Above all else, to thine own self be true

Oh to have it all, everything that we so desire. Then to realize having it all means taking the risk of loosing it all. Of course I've always said, take chances, dive straight in, it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I think it's easier saying all that before you've had a loss. It's harder to risk it all knowing what might come out of it, or what might not. All this time we spend waiting for what we wanted, and when it is presented to us, or in our grasp is when we start to doubt, and second guess ourselves. Meanwhile somewhere inside of us is screaming "wake-up asshole, this is what you want". While the devil on our shoulder (or the angel, depending) is saying, "you always do this, you push push push, and push them away". (Or pull away its a give and take sometimes.) I've heard our biggest enemies can be ourselves, and how true sometimes. It always seems those who know us best have the ability to hurt us the most, and who know you better than yourself. Our biggest judges, doubters and haters.. our own selves.
But then again we can also be our biggest fans. Love yourself first, and others will come. Shakespeare said "Above all else, to thine own self be true".
Maybe that is what I will work on in 2011, life is going so good, time to love myself, allowing the rest of the love to flow in. I also plan on getting really sexy, so look out 2011.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Last drink served, real life coming up

Ok, Ok! I haven't blogged for a month. I've had a couple ideas, wrote them down and never elaborated. But these days I have some free time (a lot until January 3rd) and then maybe a little more, since I am only down to one job. Something for me that hasn't been done in years. And maybe something that should have been done a lot sooner. I no longer needed to bar tend, that's a fact, it certainly wasn't worth the time or the money, but I loved my boss. I think for me a small part of it was holding on to my old life. When I did what I want when I please. A time when it was always late nights, late mornings and not really having a direction in a life. My drifting period of figuring my life out. Letting go of this stage completely was a step towards growing up, realizing you are on the path you want to be. It's time to embrace that path, nourish and concentrate on it to make sure that you allow the goals you have achieved to grow. Allowing new goals to come into light making your journey challenging and exciting. It's a blessing to be doing what you love, but now I need to make sure I stay loving it, create something more out of what I have been offered, prove I am doing what I need to be doing.
A year ago I never would have thought I would be in the place, the opportunity literally fell into my lap, and although initially I was scared I also realized I had let my fear too many times stop me from previous dreams, that this time I was going to seize the moment. I am so glad I did. I am so glad I am where I am. Now it's time to take it a little farther. Achieve some more things I have been putting off for sometime. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, I don't want to jinx anything yet.
Until the,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Ask and you shall recieve

I've never asked for much, or expected much. I suppose it was a way to try and avoid disappointment. But maybe if I had asked for a little more, gone after what I wanted a little more persistently I would have more to show. Not that I don't, I am very blessed and in a very content place in my life right now. But with things going so smoothly and on track I crave what I am missing even more, more intensely. I desire a significant other, and not just anyone, I learned the hard way settling is in no body's best interest, certainly not my own.
I want someone to challenge me, have interesting conversations with, someone to read on the coach with, I guess just someone to love. Of course I want to romance and the "intense-can't live without each other" love, but I also want to "quiet-don't have to talk to know" sort of love. A balanced love.
I realize I idolize the idea of love, perhaps to the point where I've set my expectations beyond anyone's reach, but I still at this point refuse to lower the bar. Perhaps I have for a little fling or a night, but that is certainly out of my system at this point.I want and deserve something better, something real.
So maybe I need to ask and be persistent, I need to be forward with what I want and what I am looking for. Nothing ever came to you sitting around, dinner doesn't get made without turning the stove on (another lesson I have recently learned), and this missing piece won't fill itself in without doing the puzzle, putting in the work and effort. I may not pursue this philosophy right away, but I am seriously considering it. However, being the eternal optimist that I am, I will probably procrastinate, hoping true love will fall into my lap.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic

Brand New Love - Serena Ryder

Let's pretend that we have colds
And lie in bed and wear our robes around the house
And breath in basement books of old and dusty words
Of stories told about somewhere else
No one else can see the seams that sew the air into our dreams when we are young
Because we are

I can't take your breath away
But I'll show you a brand new way
With brand new love
I can't mend your wounded heart
But I'll give you a brand new start
With brand new love

Let's pretend we never lie
And tell our truths and then let's cry real tears this time
We'll stain our lips with the colour of wine
And then we kiss and everything is fine again
It's cold outside but we are warm inside eachother
We are born oh jesus christ
We are

I can't take your breath away
But I'll show you a brand new way
With brand new love
I can't mend your wounded heart
But I'll give you a brand new start
With brand new love

We Remember

A special post for all those brave men and woman

In Flanders Fields by John McCrae, May 1915

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Hopeless in Northern Ontario

Sometimes I almost feel like the days when I had been in love, or on the boarder of it. That giddy sensation you have when you know good things are coming. So maybe something is, or I am just crazy. Or I just have all this love inside me that is ready to bubble over and out of me like a volcano, or my verbal diarrhea. (Yup I just love and diarrhea in the same sentence, but I don't seem to care)
I haven't really met someone that could have warranted this feeling, maybe it's a sign from my heart that love may be entering my life in the near future. And it doesn't feel like friend or family love. It feels like love that comes from long cuddles and soft kisses. Love that is realized and can make the world seem more beautiful (even my ugly yellow bathroom). Maybe the love I've been waiting for.
Or maybe I've just been reading to many love letters, I've purchased about four books worth off of amazon, and I am probably just running a love high off others words that I wished had been written to me.
I suppose I can just wish that the next person I fall for will be worth it. That I will be strong enough to hold off, and I don't give all this unused love to the wrong one again.

More Hopeless than ever <3 xox

I've never wanted something rational

I want Love
I want passion
I want romance
I want someone to hold my hand
I want someone to cuddle me on the coach and hold me in bed
I want laughter
I want a challenge
I want someone to win over my heart completely
I want butterflies every day
I want a smile that dazzles
I want whispers of sweet nothings and promises
Someone to make me strong coffee in the morning and pour me wine at night
Someone smart
Someone to take me places, even if it is only in the mind
Someone who thinks my sneezing fits are cute
Someone who makes me feel like I am the only person in the world
Someone who loves Subway
I want songs on guitar
And words filled with desire
I want someone to want me more than I want them
I want not to be lonely

Is that really too much to ask? haha.. Until I find you,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Reeling it in

Where have I been you ask? Certainly not fishing. The online dating site lasted about two and a half weeks before I reeled it in. Just another way to meet exactly what I am not looking for. Although there were a few decent ones here and there, I decided to stick to my original plan and meet them the old fashioned way. Although that hasn't worked out to well yet, I will give it another shot. I am just not sure I feel right about meeting someone that way, like I am interfering with fate. And although I did say there were a few good ones, I think I am far to impatient. Like a thrift shop, there might be something perfect and fabulous in there, I just can't always find the energy to sift through everything. So I will go to my favorite store, pay a bit more (in this case wait a bit more) and come home with the perfect outfit.
Until then I'll wait, (in my shabby clothes)
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Gone Fishing

I am expanding my horizons. I signed up for online dating with the encouragement of some of my friends. Something I said I would never do, believing that when I meet someone I will meet them, leaving it up to fate. Well I am impatient and fate is taking it's sweet ass time. So here I am, we'll see how this goes.
The Hopeless Romantic
(Does that make me even more hopeless?)

