Well.. the universe kept me busy Monday and sick Tuesday. I think I made it through the day okay without being overwhelmed by tug-of-war taking place between my mind and my heart. I want to reach out, talk like we always had, and I find myself fighting that urge over and over again. Or talking myself into what I am willing to give up to make this work, or continuously pondering if we gave up to easily.

By now I think I have thought over everything I possibly could, replayed all the important and fantastic moments that have taken place over the last year, and grieved all the daydreams I had hoped would be our future. However it is very hard to grieve someone who is still here. I am overwhelmed hourly by the need to reach out and beg to be taken  back just to end this pain, but part of me holds me back hoping that once I am through the pain there is something better waiting for me, yet I am been unable to imagine what that could possibly be.

And I understand that it must have been hard to try and love someone who craves their alone time and difficult understanding that that time is not a reflection of how I was feeling about us. I don't need the constant companionship and company, yet I hope you know that doesn't mean I didn't love with all I had. I have always been a late bloomer, not in a rush to get to the finish line. I had hoped with a little patience I would fully bloom for you, like a seed that has been waiting for the spring... I didn't know there was an expiry date.

I can't reign in what I can't control, and these feelings that have grown and taken on a life of their own are out of control. I hope as I sort them all through in my mind, and cry them all out as I feel them, they will eventually dull and not beat like a throbbing reminder of what no longer is. But a broken heart still beats and I don't need someone holding my hand to move forward, so with a heavy heart and memories I will, and hope at some point during the journey the load will not feel so heavy.