does not dull the pain that comes with losing someone you love, or the shock that things really were not as great as you thought. How long will it take for me to not want to reach out for you, or to train my mind not to day dream about the future we no longer have? Who knows, but my life motto this week is "Oh Well".

Don't want me anymore? Oh well...
Don't like all the life style choice I make? Oh Well...
Can't handle the fact that I do what I want? Oh well... someone will be able to.