Love the Simple Things

What a privilege it is so find such satisfaction in the small things in life. Coming home after a long day and reading under a quilt with a pot of tea. I do not care if I am acting like an 80 year old for it is such a pleasurable act for me. Some of my most relaxing evenings involve settling in with glass of red wine after a bubble bath with painting my nails watching re-runs of sex and the city or black and white films. Now black and white films, those are in a box all of their own, for an evening spent with them is now one of my favourite things to do. I think I have come to a point in my life, or at least in this part of my life, where things don’t always have to be go go go, to keep me satisfied. I am not always looking around the next corner or on to greener pastures to be happy. I think with such steady work that involves planning and organizing as well and enthusiasm and creativity has agreed well with me. Having a home to call my own and decorate, as I please feels so settling. I find it very pleasing to take something and make it my own, do things my way and it work to achieve things. Finding peace with moving into such a steady pattern of everyday life has allowed to stop and smell the roses so to say. To find the time to explore the little things, which in turn leave me feeling very rewarded with what I am creating for myself. Dear lord, am I perhaps growing up? I suppose it had to happen sooner or later, although maybe not as soon as expected, I think it may take a while.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Indian Summer

Autumn is like pure indulgence for my soul. I know my last post was about autumn, but now that it is in its full glory and vibrancy I feel completely content. My soul feels satisfied with the first morning breath of the fresh air. The nights that colors my checks and make my breath slightly visible in the cool air makes me so happy to be right where I am in that moment. I think, perhaps this fall seems so great because my life is at point where my feelings can almost match that of how fall makes me feel. What a great time of year to realize it. I feel like I am on the brink of complete happiness. I really could not ask for more, I love everything. (Well I could ask for my but that would just be greedy.)

When autumn comes in, its brilliance fills my eyes, and I really do feel like they have to be the window to my soul. What my senses experience really does make me feel more vibrant myself. That is the way life is making me feel right now. So perhaps this fall is a special one for me, which in turn will usher in many more great autumns and all other seasons. I really just have a good feeling that good things are on their way. Sometimes good things falls apart so better things can fall together. Maybe all the things we put up with, a false starts that leave us starting over again, are the warm-up round to prepare for the big things. I think the choices we make sometimes may end up as a detour on our journey but in the end, fate brings you to the destination you were always heading for. Life is funny sometimes, but it has its reasons. We are not meant to be thrown things we really can’t handle. So this fall I am choosing to let things fall into place, embrace my life as it happens and hope for the best.
Until Then,
The Hopeless Romantic

Falling for you

I have to admit I was quite sad to see summer go. Which was a bit surprising, I’ve never really been a summer girl. But Today on the hiking trail with the leaves already changing, I quickly forgot about missing summer and remembered why autumn is probably one of my top 3 favourite things in life. From the colors, to the smell in the morning, and from that crisp cold air, to watching leaves fall to the ground. I get so wrapped up in it’s pure natural beauty that I can’t even pinpoint what exactly it is that mesmerizes me so. I think it is everything, every, single, thing about it. Everyone talks about summer love, but I think if it is going to be a good solid love than it should start in autumn. I have no rhyme or reason for this, it is just the most romantic season in my mind.
I love it so much, it makes me want to fall in love. I want to fall in love under the leaves, fall head over heels with all my most loved colors surrounding me. I want to wake up with the morning, smell the crisp air and read a book. I want to walk hand and hand on the cool evenings and cuddle after under my Jimi Hendrix blanket. I want someone who appreciates the season as much as I do.
I wish I could live in a land where it was fall all year round. I think I would be perfectly content there. I do not know when this love of fall became apparent, but I am ever so grateful it did. I never feel more alive than I do in the autumn months. I think feeling so alive makes me want to share it with someone. But, to me fall is such a sacred season that it could not possibly be just anyone. So I think the reading and walking will be solo this year.
Until it isn’t,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

A Farwell to Summer

Oh the summertime and how it makes you feel different from the rest of the year, it's like you have a few months off from the real world. Here's is a tribute to that!

Sweet Summer Heat
*
There is nothing like the sweet summer air
That if I close my eyes for a moment I don’t have a care

I don’t care that this could really be nothing but what it is
I don’t care that perhaps it was more than just a stupid kiss

There is something about this summer heat
That has the power to make bad ideas seem sweet

I feel this heat wave come on so strong
And it clouds my judgement of right from wrong

But following the sweet summer heat are those crisp autumn nights
And you quickly remember what it is that is right

For what you feel on those sweltering nights is most likely wrong
For you really want the heat that lasts all winter long

Let those bad ideas fall away with the leaves
Say good-bye to mistakes due to that sweet summer heat
*

The Hopeless Romantic

Shores of Lake Superior

There is no place like home! I agree with Dorothy on this one. After being away for a while, I never realize how much I love it here until I am on my way home again. It’s like as soon as I hit Sault St. Marie, even though I still have another 6 hours to go I breath a *sigh* of relief and think, I’m home. The rolling hills, trees as far as you can see water that stretches even farther. I am deeply disappointed if I am driving through this stretch of highway in the dark because I feel deprived of the view. Down hills that feel like you may just fly into Lake Superior, and view that makes you think Mother Nature spent a little extra time here. The last time I traveled home, I was a little disappointed that it was not sunny skies. I love the sun shining off the blue waters. However, I quickly changed my mind as the wind picked up, showing the not only the beauty, but also the raw power of our great lake.
I am quite proud that my town sits on the very top of this giant water mass, but I do not enjoy that fact as much as I enjoy travelling along its shore. If I had my way (and my own car) I would spend a couple days going down this 6 hour stretch of road so I could stop when I felt the urge, walk as far along its shores as I pleased. Take in each rock, wave, stretch of forest, and go with the wild wind. I want to sleep under the stars on the beach, listening to the waves crash on our north shore. I always wanted to see the ocean, but I still don’t think it could surpass my wonder I get each time I turn into Northern Ontario, wishing I could slow down movement and enjoy the landscape a little more.
Whether I ever leave this area, where ever my life leads me I will always be a “Girl of the North Country” at heart, and the shores of Lake Superior will always be my home.
The Hopeless Romantic

Still Hopeless as ever.....

