Oh what I week. Originally my theory was if God can create the world in one week, than I can surly get over you in the same amount of time. But it is not just you I have to get over, it’s us. I don’t give my love often or easily because when I do I give it fiercely and passionately, and now I am having a hard time reeling it in. I may have not been able to express to extent of my love, for fear of what is happening now… loosing it all. And now I wish I had made the presence of my love more known and the intent of the future clear. But I have always just floated from stage to stage in life and just accepted what came, not chased it. And I am sorry I could not chase it hard enough. Although most of the time I feel I wanted to plant roots, more often I just want to fly and enjoy the view.

It’s hard to walk away from love when it still felt so good, but we both would have had to given up parts of ourselves that make us who we are. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Did we give it a good enough fight? I wanted answers and I got them, it makes it a little easier, but still sad. I felt this ended so abruptly because of conclusions based on snippets of what my intent or thoughts really were. And those conclusions were forgone before I had the chance to say no, that’s now where I was going with that. However, this past week I did the same thing. I felt like I was the only one hurting, when I now know that isn’t true, it isn’t easy for two people to walk away from a great thing. But it’s brave the let a good thing go knowing we could never be completely happy.

It would be easy to stay, not be true to ourselves and end up resenting each other. I would have sacrificed more, tried my best to make it work, and maybe lost parts of myself along the way, because I loved you. So perhaps it is good we don’t want to do that to each other and in the end let the other be the best they can be, even if it means being apart. At least I am hoping that is how this goes, or it may be a complete waste, and I can’t justify putting all my love in something that is just a waste in the end. I’d like to think at one point we were so much more.

So of course I don’t think this pain will end after 7 days. However, I was lucky to always have someone there no matter what. Not a day has passed without someone being there, comforting me and telling me I’ll be ok. They said “be strong, you’ll be okay, its better off, don’t you change…” so of course I took those things and ran with it. Acted like I was the strong independent girl with her walls up, the girl I was before you. But I will never be her again; you changed me, you let my walls fall down… for the better I’m hoping. But right now I feel I needed a part of my old self, the part that did it alone for 10 years and didn’t need anyone. I need her to carry me through until I am okay again, until I don’t feel I need you.

So don’t be offended if I seem like this isn’t killing me, because it is. But with the constant struggle of always trying to staying afloat being present in my mind, I cannot let this sink me; it simply is not an option. I act strong to protect my fragile happiness, but loving you and losing you is something that is now a part of my story and as always I will try to honor every chapter that has gotten me thus far. If we can respect each other enough the let each other go to be happy, then I feel like I better damn well make sure I do a good job, in this town you don’t get a fresh start too often, it may just be what I need.

Disclaimer: I can’t promise I won’t be totally pissed off tomorrow though.