I've found myself saying lately that I have been single for so long that I know exactly what I want, that I would never stand for anyone telling what or what not to do. That I now have the liberty of choosing who I end up with, not the victim of folly. Maybe this is why I am still single. And do I really mean the words coming out of my mouth? I think not. I think it's just so people don't feel sorry for poor me, the endless bridesmaid, the single friend, the one who only allows embraces after a good (or cheap) bottle of red. Mostly I am happy, things are going pretty great these days, but once in a blue moon I want to say "forget what I want", because what I want is to be held. How do I really know what I want anyways? Deep down I just want to feel appreciated, wooed, held. I want someone to answer to, to care about my day,my friends, and my life. So maybe I'll give up my standards for awhile, what I want and what I am looking for. I'll embrace fate and let what will be just be. Que Sera, Sera! If fate wants to speed things up however, that would be great as well. Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

The rule is don't you ever even talk about forever but you never say never ♪♫

Those of you who read this (all three of you :p) may not know the cynical side of me, mostly because all I talk about is love and what I want. However, there is what I am afraid of well. Unrequited love, broken hearts, tears. I always say everything is a lesson and jump right in, but really I am terrified no one will catch me, and it will just be another failed attempt on my part. Although I suppose you could say every failure is just a step towards success. But I don't always have that optimistic outlook. Hence my cynicism. Those who know good and see me everyday and know about my weekend adventures and know the rules. No cuddling, no sleepover, and no promises. People think I say this because it's truly what I want, but I say it because it's my safety net, my way of not getting hurt. No soft caresses and smiles in the morning help fend off falling for you. It's dangerous territory and I'm afraid. I suppose rules are meant to be broken, I just hope my heart isn't.
The Hopeless Romantic xox

How do I love thee?

Whenever people talk about great and true love they always include that there were challenges, up and downs. When your love is real you work those things out, compromise, become stronger in the end. However, do we really know how to love well? It is such a strong emotion, are we sure we know how to control it? I think we are just learning to love. As humans, we started out with a mission to procreate and survive, the instinct just to live. Then came arranged marriages, and marriages to ensure money and family nobility. In those times only the poor were lucky enough to marry for love, which was tested by poverty and mouths to feed, and once again survival. However now we have a choice in our mates, a choice if we want to raise families, our even keep our spouses for a lifetime. Perhaps people did have it right before, making it work and staying for the long haul, perhaps not though. Did they really love each other to stay together until the end, or was it just oppression of their religions and families. I of course want to believe that you can find someone and love them until the end of time, but is that possible for everyone? Do we maybe give up to easily when we have a bump in the road that causes us to stop our journey? When will you know who is worth it? I’d like to think that gut feeling will just present itself and you know. Whether or not we truly know how to love I am sure as hell am going to try, every chance I get, learn from my mistakes and hopefully my journey will end at the right one, with a whole new journey to follow.

On the brink....

Sorry it's been a while, I have no internet, and no romance! The only thing hot lately is the weather. I've been trying, but just no spark. I think I am at a point where I am happy enough that what I've got for the time being is satisfying. Where is before I thought love was what I was missing. I mentioned I have no internet, I also don't own a TV. I have a consistant job. I've stopped wearing make-up and tons of jewelry all the time, I can cook, which is something I did not know about myself, and I've been enjoying reading books that are more historical than romantic. I am not quite sure what is going on, but I am on the brink of something, something I haven't figured out yet. But when I do, I will fill you in and hopefully there will be something exciting to write about soon. I have some time off in august, so if nothing great happens by then I'll make it up.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic

A way to be loved a little bit more

Have you ever read or heard something that just struck a note with you? It reads so true that you cannot help but relate. Someone else, fictional or real had felt the same thing you have felt while experiencing life. While I was watching “Before Sunrise” I felt that recognition of a thought so similar to my own.
It’s movie about two people who meet on a train in Europe and decided the spend the whole night together in Vienna before going on their separate ways. This also enforces my belief in love at first sight, for the chance of never bumping into each other again after only spending a few moments together was too much for them to bear so they took what time that had, and made the most of it. Memories that they could keep in case they do not meet again. At one point she turns to him and says:
“Loving someone and being loved means so much to me, I always make fun of it and stuff, but isn’t everything we do in life a way to be loved a little bit more.”
Whether we realize it or not, is this not so true? Even if it is to love yourself a little more. And I don’t think it necessarily means just to be loved in the romantic sense, but also platonic. We want our parents and family to love us, be proud of us. Just as we want to be proud of ourselves, at the end of the day to be happy with what you have done and who you are becoming.
Once you are on your way to that then hopefully, it is only a matter of time before someone feels the same way about you. After all everything we do shapes us into who we will become, the person that our significant others will fall for. Maybe it’s the small quirks you possess that they will love. Perhaps the small insignificant things you have done that will catch their eye, and capture their heart. So in the end whether we are trying to attract someone at the time or not, for the right person it is so worth it to be ourselves because it’s going to be those small, and even big things, we don’t really think about that could be what makes that someone love us a little more. And even if I do make fun of the whole idea sometimes, of enjoying being single to much to sacrifice my free time, in the end (and at the end of the day) I would love someone to spend the evening with, someone I know feels the same way.
Until Then, The Hopeless Romantic xox

My Constant Summer Love

*
I let the chance slip away
Like it was just another ordinary day
I could not find the words to say
To make my hopes go my way

Perhaps I thought our actions should know
The thoughts and feelings our minds stow
That our bodies and hands would just know
Join our hearts and go with the flow

But with just a few days what were we to do
With all these feelings between me and you
For although we know what we have is true
There was no time to talk and woo

Now you have gone once again
All that is left is love to send
Through the skies and let’s hope we can mend
Our hearts that we break at each summers end

In my memories you will always stay
Giving me loving thoughts I save for rainy days
Although this love may never go away
Our lives to others will surely stray

To each other we will always remain
As the ones that got away
But perhaps it was our fate
To show ourselves that true love can exist today
*

When you think happiness, I hope you think that little black dress, think of my head on your chest & my old faded blue jeans (L)

My version of Summer Love <3: "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift


You said the way my blue eyes shined,
Put those Georgia stars to shame that night
I said "That's a lie"

Just a boy in a Chevy truck,
That had a tendency of gettin' stuck,
On back roads at night
And I was right there beside him all summer long
And then the time we woke up to find that summer gone

But when you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think my favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
The moon like a spotlight on the lake
When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest,
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think of me

September saw a month of tears,
And thankin' God that you weren't here,
To see me like that
But in a box beneath my bed
Is a letter that you never read
From three summers back
It's hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet
And lookin' back on all of that, it's nice to believe

When you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think my favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
The moon like a spotlight on the lake
When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest,
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think of me

And I'm back for the first time since then
I'm standin' on your street,
And there's a letter left on your doorstep,
And the first thing that you'll read

When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think my favorite song
Someday you'll turn your radio on,
I hope it takes you back to that place
When you think happiness,
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think of me
Oh, think of me,

He said the way my blue eyes shined,
Put those Georgia stars to shame that night
I said "That's a lie"

Writing Kick

Here are some new poems!
*
Just a Touch

With just a touch I feel too much
With just a touch it is such a rush
An embrace of sparks and a touch of fire
Burns me up and revs up my desire

Butterflies flying so crazy and wild
With just a gentle touch so mild
I feel my pulse begin to pound
And I feel my world spinning round

So please refrain from such a touch
If you do not wish me to feel so much
But if as well you seek that rush
Then I welcome such a touch
*
Old Flame

An old flame that sparks so quick
Catching me by surprise
I feel my heart skip a beat
And old feelings begin to rise

I see your eyes that once were always in mine
And you hands that brushed my face just so
I recognize what we felt back then
And wonder how I let you go

Maybe it is the summer air
So sweet in the night breeze
Perhaps it is the stars that crowd the sky
That make me wish you would never leave

My heart feels so full with a gentle love
My senses feel so aware
Standing close enough to steal a touch
Makes me feel like I belong right there

Right there in a moment
A moment just with us two
Not thinking about being apart
For a moment it is just me and you
*
Worth the wait

I do not know what I am to do
For this heart of mine belongs to you

I would love you by the ocean and under falling snow
Loving with an intensity I am not even sure I know

I would tell you tales and sing you songs
Share my dreams and what I long

For what it is I truly long
Is a love between us so strong

A soft love so sweet and true
The one we know belongs to me and you

I’ll keep on waiting for what I know will come
A wait so worth it for the one
*

In the heat of the summer sunshine I miss you and nobody needs to know ♪♫

I'm on a writing kick, so stay turned the next few days. You know what writing inspiration comes from, LOVE! This was actually written when I was in college, I was stuck on this essay, which of course I was planning on writing about love, but my outline was crap and I was stuck. Sitting in the sweltering back room of the campgrounds I worked at, doing homework instead of making jewelry.
After giving up on my past summer love coming back once more, I got a phone call in reference to fishing licenses since we were the only place open on the long weekend. Then he breezed through the door and back into my life (like he has a habit of doing) and my essay was practically done in my head before he walked out the door. So here it is, I say it's completely fictional, but of course there is some truth (ok a lot). So cheers to summer love and cowboys <3

August 9th, 2006
A narrative piece (completely fictional) – Summer Love

I met him the summer I was seventeen. It could have been love at first sight it could have been lust. However, as the hot summer days dragged on, our love blossomed into something beautiful. I remember every moment of that summer, from the night we met, the days that followed, and our good-bye. Sitting here now in the hot summer sun, those memories come flooding back to me, like a heat wave of passionate summer nights.
My summer had been terrible so far. My boyfriend of two years, who I gave up a scholarship for, decided he never loved me. To make matter worse he had slept with my best friend. Between loosing the two of them, I had felt so alone. The night of one of my friend’s birthday party, where I knew they both would be I had decided to tough it out and make an appearance. That had to have been the best decision I made all summer. To get to the good part I will breeze through the minor details. The early part of the evening consisted of my ex being punched in the groin (by me), everyone cheering, and then my best friend and me made up. (After all, sisters before misters.) Then there was him, the one thing that made my fabulous summer, the summer of love. He was a blonde haired, brown eyed, bronzed beauty who played football, did motor cross and wrestled. It was so cliché, and I had to have it all. Of course, he thought I was the crazy girl in which he needed to protect his “manly parts” around, but once he knew the reasoning for it and got to know me all that changed. We spent the rest of the night by the fire talking, and the rest of the summer falling in love. He was a country boy and I was a small town girl, and neither of us knew that this was the start of something we would never forget.
From that night on I always found him waiting to pick me up from work, or he was already there when I got home. It was as if we were crazy drug addicts and could not get enough. He attempted to teach me how to fish; I showed him all the good swimming spots and brought him to all the parties. When I think back, I remember a lot of beer, country music, pot and cigarettes. And of course a lot of talking and kissing as well. It sounds ridiculously hickish and tacky, but it was summertime and I loved every minute of it, just like every inch of him. It was like that Strawberry Wine song, “I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child, one restless summer we found love growing wild.” In that one month, we learned so much about each other from our late night talks. It felt like we had known each other for years rather than a few short weeks. He was so tender and gentle with me, always holding me and stroking my hair. It was the most feminine I had ever felt up to that point in my life. But the days were getting cooler and shorter and like all summers do, we too would come to an end.
“My biggest fear was September, when he had to go.” That Strawberry Wine song really does say it all. I too was leaving in the fall, for University, and him back to the states. He always mentioned how I would move away and find a boyfriend, but I don’t think he realized that I would rather remain in our memories than somebody else’s arms, but I was not sure where we stood and if I should tell him that. I remember the day he was going to leave, I woke up and looked at the clock and knew that he had left; I felt a little empty inside. As I rose to get my day started, the phone rang. It was him and he was staying a few days longer, I was overjoyed. Those last nights were the best. I remember swimming in Lake Superior one night and clinging to him in the cold water with only the stars above us. I think I clung to him so tight because I was faced with the idea of letting him go in a couple of days. He held me just as tight that morning as the sun came up, and I knew, even at seventeen, what true love was. During those last night’s we were so much more passionate. He even uttered he loved me in the back of a truck under a meteor shower (once again cliché), and I remember the very last night he was standing behind me and he whispered that he would miss me so much and again that he loved me. The words I was so afraid to utter because of my last heartache, but this was different, he never hurt me, only loved me, and I would miss him dearly. I spent that last night in his embrace, I vaguely remember him leaving, I just remember missing him. “It’s funny how those memories those last.” (Strawberry Wine)
In the days that followed, I had hoped to hear from him, days turned into weeks and then I was gone for school. I did not understand, for all I could think of was the words he has whispered to me before he left. Later I found out he had sold his truck on his return home with all my contact information in the glove compartment, and was unsuccessful retrieving it. So now, I sit here in the summer heat remembering all of this. As the days passed when he was here last year, I began to give up. Then he came. Unexpectedly he just pulled me close and all of a sudden it brings me back to last summer and nothing has changed. He tells me the story about his truck and keeps apologizing for not calling me, but I don’t care, it is summer and he’s here. I figure it is time to make some more memories to last through the cold winter months.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

To start over you have ended somewhere. But can you ever really have a fresh start? After all you are who you are and old habits die hard. Can you let aspects of your old life in without ruining the success of the new? Which part of the past lives are okay to carry on with you? Then there are the things and people from waayy loong ago. Are good memories enough momentum to go on? When it comes to people, I either remember that they did something really good for me to remember them, or really bad. I sort of skip over all the other things, which when it comes down to it should be the swaying factors. Shouldn't they? Or should I let the big things rule all and take all? After all, they may not be they way I remember them now, I know I'm not. Maybe they are better now, or perhaps worse. Is the end really over when a new beginning starts, or can we not help but to hold on to some things, some people. I'm a very impatient person, but only time will tell.

Defense Mechanism

As romantic and I try to be, or imagine I am I can really be quite cynical. On the outside that is. I'm famous for saying that I don't believe in boyfriends, and that I don't do cuddles or sleepovers. Truth being spooning is much more intimate than forking, and can lead to real feelings. Real feelings leading to heart break which lead eventually to my all time rebound man, Mr. Jack Daniels. Now what that leads to isn't pretty. In all seriousness though I am more of an all talk kinda girl. Words are my weapons of choice and not actions. I say I am optimistic and ready to fall when the chance presents itself, however then I remember the crash that comes after the fall, and second guess my willingness to be spontaneous, my desire to leap. Not knowing for damn sure if someone is going to catch you and even hold on after is kind of scary. Am I that fearless? Is not getting caught so bad? Maybe how I remember things isn't really that terrible after all. Sometimes I even wonder if the good was that great. I guess if I keep holding back I'll never know, and although I would like to make sure I guess you can't really so you should just leap. (There I go all talk again) Either way, I think my heart has a feel more walls around it than I thought, and that perhaps I should wait for something really special to knock them down.
The Hopeless Romantic, xo

"I'm starting to think the only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hungover. You can't hurt those"TFLN

Do you ever notice how easy it is to go after the people that we maybe are not that interested in? Perhaps it is because you know they can't really hurt you. Going after the ones that you really do want however is a bit different, because then you got something on the line, something to loose. And as I said before, nothing worth it is easy, sometimes easy is just, well, easier. And I don't mean easy as a pun, however it's borderline what I'm trying to say.
I don't mind dishing on the ones that were just around, but never really in my mind, however I find my lips zipped when it comes to someone that actually IS on my mind. I am afraid to jinx it, I don't think I can really accept that fact that with everything else going so great, this kind of thing can't be going great as well. It's too good to be true, and although I know things have been not so great for a while, I am not sure if my Karma can handle this much awesomeness at one time, it's bound that something crappy is going to come to balance the scales.
But I am a Sagittarius which mean I am optimistic and outgoing so I really shouldn't let something just pass me by, we only live once and no one gets out alive so really in the long LONG run, you've got nothing to loose. And if I just don't answer when opportunity knocks who knows when it will again, and that would make me more hopeless than romantic.. I don't think I can stand for that.
So until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

The power you're supplying, it's Electrifying!

I'm sure in grade school we have all the the story of how Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity by flying a kit with a key. When asked about his success he said it was a process of making many mistakes before finding the answer. I like this theory, I mean he didn't give up after a few unsuccessful attempts, one or two failures. He kept on trucking, and I'd say it was worth it, otherwise I would be smoke-signaling this blog to you.
Obviously I am going to use this as a metaphor for love. I think it's true, to end up with something great, something actually worth it you have to make all those mistakes first. They were like pit stops, practice runs, so when the real thing came along you are ready. You know what I mean, when you are with someone and even though you try so hard to make it work, you are not really sure why. You know this one isn't the one, so knowing this is just a fork in the road you should just keep moving, unto what is suppose to be. Even if you are still suppose to make a few more mistakes.
So cheers to my mistakes, favorites or otherwise. Hopefully I'll only make a few more. Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

?

Everything is falling into place, life is great, the sun is shining and I've never felt so good. This is the time in my life when I assumed everything else would fall into place. I always imagined this period in my life and assumed I would find someone to make everything complete. Of course now I know I don't need someone to do that, I just wouldn't mind. Now even though I've always known what I wanted and rarely went for it, I'm not so sure that is what I want anymore, or even sure of what I want at all. I can't seem to make up my mind these days. Perhaps these are the days to just live, and let things happen. Enjoy the good things that are going on. And even though I am saying now I am not sure what I want, I think deep down there always a spot for exactly what I want, and I hope I don't settle before I find it.

You're the one that I want?

How long is it acceptable to hang on to the ones that got away. The few that were great and amazing. The people to whom we draw up our standards too. Even if you think you have forgotten or gotten over them they can suddenly just make an appearance or just remind you that hey, you loved me and don't you forget it. (Whether those are their intentions are not)What about the ones that almost measure up? Should we give them a chance and end up with them even though they may never make us feel the way those few special ones did? Should we wait until we find a new special someone, someone who gives you butterflies and makes you feel alive? Is it acceptable to let them come back into our lives, uninvited and unexpected, everyone likes surprises after all right? Or maybe someone else isn't suppose to make us feel that way. After all everyone is different, how can someone else make you feel that way? Whatever the answers all to these many questions things will happen as they will, best to just go with the flow I suppose.
Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Boom Boom ain't it great to be crazy?

So, do you all remember how I gave up being boy crazy for lent? It went really well, I felt bad for the guy I tried dating during that time, but still it went extremely well. However... here comes the backlash. Those forty days of ignoring who I really am, a boy-crazy hopeless romantic has had its consequences. It's like I can't get enough, everyone is cute. As someone who was convinced they couldn't flirt, I was wrong, I might even be a little forward. But I'm sure this too will pass and I'll just be my regular hopeless self soon and not in an overdrive boy-crazed state. Like I always though, no regrets and learn from everything, I haven't found the lesson in this quite yet, but I'm sure I will.
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Hello Karma, I've been expecting you

So you figure out what you want, where you are going. You are on your path in life. Sometimes I think wow, this is really happening, which seems strange considering the detours and wrong turns I have taken.
Do you ever look back on your life and think, did that really happen? Did I really know all those people so well at that point? At certain points in my life it doesn't really seem like that was actually me, not the person I am, or at least who I've become. Are there just different "me"'s from different era's of my life? Is this just another version or stage of who I will eventually be? When do you stop growing and changing, because if we don't then we will never be the same "Me". Sure you still have the same underlying characteristics and niches that make the essence of who you are, but always learning and experiencing will you ever really arrive at your true self? Perhaps just different versions of true selves.
What about turning points when you feel like you have reached your goals or are very close to it, if you keep changing and growing will you become more satisfied or will it lead you to another path or road? When you feel like you have enough or at least good ground work for the achievable perhaps it is time to go for other things. Now that you are satisfied maybe it's time to pick up in the exciting aspects of life, like looking for someone special.
Now however, when you feel you are ready I think the old rule applies, stand for something or you will fall for anything. I think it's almost more dangerous to let yourself fall when yo feel you have everything else going for you. Since you feel everything else is going well you'll assume this will too. You might give it all away to the first person who seems good when things are going good. Perhaps it is safer to fall when you are in a more cautious state, unsure about other aspects of your life might make you more yielding about who you give your heart to.
However, being hopeless as I am I say in the case of everything being in order and things are going great maybe just leave things in the hand of Karma, maybe it's your time to shine and let all the good things come to you. So what if he isn't the one, a few broken hearts will just make the right one more worth it. Plant Lavender for Luck, and fall in love every chance you get. Your former selves may not have gotten it right, and your future selves may not either, but at least at the arrival of who you are going to be you'll have some good stories under your belt.
Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Still missing you

I am not sure how people completely get over a loss or if it is even possible. Even on the best days when you are feeling great you are still feeling sad. Even in moments when your heart is light it only takes a moment before it is heavy again. Going and making the best of life of course is the best route, but no road easily traveled is worth it, although I am not sure what all this hardship is leading up to. But in the end I hope I am learning and becoming a better person, a person he would be proud of. I'm trying, learning, making mistakes and living. I am still heartbroken, but still breathing. I miss more you than I can imagine, putting it into words helps. So here is to you, I hate that inspiration had come to me in this form, but it is what it is.
*
Toothpick in your mouth
Guitar in your hand
Just some of the ways I remember
That very special man

Sun shining on the hiking trail
A boat out on the lake
Life can be stolen and hearts can be broken
But my memories you cannot take

I loved you like you were my sunshine
And my chocolate ice cream cone
I will keep you with me always
Our hearts are now your home

I had thought I had never felt true love
But it was here all along
This family love that flows so true
It has taught me to be strong

I love the life you gave to all of us
And living it is the greatest gift
Thinking of you I will always smile
My heart and soul you can lift

I will feel you when the breeze blows
And see your eyes in the waters blue
No need to cry these tears no more
Because forever with me I will keep you
*

Rip, love you always and forever
The Hopeless Romantic

Shake Your Tailfeather

In the animal world animals have certain ways of showing each other they are interested. Sniffing, puffing out the chest, showing their feathers. Are we really that different. When we get all dolled up for a night on the town are we not trying in some way to attract the opposite sex? An article I seen showed a man's face in both a feminine and masculine light asking which one you are attracted to more. If you were feeling more so towards one or the other it goes back to the cave days when women were attracted to males who seems fit, which would mean a good provider for offspring and survival. Another article said men are more attracted to the hourglass figure because subconsciously it the impression of a fertile female. Perhaps even as women we, not even knowing, are more attracted and more prone to primp ourselves during different times of our cycle because our cave woman instinct is urging us to give off mating calls in the form of high heels and cute tops. You perhaps can even feel more confident which is a factor that people can't help but be attracted too.
So whether we are in the animal kingdom or our world I think we all that instinct and primal urges because it's in us as basic survival, although it is not necessary or always relevant anymore. But when it comes down to it, you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals.

Oh what can it mean? To a Daydream Believer & a Homecoming Queen

As mentioned in a previous blog love is in the air, being spring in all. New things blooming and coming to life I think this has left me craving for new beginnings. For the first time in a long time despite most of March I feel like my good Karma is kicking in! Thank you, I've been expecting you! Life feels wonderful. So great, the only things that perhaps could make it better is love.
It's strange isn't it? Sometimes when the chance is yours the risk doesn't really seem worth while. But when you feel: alright, I could be with someone as this point, someone is nowhere to be found. Since love is in the air, and I have not found anyone to share some loving with I have daydreamed a little. With everything going so well I have been longing to write, dying to rhyme. So I imagined some poems up. Not about anyone special, just taken little things and exaggerated! Remember: *hyperbole: exaggeration for effect. So here are my exaggerated feelings on someone I have not met.

*
Silly Hair
I am not sure I like him
But I love the way he moves
I don’t really care for him
But I dig the things I see him do

I dig his eyes and his silly hair
But like I said I don’t really care
I dig this boy, perhaps it’s a small crush
But to admit such a thing would be too much of a rush

My mind wanders to the one I don’t like
Such a distraction I try to fight
Because of course I do not care
About the boy with the silly hair

When arms and embraces feel like bars
Going beyond not caring is going too far
Even simple thoughts of him can drive me wild
And the simple sight of him can make me smile

So perhaps I am not sure if I like him or not
Not sure that I do not care
Not even sure I really want to know
How I feel about the boy with the silly hair
*
The One Back Then

Oh the one that got away
Yet in my heart he seems to stay
How I miss the one I loved back then
My mind travels back time and time again

I may sometimes forget his face
But my heart remembers the beat
My skin can tell you about his touch
And blood can tell you about the heat

I hate that maybe he loves her now
I am sure I could be better somehow
Make him smile, make him sing
I send my song with the wind

I see the stars in the velvet sky
They twinkle bright like the gleam once in his eyes
Although I miss the one back then
I’ll just keep him in my heart and remember when
*
Until I meet someone or dream up something better,
The Hopeless Romantic

This one goes out to the one I love

*
Great Love
Lost for words, just trying not feel
To ensure this heart will fully heal

Only a great love could cause such a break
A loss so great that with it my breath it takes

A loss that cast a dark shadow on my world
Unsteady ground beneath, life feels so cruel

This heart may have cracked before, but never shattered so
Some shards I cannot find and I know it shows

But a great love from a great man surely carries on
I feel his great love and a love for life I long

I’ll carry his great love with me all of my days
Living and loving strong, not a lesson I will waste

As this heart heals, it fills with his great love
Ensuring his presence here on earth until we catch up again above
*

What is love?

A couple years ago I was in a communications course, which was basically just writing. We usually got to pick our own topics, and me being me chose to write about love. I just found the essay when I was cleaning and thought it might be an interesting post, my view of love haven't changed much in the last 4 years. That's the one thing that is constant with me I think. So here is it.

What is love?

According to the dictionary love is, “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude towards a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.” Hmm, that does not sound familiar. Like the Black Eyed Peas said, “Where is the love?” Today love seems like something short of impossible. Whatever happened to romance? Is love at first sight dead? Love today seems so lost, is that the love should really be? Many people have said many great things about love; perhaps their words can show us the true meaning of love.
As young girls, many of us cannot wait to gaze into the eyes of the man of our dreams and instantly fall in love. Is that not the way it is suppose to be? “Who has ever loved that loved not at first sight?” (Christopher Marlowe) Who has? Can you imagine meeting someone and telling your best friend that you are in love with that person? They would tell you that you are crazy, and that you do not even know that person. Do we have to travel back to the days of Shakespeare and Marlowe in order for love at first sight to be appropriate? Perhaps falling in love was so easy back then because they died so young and had nothing to lose. However, it would be nice to look at someone and it felt like,
“This was love at first sight, love everlasting: a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected – in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness, it took enter possession of him, and he understood, with joyous amazement that this was life.” (Thomas Mann)
Perhaps being a hopeless romantic in a time where is seems we have nothing but a cynical attitude towards love is pointless. It would be fabulous to shout out “You call it madness, but I call it love!” (Don Byas) But then again, a thousand people would look at you as if you were crazy. Is a person not allowed to be crazy in love in this society?
When it comes to love today, it feels like a war. Even if you find it, it seems you are eventually going to lose it. “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”(Lord Tennyson) That could be true, everyone says that you learn from lost love, that you have experienced it and it makes you a better person. Nevertheless, would you not be a better person if you had never dated the loser in the first place? Did Lord Tennyson have a lost love ever hook up with one of his loved ones? Charles Caleb Colton said “Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never.” Does your circle of friends include your past lovers? Or the bigger question, did you actually share love? Perhaps people just throw the term around too loosely, not meaning love, but lust. Still, people fall for it, and people get hurt. It seems our society has given up on love, obviously not everyone, there are those lucky few, but then again so many people get divorced. It also seems like people care more about sex than making love. Everyone today is out to get what they want and not what they need, after all love and belonging is a basic human need according to Maslow. However, in our society it seems like “true love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about, and few have seen.” (La Rouchfoucauld)
If our view of love is so wrong, what should it be like? Perhaps like this, “I am looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-love-without-each-other love.” (Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City) But where can someone find that kind of love? Perhaps we are not looking hard enough. Maybe when you stop looking love will find you. That is a nice thought. Aristotle had said, “Love is composed of a single soul inhibiting two bodies.” Perhaps on those nights when we feel lonely it is because we are longing for the other half of our soul, the other person who makes us complete. How do we know when we will find the piece that completes our puzzle? “We believe our first love is our last, and our last love is our first.” (Anonymous) Perhaps all people who are against love are people who have not found their last love. Maybe all the first and second loves and so on who ripped out your heart, or turned out to be nothing like what you imagined, were just practice for the real thing. In which case maybe the good old word of God is right,
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (Corinthians 13: 4-8)
Perhaps our last love will be all of the above.
Regardless of what love is, or what we think it should be in comes in many forms and faces. Maybe we will find it where we least expect it, or maybe it will find us. But what is most important is “don’t forget to love yourself.” (Soren Kierkegaard) If you do not love yourself how can you expect someone else to? If you believe in yourself, you can do anything, so we are told, so why not believe in love? Give it a chance and maybe it will give something back, something “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming.” (Carrie Bradshaw) After all, “love never fails.” (Corinthians 13: 8)

Furious Love

I am currently reading a book called Changing Heaven by Jane Urquehart (turns out she was born in Geradlton, I love that fact). It had different characters from different time periods, and discusses their relationship with the wind, the weather, classic novels and paintings. One of the characters happens to be Emily Bronte, she is a ghost who dwells in the Moors of her past, and a lighter-than-air balloonist who falls to her death and they simply stay in limbo discussing their past lives, dreams and ideas. In one scene, the Balloonist Arianna learns Emily lived her life single and asks that surely she has not lived her life without experiencing love to which Emily responds:
“The trouble with falling in love is that it is really born of a perverse desire to invent the plot of your own life story, to make it episodic. Life should be plot-less – none of this and-the-he, and then-he nonsense. Besides, being in love is really being in a state of rage; it is furious. It is an extended tantrum.”
Of course, I think love is something sweet and wonderful, but I see what she is talking about, when you want love so bad and put your feelings in the wrong places. You are trying to make your life important by having love. Perhaps this person is not the one you should plan your life plot around. Maybe plot is not the right word and she is right when she says life should be plot-less, in the sense that we should not plan our whole lives around one person, one idea of love. That it should just happen and let our lives unfold, as it will. Of course, maybe she had never experienced love in the sense where the person consumes you. Not because you allow them to but because thinking of them pleases you, and being with them is the way you want to spend your time. When you think of them, and be with them you are truly happy. But I think that when you have that person that your life should also feel complete when you are not with them, you can have a night or weekend away and still know that things are the same. Of course as a writer or artists, in general love is easier to portray as a tortured love. Well maybe not easier but more fascinating to their admirers, and having never experienced true love she prefers to talk of tortured love like that in Wuthering Heights. Of course, this is just an author’s opinion on what Emily Bronte might say and my opinion on that fictional passage. Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Writer's Block

I know! It's the devil. I apoligize for being a terrible Romantic, however I was successful with in giving up of being boy-crazy for lent! My minor bout of depression helped, lol. However it probably didn't help my romance blog, but I am working on it, I have a notepad and pen on me at all times, and I've branched out to differnt books and music, I can feel inspiration peeking out. Like spring, I suspect the sunshine will brighten my perspective and shine some light on what was a dark heart for a while. I've definitely learned the world keeps on turning and life goes on, the trick is to move with it, roll with the punches and go with the flow. Things were pretty crappy for the first half of march, but then they got really great, now I just need to take life's lemons and make the proverbial lemonade. Everyone always says love is in the air when spring comes around, so we'll see :) I'll be as optimistic as I can in the big city of Nipigon. As I said, inspiration is on the way, love is in the air and I am armed with my writing supplies, so until then.. The Hopeless Romantic xox

Keep Breathing

Sorry I haven't been writing, I know it's been a little bit, and it might still be a while in between posts for the time being. I've always found when writing something it's a very emotional process for me. I need to feel, to believe the words I am writing, I know the last post was kinda crap. It happens. I just feel like inviting all that emotion in is treading on dangerous territory right now. Deep down all emotions feel tied into each other one way or another. By remembering, loving, hurting, falling it's opening a door that I am trying my hardest to keep locked. And it's silly to try and not feel anything, I don't want to be an emotionless zombie, but I certainly don't want to welcome anymore of what I have been feeling lately. However I do realize there and no stopping it, and I am just trying to stay grounded so when these tidal waves of sorrow wash over me I am still left standing. I feel like I am walking along just fine enjoying the day and I look away for a second and hit a brick wall, I am left so stunned that nothing else really matters. For split seconds you forget about everything that has happened, but reality won't let you keep that ignorant moment and life punches you in the gut, taking your breath away.
Keep breathing, that's what I tell myself, something that can be taken for granted, you do it without thinking, but then you have to think about it to carry you to the next moment, the moment where it won't feel as awful as it did a moment before, it becomes such a trvial thing. And when you stop that's it. They say life is about the moments that take your breath away, I always thought that was such a happy saying, like the moments of falling in love, being with friends, all the great things in life. But the awful things in life really take you breath away as well, but I suppose living is also about the moments you catch your breath again. Keep breathing, keep living, keep remembering, but just for a moment I don't want to keep feeling.. just a moment.

Lessons Learned

Sorry it's been a while. It's hard to write about love when your heart is broken. And I really think it might be for real, I just have this burning hollow feeling that sporadically breaks into hammering on my chest. But a broken heart still beats and life goes on. When life throws you something so profound it really is like a wake up call, it's time to take a good look at your life and decided what really matters and what is important. I think I am actually started to learn all those lessons that have just gone in one ear and out the other before. So here are lessons of the heart from the hopeless romantic.

1. You don't always to jump in with two eyes closed
2. It's ok to test the waters before being engulfed
3. If he says he's getting a divorce, he's lying
4. If they cheat, leave. Nothing's going to be the same
5. Everything does get better with time
6. If he can make you smile, he's a keeper
7. Don't forget about your friends, if it doesn't work you'll need them
8. Lust can feel a lot like love, so be careful
9. Taking it slow is ok
10. Always be yourself, if they don't like that they aren't worth it (someone didn't like that I don't wear matching sock, that would have NEVER worked)
11. Really get to know someone, they might be things you didn't know that you love or real deal breakers, just because they are cute doesn't mean they deserve your all
12. If you are going to give it your all every time, expect a little heartbreak, but really don't give it all away right away, everyone loves a little mystery (this rule is VERY hard for me)
13. Just because someone is interested doesn't mean you have to be
14. Your mother is usually right
15. Everything and everyone happens for a reason, even if the jerk broke your heart, he is sending on your way to what you are really suppose to be doing, and even if all you got from them was another lesson it's better then being with the wrong one.

I am sure there are more and of course I am still learning, but I don't feel like I am as hopeless as I was a year ago, and hopefully a little smarter when it comes to my heart. Sure it still beats, but that poor thing has taken a beating, many time by my own hand, so I'm going to try and be smart and give this old ticker a break.
Until next time,
The Hopeless Romantic x0x

I'll be loving you, Love Me

No matter how many times I have fallen in and out of love, there is a love that doesn't go away. Certain men that I will always love, unconditionally, unreasonably and absolutely. Men like my father, my brother, cousins, uncles and grandfathers. I can never ever again say that I've had the worst day after yesterday. In the blur of everything I can definitely remember the feeling of my heart breaking, not being able to catch my breath, my face burning from all the tears that had fallen. The faces of the ones I love, not even trying to hold it together anymore.
But to keep those thoughts at bay I also have to remember the man who was at every hockey game, yelling at the ref whether I deserved those penalties or not, and yelling quite loudly since he was hard of hearing. I remember picking him out in the crowd through the bright lights at every single singing recital and competition beside my Nanny and her ever present video camera. Every single birthday party and special occasion of their seventeen grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. It certainly didn't matter if you were blood or step-grandchildren, you were a part of our family and that was what mattered. I'll remember being a little girl and him letting me comb his hair, I was always so fascinated by his amount of chest hair, and a little worried his chain would get caught in it. I always liked all the candy dishes they had and how he tickled you until it hurt or you pissed yourself. Christmas certainly won't be the same without him there with his guitar playing our family favorites such as Chocolate Ice Cream Cone and You are my Sunshine. Songs like Living on Love by Alan Jackson and Love Me by Collin Raye will always remind me of sitting around the campfire at Jesse Lake burning marshmallows. I actually thought he and my Dad wrote those songs for years and was outraged when I heard them on the radio, I thought Alan Jackson stole my dad's song. When those songs played I also pictured them happening to him and always will.
With such a big heart and so much love to give he has created and amazing legacy, and part of him is in each of us. Look what one person created, this big strong unit so now we don't have to face this alone. With all these people to lean on I feel like we could hold up the whole world, a most certainly this heavy heart.
I remember praying for more time and strength yesterday, begging through my tears, and I can see God had balanced my request by placing it all on strength. I am not as strong as I would like to be and I certainly wish I did have more time. Time for him to see me get married and meet my babies, time to become the person I want to be so he could be proud. But I know regrets are not going to help or make anything easier, and I know he was proud. Whether I was in the penalty box, on stage, singing along as he strummed, serving beer or trying to get my life together. He was our sunshine and I can feel his love shining down, and as I grow and achieve the things I desire I know he will be proud. This life hits your hard sometimes, but God wouldn't give you what you can't handle and he doesn't take anything but the best. So between now and thing until I see you again, I'll be loving you, Love Me.
Tatum xox

It was not your fault or mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time.. didn't I my dear?

I have come to the conclusion I am one of those people who decide what they want, and then go after it. I am also one of those people who change their minds all the time.
Example one, I was going to be a Drama teacher, and PSW, and an Art Historian. But I am still a bartender/waitress/ Beer Store employee. I have wanted to be a Daycare teacher for some time now but have not pursued aggressively because I wanted to make sure this was it. I am almost positive but a part of me is still afraid of getting halfway there and then coming back to square one.
Example two, I have wanted to not be lonely for quite some time now, so to avoid it I have kept myself busy working three jobs, playing hockey, babysitting, volunteering at hockey games, schools and more recently canvasing. I have to color-code my calender to manage my life, that really isn't all that important. However when I hear a song on the radio or fall asleep in my single bed I still end up with my old friend loneliness. However when an opportunity presents itself it seems I no longer want someone to fill that void, although there is barely anytime left to do so.
How can I be such a contradiction? Do I really want something to answer to, maybe now that my free time is so few I'd rather just do what I please, be it watch my black and white movies, murder mystery shows, walk or blog I want to be able to do that and not worry about how I am spending my free time. Maybe I am making something out of nothing again. I don't see how I can keep doing that though, I thought it was out of boredom, but surely I cannot be bored with this hectic-ness I have created for myself. Is it really fair to string things along to see how I may or may not eventually feel, giving others the impression something may or may not lead to something else? Do I need any more attachment to this town I am so desperate to leave? And more importantly, am I prepared to do to others what I have disliked people doing to me? All I know for sure is I am not ready to answer these questions and make decisions. I would much rather read my Nora Roberts, or watch the Turner Classic Movie Channel and wish my life was more like Old Hollywood.. I don't think my mom reads this but if she was she would kindly remind me (ok, not so kindly) as she does at least once a week "Tatum, it's time to grow up.. and do the dishes." However the dishes are done and it's almost midnight, so maybe I'll work on growing up tomorrow. Until then,
The Hopeless Romantic xox

Love Happens

Everyone says it will happen when you are not looking. But what if it happens when you are? Does that make a difference? If it happens when you are not looking does that make it more real? Because you weren't expecting it which means you have no expectations and it just a pleasant surprise, or even fate.
Then there are people who believe you make your own fate. So if you are looking, and therefor you have expectations, does that make them harder to meet? Because you are hoping to find someone do you think perhaps then you are just going along with what happens because you wanted that something. Is it less special? Are you willing to comprimise what you really want because someone comes along who wants to be with you?
Apparently everyone has a type, but time and time again what I thought was my type wasn't working out. If I could have it my way I would create a guitar playing, poem reading, funny and kind sex god. But this is real life. I was reading in Cosmo that we all have our version of ourselves. Who we think we are and and what we stand for. But people who are around us all the time see us for who we really are. See the things we don't, so they have a good perception of what we could use, job wise and even romantically and so forth. So when people try to set you up it is because they see what you have in that other person, and you should give it a try because it could be a pleasant surprise. It's proven that the person we are going to marry is probably already in your social circle, a friend of a friend and so forth. You may not have met them yet, or even like them but the possibility is there.
So whether you are looking or not, make the best of each situation that arises, you could be pleasantly surprised. And if you aren't well at least you tried.
The Hopeless Romantic x0x

Life Makeover

"The old dreams were good dreams, they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them" That is from one of my favorite books. I can't remember which one at the moment, I'm going to say Bridges of Madison County but don't hold me to it. Anyways, I don't think I can stand by that quote. It's like giving up. Maybe I have a little bit, this isn't where I pictured myself 5 years out of high school. However I also don't think High School should be held as such a defining this in one's life, it really is such a small part. I know that in me somewhere there is something left over from what was, I was so passionate about life, couldn't wait for it to start and for me to prove myself. I am also hoping there is something more now. Knowing what I've been doing I've realizing I can't do this forever.
I couldn't wait to be somebody, but as it started to happen it scared me. I don't know if I was more afraid of failing or of succeeding. But starting another chapter seemed to all of sudden scare the shit out of me, when for so long it was all I wanted. I was afriad of getting so close and losing it all, I don't know where this fear came from or why, but I was determined to make sure somehow I was in control of me making it or not. Doesn't really make sense right? All those passions and ambitions got put on hold and somehow the things that are second nature to me now are wiping tables, mixing drinks and customer service. I need a makeover, a life makeover.
I really just don't think at 17 I was ready for all those opportunities and life decisions, and now that I am 22 it's harder to get started again. But I feel if I don't do it soon I'll be 40 wiping tables still and mixing drinks, and I don't think I can have that. I think those really close to me can still see that passion I have, hopefully. Can read it in my words that I write that I am more then a bartender. But those who don't know that side of me, look at me casting judgment. It sure feels like that sometimes, like "oh, she was such a smart girl, look at her now." However I don't want to make something of myself for those people, I know I want to do it for me. I think loving your life and what you are doing in life will allow more love in your life in general. Not the romantic kind, just love period. If you are happy in what you are doing then you will be happy in other aspects, at least that is what I am hoping. Seems I'm hopeless in more ways than one. Well hopefully this ambition to move on from the stand still point in my life will stick, because I so badly need it to.
The Hopeless Romantic xox